past the velvet rope

The Guest List for the Weekend of 02-July-2010

2010-07-02T10:34:00.011-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

WOW! Those RNC lesbian bondage club partiers really know how to mess up a place. After they got booted from the club, they were hooting and hollering outside to beat the band. We rejected them, of course, so they rioted like futbol hooligans and tore the place up. then they told their buddies in law enforcement that were were a god-hating, socialist, GAY a sex club, so they shut us down for a bit. Since we are a small operation, it took some time to get the place back in working order. IT also took some work to educate said law enforcement as to how wrong the RNC was with their name calling. During reconstruction, there were some people STILL lining up to get in. Here is a highlight list of some of them which we'll share over the next few weeks. That being said, we are now open again. The club apologizes for the closure, and we appreciate your continued patronage.

Tito Ortiz - To paraphrase Johnny from Dirty Dancing, "NO ONE hits Jenna Jameson, the porn star". Dude, you are a punk. We like porn stars around here. We're sorry if they have daddy issues or drug habits, but it kinda comes with the territory (or leads to it). Still, they are the foundation of a nearly $10 billion a year industry. You are a big, bald, sissy monkey beating on (and impregnating which I'm also not happy about) a girl half your size who's the fantasy of millions of men. And what's with your pullout of The Ultimate Fighter 11? AH, poor little Tito has a neck injury and doesn't want to ruin his career. Do you remember the knee injury Nick Ring had? Do you remember how he was taking it easy for the same reason, and you hassled him to the point of you making him carry you in the Octagon on his back? Do you remember that? Well, I'm guessing it was different in your case, wasn't it? It always is. I was really looking forward to Chuck Liddell beating you in the Octagon, but they had to replace you with a better coach, a better fighter, and an all around better person with Rich Franklin. Maybe you should just tap out now.

World Cup Referees - ALL of you, out of line! I'm sorry it's a few bad eggs spoiling the bunch, but when the championship tournament comes once every four years, you need to be be at the pinnacle of your skill. It's unacceptable when four years of training, dedication, qualifiers, and more training get ruined by shitty calls... OUTLANDISH calls in some case! Granted, some bad calls were based on poor positions of the referees (England's no goal against Germany, and this joke on it). This is easily remedied by these newfangled things called video review cameras. They use them in American football and basketball. They use it in hockey and in tennis... even at Wimbledon, a staple of stubborn custom. How about the missed call against the impossibly off-sides Argentinian player who scored a game winning goal against Mexico? Possibly the worst call though, was against the USA when they were battling Slovenia. Edu scored a goal that put them on top of Slovenia that was called back due to an American foul. A GENERIC American foul, that the referee wouldn't elaborate upon. Take a look at this picture (America is in blue) and tell me who is getting fouled. You guys suck! The good ones should beat the asses of the bad ones. The bad ones should run. A red card to you all!

Justin Bieber - I understand that your mom was some sort of underage crackhead "babies having babies" on Maury Povich kinda girl, so I can understand a bit why you don't know what the word "German" is, but you can use "shawty" in just about every song. It is a testament to your generation. Seriously, WTF is wrong with you? I know your explanation post-interview was that you didn't understand his accent, which is entirely understandable in foreign countries, BUT... you looked at his card. You saw the writing on the card in his hand, pronounced the word correctly, and still said you didn't understand. Then you went so far as to say "We don't say that word in America." WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! You're Canadian! Make that clear. America does just fine making a fool of itself, what with Lady Gaga, GW Bush, Megan Fox, Sarah Palin, Lindsey Lohan, and ON and ON and ON... On that note, Justin... I'm pretty sure you'll understand. "Get the fuck out, eh!"

Thai Spice Restaurant Employees - I'm sure you guys are embarrassed by this incident, but you should REALLY be embarrassed, because this is something you'd expect to see in from the American Bible Belt or something. Australia is a far more liberal country/continent/place than the U.S. I really thought it was a word processing spell checker typo that replaced "America" with "Australia" during the editing process. Plus, how do you determine a gay dog from a straight dog? Are you afraid that the gay dogs are going to get together, march in a pride parade and try to adopt puppies to turn them gay? What harm can a gay dog do in a Thai restaurant? This kind of stupidity is starting to hurt my brain. No shirt, no brain, no service!

Erick and Jennifer Jhonson - OK, I think I need to separate the both of you before I kick both of you out. Jennifer, women have cheated on their men for years when they go off to the military. It's a standing cliché in most war movies. We get it, you were lonely and needed companionship while he was stuck with a platoon of his closest male buddies in the middle of nowhere defending your freedom to fuck around on him. OK, so admit it. Blaming it on a 3D porn? Seriously? I mean, maybe you married a man dumb enough to fall for this, for this very reason, which would be impressive forethought on your part, but, what?! Of all the things you could watch in 3D for your first time, you broke your Puritanical ways and decided to kill two birds with one stone: porn AND 3D. And aren't you lucky that you were watching a black porn actor? How embarrassing would it be having your black baby after watching a white porn star? Now THAT would be embarrassing!

Erick, dude... I'm guessing you met Jennifer in a grungy hooker bar judging by her intelligence level. I'm also guessing you were looking for a grungy hooker judging by YOUR choosing her for a wife. How are you falling for this excuse? Do you understand the basics of the birds and the bees? You can't digitize sperm, brother. What can happen is your wife watches a 3D porn with her girlfriends, they all get worked up and then go trolling for REAL men who accidentally impregnate them. You, my friend, are a douche for believing this, and i can't have you associating with my clientele. Thanks for your service, we're sorry you married a cheating dunce, but you have to do. Dismissed!

Playboy - Why, Playboy, why? Justin Bieber is retarded enough as is. He doesn't know the word "German", no one taught him to comb his hair away from his face, he thinks he can use "shawty" and still be cool. The kid is damaged, and now, you want to screw him up by having his mom pose topless?! Somehow, someway, someone is going to text him the pictures or he'll get a popup with her pictures while he's surfing for the latest on iCarly. He's going to end up seeing these pictures, and he might finally let his hair eat his face to get the image out of his head. Plus, think of the role model you are creating for those up and coming unmarried underage moms. Now, all they have to do is sit back, teach their kids to sing, YouTube them, and POW! be failures. Playboy, I'm all for what your magazine stands for, but this... THIS is just too much. Please, take the offer off the table... and take yourself out of line.

Julio Aparicio's Bull (GG) - Bull, I'm sorry for the life you ended up having to lead. Bullfighting is a truly one-sided and ghastly "sport" that is sadly kept going by useless custom. You were lucky enough to make this fight not-so-one-sided this time, and it was great to see it happen. It's too bad the matador didn't die, as you sadly had to, but do know, that he will never forget you. Congratulations on the good gore, and welcome in... we don't have any china, so it's ok.

Jennifer Knapp - Jennifer, welcome to the club. We are so happy to have you here. You took a big risk by coming out with your latest album, in that, you actually came out. You knew that you wanted to make music, and you wanted to give back to your fans, but you have to be true to yourself. The hard part is that you are a Christian musician. You know you would probably lose fans, but then again, you might game some more open-minded fans outside the genre. We are proud to have you here and good luck with your future. Come on in.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 02-April-2010

2010-04-01T18:09:00.006-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Jesse James - Jesse, seriously what the fuck is wrong with you? First, you married a porn star. That's awesome in its own right, but it comes with some issues, particularly if you aren't in the biz as well. Apparently, she beat the ever-living shit out of you a few times. It's tough to tell if she was just always crazy and waited until you were married to let loose, or if she caught you cheating as well (if you were a porn star, it might've been different). Then, you go and marry America's sweetheart, Sandra Bullock. We "try" not to stereotype here, but it does happen on occasion. How the fuck did you pull that? You are a greasy hair motor monkey who shares a famous name and was lucky enough to convince someone to fund your stupid-ass creations on "Monster Garage". Sandra, on the other hand, is a sweet, hot (did you see the washcloth scene in "The Proposal"?), Oscar-winning actress. I mean, you got to see the washcloth scene in real life every night. What's the deal? Was it the challenge of bagging the Prom Queen? It seems you would fit better with Michelle or Brigette, so why Sandra? Man, you just suck. More than likely, you've scarred her so that she'll never trust a man ever again, even a nice guy like me. Thanks for the help, dickwad. Please step out of line and go somewhere else to do your gutter-trawling.

Brigitte Daguerre - Brigette, what are you doing here? Did you come with your "mistake", because we just booted him a minute ago. The thing we find funny is you were quoted as saying "All this attention is what I really don't like." First, no one uses the passive voice, brush up on your English. Second, from what we can tell, it seems like you stepped forward to tell your story; thus, you brought this on yourself and you MUST like the attention. Also, how did you not know he was married? I thought pretty much everyone in America knew about it for the sheer oddity of such different people hooking up. There's also Wikipedia, Google, etc. Really, that is no excuse. You just wanted to bang a pseudo-celebrity. By the way, despite you not wanting to be called a "mistress" because neither of you were in love, the definition is "A woman who has an ongoing extramarital sexual relationship with a man"... Nope, love is not a pre-requisite for mistresshood. So, get on your way. You just standing here is dumbing down the clientele.

Ricky Martin - Seriously, it took you this long to come out? You had to write your memoirs to get the nerve to confirm what everyone suspected/knew since your first single? You were in Menudo for Christ's sake. It seems we were more tolerant of you being gay than you were at the time. So, Ricky, we're gonna ask you to go home; not because you are gay, but because we knew before you did. Love yourself, man... love yourself.

RNC Hypocrites - This is just great. I was hoping to kick Michael Steele out again, but it seems there is proof that he wasn't there, just some of his colleagues. It's things like this that make me wonder how staunch Republicans can be so staunch. The same Republicans that are pro-family, pro-wholesome, and anti-gay are following a party that includes (at least) one closeted self-hating gay man and RNC people spending government money to watch women dyke it out. Don't get me wrong, a softcore S&M club sounds cool to me, but use your own money like everyone else. Oh, and Mike, get "The Jeffersons" theme out of your head, and stay at a Holiday Inn once in a while.

The Vatican - OK, Pope Palpatine, we get it. You used to be a Nazi, you might be Emperor of the Galaxy, and you aid/abet/cover up gay pedophile priests. THEN you have the shriveled up balls to chastise NYT for calling you out. That's their job. The Catholic church has been morally bankrupt and strangely powerful for far too long. Sure, there are some good grapes in the bunch, but do they make the headlines? Nope, but that's how news works. Get over it. Castrate and defrock anyone found to have diddled little kids. They don't need their junk anyways. Stand up and do something about this, or let all your secrets be spilled onto the front pages of the newspapers (well, at least while they are around). Vaticanites... you can kindly fuck right the hell off!

President Barack Obama - Barack, man, it's good to see you man up. The Dems have been a bit lackluster what with having one for as President and majorities in both the House and the Senate. Bipartisanship is a noble and worthwhile goal, but when it butts up against blind obstructionism... you need to say "We tried... Fuck it, we'll fix it without ya." That's kinda what you said in this speech, and it was awesome. You let it be known that you were frustrated with their "Do as I say, not as we did" attitude, and that despite what they might think, the bill passed, and we need to get behind it. They've certainly done the same on far more sinister issues in the past. A little humor helps. Sarcasm is a scathing mirror. It's awesome to finally see you flip them the proverbial bird, because it was necessary. You let them know that YOU are the President, and you are doing what you see fit for the country (and what most polls say the country wants as well). We'd like to welcome you to the club again and thanks for all you've done. Here's to a second term and doing what's right.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 19-March-2010

2010-03-19T07:53:00.008-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

John Sheehan - Why am I not surprised that someone of your age in the military that you were in is afraid of gays? It's a sign of the general bigotry and prejudice we'd expect from asshats like you. It's also nice because when you say stupid shite like the Dutch army was weakened by allowing openly gay soldiers, you make it easier for those of use with sense to get our point across: that discrimination based on sexuality is so last decade. I mean, Israel allows openly gay people in their military. ISRAEL! Home of some crazy ball-bustin' fuckers from the Bible AND creators of Krav Maga, one of the most bad ass martial arts out there. Yeah, THEIR gay soldiers could probably make you bite your own ass. So please, please, PLEASE march your way back to the Senate Armed Forces Committee to keep defending your cause, because when you do, you only strengthen our point. DisMISSED!

Lee Deitrick - OK, now i'm going to say this slowly, mostly to keep from getting my ire up. Why... the FUCK... would you tattoo... a BABY?! My mind is a just big ball of "WTF?!", right now. How much and what kind of drug were you on? Did you ingest afterbirth or maybe smoke a turtle? Seriously, because you had to be on some MAJORLY fucked up shit, to do that fucked up shit. It's a baby! It had to have been crying and squirming and, and... it's a fucking baby! I just can fathom how you have managed to survive as long as you have with out someone justifiably killing you. On that note, you should go back home before our security cameras accidentally glitch, and you end up horribly (and justifiably) disfigured.

Kwedit.com - Have you no shame, creator of Kwedit.com? It's bad enough that parents are unemployed, losing houses to bad mortgages, and don't have affordable health care, but no, you have to make it worse by extending credit to KIDS! Kids who "promise" to pay it back, and if they can't, they can send you someone else's name to pay it off for them. what in the holy hell is wrong with you? This is not a market that EVER needed to be ventured into. Kids don't need credit, they need an ass-whopping the second they walk into the room asking if they can by an online gigapet and pay it off in installments. They'll be as good at that as they are at feeding the fish everyday like they promised they would. You need to get the fuck out of my line, and stay away from the kids on the way home, freak!

Liberty University Students - You do realize that just by standing in line for the club you are more than likely going to go to hell, by your rules. I'm sure you are covering something in the general vicinity, and if you are in true religious form of late, it's probably of the same gender. You also realize, I hope, that any degree you get from Liberty University (a misnomer in every sense of the word) will be worth fuck all when you graduate and have to pay off your insane student loans and support yourself in the real world. I have a question though... You are studying creationism, right? That's ONE FUCKING BOOK! How can you make an entire degree out of just one book? I'm sure you can argue that there are the interpretation of that one book, but then you aren't learning about the Bible, you are learning about what someone tells you the Bible is, what they WANT you to think it is. So, Liberty University is a brain-washing school, then? You are feeling sleepy, when you hear my fingers snap, you will come to your senses, get out of line, go home, and do something useful with your life. *SNAP*

Christina Hendricks - Christina, I do have to apologize. We are inviting you in base completely on your looks. We haven't seen "Mad Men", but we have seen your numerous spreads and red carpet appearances, and I have to admit, I'm in love. It is a purely basal, primal love, yes, but we are looking to build on that into something... more real. It might even include checking out your acting. I just think you are gorgeous. You have an amazing non-Hollywood standard body, and you are making waves with it. Well, before I make an even bigger ass out of myself, please come in, and let us stare at ~~them~~ you a bit. And for the rest of the guests who might be fans of Christina, you REALLY should check out the link.

Lady Gaga - I know, I know, Lady Gaga, I can't quite believe we are doing it either, BUT your last two videos haven't been too bad. Dare I say that, on a rare occasion, you even look attractive. It is possible that you are the first rejectee-cum-acceptee. If so, I am sad that you were the first to attain that honor, but it is fitting, I guess. Your video for "Bad Romance" was pretty hot, and it IS damn catchy. "Telephone" being NSFW caught the eye, and I have to say, I liked it, except for the Beyonce over-blacking herself, but you can't have everything. Please, come in, don't be too weird, and when we are done staring at Christina, we'll have a go at you. Guests, I do recommend the NSFW video behind the link.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 05-March-2010

2010-03-04T15:01:00.006-05:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

An abbreviated list this week, to get back in the swing of things. Enjoy!

Yevgeny Plushenko - Yevgeny... do you realize what a douche you are? In the "let's get to know Yevgeny" segment NBC had on, we got to know a little bit more about you while you were driving around what i believe was Moscow. Sure there are some people out there who like figure skating, but straight-man-to-ambiguous-man, you're excuse to come back to figure skating was retarded. you need the excitement, the adrenaline? and again, i know it's a competition, but, and i'm allowed to be an ass since it's my club, it's not like cage-fighting or soccer. it isn't head-to-head, battle of the fiercest kinda adrenaline stuff. it is, in your case, a guy who wears silk and sequins who apparently doesn't know the rules to his competition (i can do a quad so i win, wah wah WAH!) sliding around on ice flailing his arms and legs and spinning without falling down. so, instead of giving you any more undeserved podium time (platinum, may ass, comrade), i'll bid you a congratulations on your silver, here's a silk ribbon, now go play with your nesting dolls.

Sen. Roy Ashburn - OK, now saying this isn't nice, it's meant as hyperbole, but Sen. Ashburn... is EVERY Republican in office gay? i mean, you guys fight tooth and nail time and time again against gay rights and for family values, and every month or two, we find one of you slurping at glory holes or jerking strangers off on barstools. why hate yourself? just be, be happy, or be in the dark of night and don't get caught. whatever, but we're not too big on two-faced cockhead politicians trying to hold their own kind down. love yourself... just not here, in line. wait till you get home.

Noah Cyrus - How in the hell did you get out of the house this late? And what are you doing in line to my club? You're hardly a tween and there are videos of you posted online smacking your ass to akon. Now, you've put out your own lip-sync (getting practice from your sister?) video to a song far beyond your age group? What is the deal? Why? Why can't your just have age-appropriate fun? And who the fuck is that pervert/budding pedophile in the background? Seriously, you are too young to be being that fucked up. You're like the female version of the youngest member of Hanson. Go home little girl, go just, I don't know, do what normal girls do. Christ!

Rihanna - Rihanna, we'd like to welcome you to the club for wearing that dress. Yup, that's it. That's all we got. You're music is so-so, you feature and get featured with some cool people, but, yeah, you're just pretty 'round here.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 20-November-2009

2009-11-20T01:00:00.002-05:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

FOX News - Seriously, I think this club could make money just by people lining up, not to even get in, but to watch us bounce anything FOX News related. If it's not Hannity, it's Beck; if it's not a completely fallacious argument against someone who knows what they are talking about, it's falsified news footage. You guys really make it too easy. In this case, it was falsified footage again. Apparently, it's not a Hannity thing, it's a network thing. The anchor had footage that was "just coming in" of the mobs at a Palin book signing... that were actually from last year's Presidential campaign. I mean, even if you haven't caught up to the 2000's where you can give names to files on a "computer", and they can be longer than 8 letters with a 3 letter extension, buy masking tape and a marker. Write on the reel canisters; do something to TRY get your credibility back. Ridiculous! Well, I'd better kick you out now, there's a line former to watch already!

Sarah Palin - Back so soon? We know you have a new book out and your faux-signings and people sleeping overnight in line to get your book. Don't you have better things to do than try to get in the club two consecutive weeks? Or we some kind of reality check for you? The latest is your interviews with O'Reilly and Hannity. In the Hannity interview, you finally told us what newspapers you read over A YEAR after actually getting asked the question. I'm guessing you were using this time to catch up on your back session of "Hooked on Phonics". You said you were "offended" by the question, and that you felt she was insinuating that you couldn't get real news up there. Only a stupid person (who's only practiced the party lines given to her) would be offended by that question. It's not a matter of intelligence (though you cunningly made it one and proved you have none), it's a matter of worldliness. That being said, your answer on Hannity proved exactly why you would've failed anyways. You read Newsmax (a conservative webpage) and The Frontiersman (a local newspaper). You did throw in WSJ though I doubt you do actually read that. It would've been good to hear Reuters, BBC, New York Times, Washington Post, the Associated Press, for Chrissakes!. Any of those would've been fantastic. A bit of both sides would've shown balance. Some HuffPost, CNN.com, FOX NEWS (if you must). I'm seriously surprised you didn't mention The Onion. You Ma'am are a blathering idiot who takes a year to answer a reading question. You are a casting couch politician at best, and we'd like to escort you out of line once again. Goodnight, Madame Dunce

Amy Winehouse - Amy, I must warn you that this club believes in euthanasia, and in this case, it's to put US out of YOUR misery. WTF is wrong with you? You used to be vaguely attractive; feminine, at the very least, but you needed just a little more whatever than you were getting. Hospitalization after hospitalization after rehab after hospitalization... Your body isn't going to last very long. And what's up with the new titties? They aren't going to be enough to drag everyone's eyes away from your emaciated frame, mess of tattoos, ratty beehive, and put-on-in-the-dark eye makeup. You are a walking mess with a heap of vocal talent. Love yourself, Amy... love YOURSELF! Until you do, get outta line before the cops end up frisking you. You wouldn't last one withdrawal in prison.

Jason Anderson - Hey FuckJob of The HIGHEST Caliber, why are you not in jail? Why are you on paid leave after murdering two kids by recklessly "racing" another cop friend of yours? There is absolutely no excuse for what you did. You wear a badge, you get a gun, you get to break all the rules whenever you want (apparently) and now you've killed two kids. Two kids who were following the rules, not expecting some jackass cop to be throwing his ballsack on the accelerator to show off. You should be in a cell, you should have zero income, and you should have to apologize to those kids parents (which, believe me, is certainly not enough). You should have your badge taken immediately, you should be fired and stuck in the unemployment lines in this shite economy because you were fucking around on the job. Do you recall "...to protect and to serve"? You jackass! You are the criminal now, and the club wishes all the worst for you. Seriously, get outta here before I crowbar ya. After all, you aren't really a cop anymore.

The Onion - Now THIS is what makes you guys at The Onion awesome. This is such smack-in-the-face satire, but it's so well written, I seriously wouldn't be surprised if there aren't Tea Baggers or 9/12ers out there trying to track this guy down right now. He would be their next "Joe the Plumber". It just screams beauty at how they think laws are made by conservative pundits and what they SAY the Constitution says, rather than what it ACTUALLY says. You guys are great, this is a great article, and for person we can find who thinks this is true and stands by the guys, a free round on me. Come on in.

The American Medical Association - It took you guys long enough, but finally, you've come to your senses. This is what science is about. Making hypotheses, collecting data, confirming repeatability, and then using that data to refine the hypothesis, theory, or personal bias. You were doing all that except the last step. The data has showed this for a long time, but no one wanted to say "OK, weed is good for pain and appetite management" etc. You didn't want the people using a drug that was readily available and there was no way to regulate to tax it. I'm wondering what politician or lobbyist got to you to finally agree to this (I'm guessing they are from California), but this club won't look a gift horse in the mouth. If you need anymore data, go to just about any college campus on game weekend, and you'll have more data than you know what to do with. Let's get this stuff legalized, decriminalized, and, hey, the government can even make some money of it. Either way, thanks for coming forward and stating what we already knew. Come on in, have a beer, and there are munchies on the bar.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 13-November-2009

2009-11-13T03:04:00.009-05:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Rep. Tom Price - Dude, you are just a dick! And whoever that old dude chairing this (yeah, I'm not too much into names) is, should be done with too. There is no way he should have allowed you to continue disrupting proceedings in the manner you did. OK, you object, once maybe twice, fine; but objecting before they've even said anything to object against? WTF ballbag?! I bet when you were a kid you stuck your fingers in your ears and whined "LA LA LA LA" whenever you were told to do something. Grow up geezer. This is SUPPOSED to be adult politics. I seriously think you need a "Trading Places" wake up call (Eddie Murphy/Dan Akroyd "Trading Places", not that home show). Rep. Price, "I REJECT!"

Sarah Palin - Lady, you're like the cougar version of Paris Hilton circa '07-'08. You pretty much make sure someone's around, turn off your brain, and see what falls out of your mouth (though sometimes Paris let things fall into it as well). Barring the media, recorders, and CELL PHONES from a speech you are giving says a lot about the validity of the shite that you are going to make up. You were smart enough to not SAY death panels, but you weren't smart enough to not bring up the fallacious idea in the first place. And a coin conspiracy? Moving "In God We Trust" to the side of coin is pretty cool. I'm sure you're a bit xenophobic (that's the fear of things that are different or foreign), but the British pound coin has had side inscriptions for a long time, which actually made it a collectors piece for me. Plus how many people really use dollar coins? All of this, despite the fact that the club thinks that having such a motto is discriminatory and patently wrong. This motto was created after the Civil War when the country was in the shite. We've (well some of us) have grown and matured and *GASP* evolved to a point where religion isn't needed as much to make us feel happy. The national motto should be INclusive, not EXclusive, and there are far more non-believers out there than you might be comfortable with knowing. But I digress, what I mean to say is you're kinda dumb, kinda hot, and kinda kicked out of the club. Buh bye!

Chris Brown - Hey woman beater, what are you doing in MY line? I cannot believe you have the balls to wish that Rhianna had kept quiet about the beating? You BEAT HER in public! Your puny, insecure, hardly-talented shitehead of a self, had to feel good by beating up a girl IN PUBLIC. Nothing about this should be private. You should be called out for this shitsack that you are. Domestic abuse is unacceptable. Simple as that. You did, you should have to wear that badge that you are man enough to hit a woman. I'm sure the thugs think really highly of you. You SO deserve this and more. All I have to say is you should keep your head down and bolt before someone recognizes you. If they do, we might have to turn our backs so you can keep it a "private matter".

Goldman Sachs - You guys are booted just for stoking the fire. Who the fuck didn't know that health care reform would hurt private insurers? Of course it would, and it SHOULD. Anyone knows that if you don't provide a service but charge people you are going to make mad cash. Then if you get caught and actually have to provide said service, then you are going to make less mad cash, because, oh damn, you're actually going to have to do your job. The insurance companies should be non- or not-for-profit organizations. Competition will help in streamlining a bloated system full of fat cats hiding in middle management positions saying "NO!" to policy holders who deserve to hear "YES!" On a side note, when this here bouncer was in college, he had a friend taking a course, "How to lie by using charts". That is, the data was honest and truthful, but how it was presented told the lie that was never said. For example, look at this graph Goldman had in their report (click for larger). On first glance, what do you see? I see that after 2013, health care insurers are going to start losing money, going in debt, so they won't be able to provide services, and we'll all turn into zombies, and that is bad. All this graph really shows is that after 2013, they are going to insure twice as many people, and only make half the PROFIT! It's a misleading graph for that very reason. So Goldman Sachs, for being general buttwads and trying to confuse the matter further without making any beneficial strides, get outta my line before someone gives you a reason to use your health insurance.

Sean Hannity - Man, you are one funny dude. What you are doing is called "damage control", and we can all see it. You got caught trying to forge the news as usual. Just own up. Trying to pass it off as an innocent mistake that anyone could make MIGHT pass on some other networks, but with all the unfairness and imbalance your network has, it is just that you got caught doing what you always do. You bend the truth to fit your beliefs, which is completely ass backwards by the way. It's also funny that you tried to condescend to The Daily Show viewers by thanking them for watching. Now, there are at least two reasons they watch. 1) Crazy people are fun to watch. The delusions, the persecution, the complete lack of logic and rationality... it's just so foreign. They are are watch-dogging you, doing their very best to call you out on all the aforementioned character flaws and in doing so, hopefully making a few viewers at a time come to THEIR senses. 2) They are actually being fair and balanced. they are looking at all options, all views, all opinions, then throwing them in the brain to calculate and deduce what they find to be most reasonable. You are always going to be right if you only look at half the story. Looking at the whole dilly-yo, and then coming to new conclusions, changing ideas, thoughts, and possible false preconceptions... now that's the sign of an intelligent person who's not afraid of change in the face of truth. I know you don't understand, so just go home, look up the big words, and maybe put some rubber sheets on the bed.

Carrie Prejean - Holy fuck Carrie, are you a Stepford child? This is a generalization, but girls who drop out of a party school to go to a Christian school so they can study on Friday night and not be pressured to drink typically don't make sex tapes, pose for naked pictures, and get breast implants. There are two totally different people, so maybe you have multiple personality disorder, or maybe you are just a tramp who knew you weren't the trampiest at your party school, so you tried taking the back door (hah) by going with the hot-as-hell-but-pure route to get into pageants to feel some self-worth. And what's with you thinking that the Bible doesn't forbid breast implants. I'm sure you're talking New Testament because the OT pretty much rules out ANYTHING cool. Have you even read the Bible, I mean, really. I'm personally in the middle of it, and it's nuts! Did you know that in Leviticus it says we aren't supposed to cut our hair? How fucked up is that? Yet, you're using this crazy book as a justification for breast implants. You are a piece of work, seriously. I'd like to let you in, you are hot, but you might have a psychotic break and take out all my other customers, and that would be bad. Strut your way home, and be careful of the demons out there.

Mahmoud Vahidnia - Earlier, the club kicked Chris Brown out for having the balls to ask that him being an abuser be kept quiet. THAT was an insult. You, on the other hand, have balls for publically calling out Ayatollah Ali Khamenei for being a total douche. That is awesome! You could be thrown in prison for that! Just for questioning his actions. Nerds rule! I'm sure you have some sort of getaway rocket just in case, but still. Some say that there haven't been any repercussions to show that Iran is a just country welcoming criticism. The funny thing is, just saying that, proves that they aren't. Good on you, man. Come on into the club and relax. We have chai and shisha in the back.

The Piano Stairs Guys - This is some creative stuff right here. You take a bit of wiring, some black and white material, pressure sensors and speakers, and what do you get? Improvisational exercise. This is more of what the world needs. Sadly, we have to be forced to get up off our couches or to even take a flight of stairs rather than an escalator. But if that's what it takes, and it gets someone even a bit healthier, all the more power to you. Come on in, and uh, if you get bored, can we get a set of those installed to the second floor?

The club must apologize. Our opening schedule is going to be erratic through Thanksgiving. The head bouncer is traveling and instead of being an exclusive prick, he's trying to experience life a bit. This isn't to say there won't be updates, but he can't guarantee them or that they'll be on time. The club again apologizes for this, and we hope to keep you as a faithful patron during this restructuring. Thanks.

-Management

POSTPONED

2009-11-06T04:39:00.002-05:00

I know you were all looking forward to the latest Guest List, but due to our head bouncer immense popularity around town, he is going to be delayed one day. The list will be up tomorrow. The club apologizes for the delay, but we know to leave you wanting more. See you tomorrow.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 6-November-2009

2009-11-06T04:00:00.006-05:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

James Conway - Rear Admiral Homophobe, what is your deal? What are you afraid of? You aren't that attractive. Maybe it's the uniform thing, but still, gays aren't out to get you. If they want to fight in the military, where's the harm. You know they are there now. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" isn't come magic barrier that keeps them from serving, if anything, it's just an added stressor on your already over-stressed soldier. Good job, fuckbag. Make their jobs harder while you sit on a bridge or in an office somewhere. From a different direction, you being a homophobe, would you WANT to know where they are? Could be the guy sitting right next to you, coveting your wrinkly prune ass. OH NO! You'll never know now, just because they might be married is nothing, look at Tom Cruise. Get over yourself and your old-man prejudices, and let willing Americans serve our country no matter their sexual orientation. There's no harm to you, and it can only help our country become stronger. Step out of line, sir, about face, and fuck off!

Joe Lieberman - Hey Cock Jockey, how in the world would no health care reform be better than a public option. Options are good, and being that they are options, no one HAS to choose them. Is it competition you don't like? I mean, us mere mortals have to pay for our health care whereas you get this kick-ass healthcare for nothing. In my mind, that means you have no fucking say AT ALL about what type of health care we have. We are paying, so we should choose. Drop your health care coverage and start paying like a normal person, then you get a say. Oh, and what's with this filibuster shit you are trying to pull. Weren't you just against filibustering, was it last year? So when it suits you, you are for it. Dick Bag, quit hopping the fence. Grow a stem-cell modified spine, and man up. Oh, and you have a huge head. Step out of line and go check with your doctor how much the procedures you need cost.

Glenn Beck - I don't know how you manage to make it in this same line week after week. When we opened this club, there were a few people we thought would be habitual rejectees, but seriously, you were well of the radar. I mean, we like to be surprised and all, but you should take a breather. Are you mistakenly trying to find the Krispy Kreme? This city doesn't have a local branch of the "Pompous Douches with Their Head's Up Their Asses" Lodge. How can you repeatedly just stumble into this line? OH, I know, it's by doing thing like referring to health care reform being more dangerous than terrorists. Do you have a former GWBush speech writer? Taking your shoes off BEFORE the plane hits the tower? Really?! I mean, maybe you were in the heat of the moment, but semantically, doing that is kinda of on par with putting on brand new Nikes, placing a purple cloth over your face, and committing suicide by ingesting cyanide. Are your 9/12ers latent Heaven's Gaters? You also state that these 9/12ers are going to town halls, and taking up their weekends reading 2,000 page health care bills. You know what that shows? Nothing. 1) I seriously doubt you could read 2,000 pages in a weekend, and 2) they are only doing this because you are force-feeding them propaganda. How about YOU read the 2,000 page health care bill (we won't mind if you have to take off filming a few shows), ACTUALLY get a grasp on it, THEN tell the crowd what you think. In the mean time, let your 9/12ers do something useful like, I don't know, spend time with their families. Actually, in your case I know it's not fair to your family, but I'm going to have to ask you to get out of line and go bother them.

Giant Penis-Eating Worms - Isn't the world bad enough with nuclear Iran, crazy Kim Jong-Il, and Glenn Beck? Now we find you, a giant penis eating worm in an aquarium in Hull. What's the world coming to? Apparently, you grow really big and eat fish, so why do you have to cross that line and feed your male partner's penis to your young? What happened to you when you were a young wormlet? Why all the hate? I also kind of wonder how you made your way into the aquarium. We may have to audit their lifeform tracking; maybe they have mermaids!!! This is a genital-friendly club. We don't like your penis-biting kind around here, so you can slither away now. Wait, how did you even get here? Nevermind!

Jesse Ventura - Mr. Ventura, it's a pleasure. I remember you from professional wrestling when I was a wee'un and you were "The Body". You went on to be Minnesota governor, and are known to have no problem expressing how you feel without sugar-coating it for the PC-inclined. Your recent comments about voting on gay marriage are spot on. Civil rights should not be influenced by people's prejudices. Too many legislators now don't see that, only wanting to do right by the prejudices of their constituents just so they can get re-elected. Thanks for stepping forward, thus putting those officials and voters in the spotlight, highlighting their general ignorance and bigotry. Welcome in, Mr. Ventura, and have a good time.

We'll call you "Goose" - We here at the club don't know your name, you almost got rejected for stupidity, but we'd like to let you in for sheer ballsiness. Even if it was an accident, you now have a story that will go down in your family lore for ages. When you felt that bone-jarring force of the ejection seat pushing you into the empty blue sky... that had to be one of the biggest "OH SHIT!" moments in history. We're glad to see your survived and haven't been incarcerated, so welcome in, and with that story, I doubt you'll have to buy a beer all night.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 30-October-2009

2009-10-30T06:24:00.003-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

The club apologizes for the lack of incumbents this week. It must be that everyone is saving up their energy for the upcoming Halloween parties, or that everyone is getting the blues since summer is over and the winter looms, but never you worry; the club will be open all winter ready to lift your spirits WITH spirits if necessary. Come back next week, and we'll see if we can't draw a bigger crowd.

Scientologists - I have to give you credit, you guys sure can spin. I don't know how you do it, but somehow you can warp the minds of some rich people into taking up the cause of your loony tunes "religion". It's impressive and scary. I mean, L. Ron, went into this as a business. He's been quoted as wanting to start a religion. Theoretically, you don't "start" a religion, you can't create one, it must be introduced to you by some higher power who wants some cred for all his work. When you say you "want" to start a religion and then do... well, that's just an INSANE coincidence. Going after the rich people was good too, you need funding if you want to see it grow large in your lifetime and offering plates are just so small. I just want to say you guys are nuts. Give you money away to charity, do GOOD with it. When you are confronted with claims of financial and spiritual fraud, you throw off your mic and storm out? That's not a very good impression to leave with the people. Maybe you should go home, get audited, and if we're lucky, they are handing out the magic grape Kool-Aid tonight.

Bobby McFerrin - Man, I'm really sorry that you will forever be known as the "Don't Worry, Be Happy" guy (dammit, it's in my head... well that was the risk I took inviting you in). I mean, it's a good and catchy song, but apparently your knowledge base for music theory and cognition goes significantly further than that. The video you did was interesting in that it engaged that audience with, at first, a bit of awkward "What the hell is the 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' guy doing jumping around the stage", and then went on to, without coaching, conducting an entire crowd into hitting notes strictly from spacial perceptions. When you can engage an audience like that, the point really sticks, and the club is glad to see you spreading some fun and knowledge around. We appreciate it if you can in and sang something to get your "other" song out of our heads. Thanks.

Charlize Theron - Charlize, welcome to the club. We are really excited to have you here tonight. We are big fans of your movies (Aeon Flux... oh yeah!). Reindeer Games was, well, everyone had bumps, but you had "Monster". The club has been lacking in the "Beautiful Woman" department lately, but you are definitely upping that factor this evening. We thought it was great that you were willing to kiss a total stranger to get your bids up for an African charity in order to beat Jeremy Piven. When the winning bidder turned out to be a woman, you didn't back down, and the club absolutely fell head over heels for you. YOU... ARE... AWESOME! Please do come in. I'll apologize ahead of time if there is any gawking.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 23-October-2009

2009-10-23T05:21:00.005-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Dante Wesley - Dude, you need to lay of the steroids! When your 'roid rage strikes out on the field during a televised game, people are going to start suspecting things. With 10 seconds left in the half, odds are against a full-field run back, just wait for the guy to catch the ball and wrap him up, one play and go to the locker room. God damn man! You left your feet (illegal) and aimed for the head (illegal) of a defenseless player (illegal). That's how people get career-ending injuries. What was going through your head when you did this? Christ! All you are is a cheap-shotting mofo. Slowly, step out of line and walk with your head hung low back to the locker room. Actually, you might want to keep your eyes up. I think we have some Bucs fans in line, and there are a lot of shadows along this street.

Keith Bardwell - Hey racist dickhead... What is your job again? Justice of the Peace, yeah? That means, as part of your job, you have to sign marriage licenses. STOP! That's it. No justifications, no prejudices, no injecting your own thoughts or concerns into the deal. Just about the only things you could REASONABLY not sign the license is if one of the parties is intoxicated or maybe bound and gagged with duct tape (but even then, you might have to in case they are into BDSM... ask if the bound party wants to use the safety word). It doesn't matter if you think their children are going to have a hard time in society. What if a white couple's baby is born with a sever birth defect. That child will have a hard time in society... so you shouldn't've married them? Trying to hide behind you having black friends is no excuse either. You let them "use [your] bathroom". My, how 1960's of you! You're also quoted as saying you try to treat everyone equally... Hold on, I think I'm having an aneurysm. WTF?! Do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth and if you do, do you understand them? They certainly aren't matching up with your actions. So, typical southern bigot, step aside. I'm going to have to deny you entry, we have some concern for your safety inside.

Somali Islamists - Ok, boys, put down the whips. You are in the USofA now, and they may be considered weapons. Now what the fuck is the deal with you whipping ladies for wearing bras? Are you that sexually frustrated that you see the shape of a boob, and you (maybe) get a hard-on, so you must whip the girl, despite it being your fault you can't control your urges. Pass the buck, that's the name of the game. Women must cover themselves and be modest for no better reason than you can't be trusted to think of baseball instead of boobies. Get a life, kids. Speaking as a guy who knows how to control his urges AND likes looking at women, have you SEEN the Victoria's Secret catalog? Come on, it's a work of art! Bras are fantastic. Granted, the Miracle Bra is a bit of false advertising, but still. There's lacy ones, sheer ones, seamless ones, strapless ones, transformer ones, ones with holes strategically designed in them... Sorry, I got caught up in the moment. Seriously, you guys need to go home and think long and hard about if you are whipping the right person. Next time you feel an "urge" go out back and flog yourself, ya weak shits! Go home. **whispering** bras, panties, things, garters, oh my. We'll see if that gets 'em!.

Missionaries - Now, from that link, rejecting all missionaries is a it of a stretch, but here's how I rationalize it. It's my club, and you are assholes! There. No, but seriously, I've always hated the idea of missioning (?). I know of some people, under the false pretense of another occupation, are "spreading the word of god" in countries where missionaries are illegal. I wouldn't mind if they got caught. See, you certainly do good things, help build roads, houses, schools, and educate, but you also build them churches. As soon as the steeple goes up, the altruism vaporizes. You aren't doing this for them, you are doing this for your church, to keep up the people count. If you just did you good deeds and went, we'd be SOOO cool. You can tell them about your religion (if you must), but then you should also tell them about your premature ejaculation problem or how you felt awkward climbing the rope in gym class. They all of the same level of importance to this person you are trying to "help", so if you don't mind telling them about your problems... ok, go ahead and talk, but don't preach, don't proselytize, just be nice, do, an leave. As usual when it comes to religion and missionaries, I've become a bit long-winded. Rounding back to the point I've been meaning to make, there are Christian churches in Africa that were missioned and left. That's it. Apparently, there's been no upkeep, no reinforcement, so they are intermingling the Christianity your predecessors brought them with their previous beliefs. Now, this might sounds familiar. This is what Christianity did, as well. More than likely Jesus wasn't born on 25-December or it would be a strange coincidence considering far older religions and beliefs held this day to be special. Christianity squashed the other religions and picked out the good things they had and made them it's own... like these African churches. Having left them to their own devices, now they are killing children they deem "witches" during exorcisms, all for a high cost (even if they fail). So, I shall step down off my milk crate, and say, missionaries, your predecessors' work has killed children in Africa this day, and your work may do the same in the future. I'm just sick of it. Try being TRULY altruistic, and maybe we'll talk. Be done with you.

Health Insurance Companies - You have lived of the fat of the land for so long, your brain is clogged with the stuff. How can rape POSSIBLY be a pre-existing condition?! It's RAPE for fuck sake! Is being shot a pre-existing condition ("Apparently this man likes to hang around the wrong end of guns")? Is being burnt in a house fire a pre-existing condition ("If he was faster, he would've been OK")? Being raped is traumatic enough, then having the fear of AIDS or some other STD or getting pregnant. Now it's come to light that you pile on another fear... you won't pay for their care or, even worse, you might not insure them at all in the future. EVEN if they are HIV-, just the fact that they've taken anti-HIV drugs? Holy clusterfuck of stupidity, Batman! Do your jobs, just do your FUCKING jobs! You job is to insure people. Some are going to be more expensive, others will hardly use it at all. THAT is your job. Your job IS NOT to get rich by denying claims, denying coverage, and upping premiums so you can go to the fucking casino in a private jet and piss it all away! FUCK! Get your priorities straight! Get your HEAD straight! Get outta my face, or I might have to straighten your head for you.

Glenn Beck - Welcome back to the rejection line! Someday we might pity you enough to let you maybe have a LOOK inside, but you gotta get off the drugs or ON your meds. How is the President encouraging volunteering a bad thing? Is it because no one is going to make money on it? Oh no, capitalism NOT being injected into every facet of America, OH NO! It doesn't hurt to volunteer. Our society, as a whole, has been somehow converted to a "nothing comes free" attitude. Chores that kids once were "required" to do in order to go play are now recompensed with an allowance. You say Americans are the most generous people in the world. You also think we have the best health care in the world, which is emphatically wrong and can be backed up with data. American pride shouldn't obscure the truth. THAT is a communist outlook, THAT is more like Mao's China and 1984. I'd like to think Americans are generous, but I'm not even sure how to quantify that. I guess we could count the increase in the homeless population every year, or how many people are kicked out of their houses, or how many people suffer because of poor or no health care coverage. Yeah, by that note, I don't think we are very generous, but maybe you are thinking about the money you put in the offering tray on Sunday. When was the last time you did something "generous"? And it has to be the dictionary definition, not some over-inflated sense of self-importance definition of generous like you DIDN'T run over the guy who was in the crosswalk. From your segment (and I'm guessing it was a slow news day as this really isn't worthy of the airtime), I'm guessing you are just a lazy fuck and don't want people picking on your like they did in grade school when they point out that you can't be bothered to help your fellow man without compensation. You, sir, have proven yet again, that you are the king of asshats by trying to put a bad spin on a good initiative. Go... just go!

John Kanzius (GG) - John, your story is amazing. Given your background and the desire to fight to live, you created a machine to help you fight terminal leukemia. The theories were sound, and your work is going to be carried on. The future looks promising particularly using the gold nano-particles which maybe you should've tried. It's too bad that it wasn't perfected in time, but it's possible you could be seen as a hero and pioneer in cancer treatments in the future. Welcome in, and we just want to say thanks for the hope.

Nathaniel Kassel - Dude, you are funny. I never would've thought to high-five people trying to wave down taxis. It's unique, funny, and in most cases, it brought a smile to the faces of the people who were "fived". There was the case of the one guy who tried to chase you (come on, bike versus running in a business suit and loafers?), but on the whole, it looked like people enjoyed the experience once they'd realized what happened. Thanks for spreading some cheer in an original way. Come on in, and so that same (but maybe without the bike).

Gay Wilkinson - Nothing says fun like heavy metal and explosives. I don't know where you got the idea, but I can tell there has been some fine tuning (like the steno pad glued to the anvil as a gasket... were there side blowouts?). Still, it looks like a fun thing to see in person. We'd like you to come in and tell us how you came up with the idea, and hopefully a funny stories about the testing. MAYBE we can set up a test area out back, but that might have to wait for next week.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 16-October-2009

2009-10-16T06:12:00.007-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

GOP - Where in the fuck is your collective head at? Are you guys standing together SO STAUNCHLY against Obama's health care bill, that whatever comes up in front of you, you vote against without listening? Al Franken proposed an amendment that the US government should deny defense contracts to contractors who have employees sign away their right to sue the company. Seems like a fairly logical thing. Contractors that WOULD do that sound highly suspicious already but considering the case where an RBK employee was gang-raped by her colleagues, and she couldn't sue the company? Holy shit, this should be unanimous. Walk in, drop your vote, and go to lunch. It's RAPE, pricks! You shouldn't even be asked to sign away human rights in a contract. If your company can't protect you from being raped, that company owes you a lot more than money. It's absolute bullshit that some GOPs actually voted against this because some feel it's not their job to interject into the contracts of our contractors, but as Jon Stewart said, but wait... that IS your job. You SHOULD be responsible for hiring upstanding and safe contractors who DON'T hide behind contracts when human liberties are violated. How can you seriously rationalize this in your head? And if you can, I hope all your daughters work for companies that sign their rights away as well. If this happens again, WHEN IT'S YOUR FAMILY... let's see how you vote then, assholes! Get the fuck out of line!

Saudi Oil Barons - You pompous pricks! Seriously! If the world decreases it's oil dependence, you are going to need foreign aid?! You can come right here and kick my ass. You are one of the richest countries in the world due to your oil reserves. You try to control the world economy by rationing how much you are going to pull out of the ground on a whim. I'm not a huge fan of the opulence of Dubai and Qatar, but at least they DID something with their money. They've tried to build and infrastructure and make themselves a center of commerce. What have you done? You've had a near-monopoly on the oil business since, what, the 70's at least, and what have you done with your money. You don't get to bend the world over a barrel, then when that barrel is pulled away, say, "I'm sorry, we're cool right? Can you help me move my sofa this weekend?". NO! IT doesn't work like that, so I suggest you step out of line, go home, and figure out what you are going to do with the money you have buried in the desert or wherever the hell you have it. Calculate the REAL money you are going to be taking in (the IEA report has no real reason to biased against you, but you DO have a reason to be biased for you, think about it), and figure out how to do something sustainable in your country. It's a huge fucking desert, invest in solar!

Greedy Energy Producers - Who was the corporate assclown who thought it would be a good idea to make up losses by charging the customer more to do good for the environment? Really, bring him up front! Hey jackhole... you're about as bad as the Saudi fuckers we just kicked out. You got in this game because it's easy money, oil and gas is flowing freely, everyone needs power, it's a Win-Win, right? But,oh shit, on the horizon you see the green movement coming, energy efficient light bulbs, people promoting renewable resources, recycling, GOOD STUFF, that might cut into your bottom line. Like the Saudis, what did you do with your money? Fuck this "We're gonna lose money with these energy efficient light bulbs since people won't use so much power, so we're going to hand out the light bulbs, make them pay a mark-up of 600%, and hope that makes up for the money we are going to lose". Sorry buddy, but there's no such thing as a free lunch! Learn it, live it! There ARE ways to make money in the new energy revolution. You ever hear the adage "You have to spend money to make money"? Well, do it! Don't try to fuck over your customer because you're a lazy shite and you might not make the numbers to get your overly inflated bonus. Fuck off home and google "green energy".

CNN - CNN people... the club has a friend known only as "TheMom". She's recent written a nice piece on the Code of Ethics that journalists should have to abide by. The way they get around it? Don't hire journalists, but I digress. During a recent interview with Arianna Huffington on The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, they cut in with "BREAKING NEWS". OK, on the edges of our seats... what could be so fantastically important or tragic that they'd cut in on a serious talk about the risk and costs ($65 billion / year) involved in the Afghanistan war? FUCKING RUSH LIMBAUGH ISN'T GOING TO BE ABLE TO BUY THE RAMS?!?!?!?!?! Who the fuck cares if this bloated, hate-filled, possibly recovering junkie gets to buy a football team. This isn't Perry White's "The Daily Planet" where we have to run out and SCOOP everything. You are a 24-hour news channel that normally has to fill it's time with shite because news doesn't necessarily happen 24 hours. This is the absolute OPPOSITE of breaking news; and Wolf, be careful using that tone. The way you said, "I want everybody to standby for just a moment"... UH-UH, not allowed, not for this topic. That is what you say when planes fly into buildings, when space shuttles explode on live TV, when a president is assassinated. You don't say that in that tone when a fuckjob Republican mouthpiece DOESN'T get his chance to buy his version of slaves. CNN, you really failed on this one, I expected more out of "America's Most Trusted News Source". Go home and get your priorities straight.

John Forehand - You make it too easy, but we should seriously fucking give you a coma-inducing Backhand. You sick son of a bitch! Why, why, why? Can't you go to the bar and take home a barfly? It's not an ideal situation for the kids, but it's better than wanting to fuck them! We can tell, despite being completely fucked in the head, that you aren't very intelligent. MOST pedophiles get caught with pictures or videos (which it looked like you were going to take when you were arrested), but you even did it online. And this... "not many other fathers and daughters are this brave, so not many of them are so lucky to experience all these pleasures"? Not only did you want to destroy any sense of innocence you're VERY OWN flesh-and- blood had, but you were glorifying it. You were prepared to ruin her for her entire life, fucking with how her brain works. You are a sick fuck, and I hope Bubba does everything to you that you wanted to do to your little girl. Here come the cops, go away before you "accidentally" fall down and hurt yourself bad!

William Kamkwamba - William, the club first heard about you when you did an interview on "The Daily Show". Your story is inspirational, and that is to say the very least. You dropped out of school because your parents couldn't afford it, you went to the library, and basically from pictures, you learned how to build a windmill to produce energy for your family in Malawi. I've personally bought your book, because I'd like to learn more about what drives a 14-year old boy with little formal education and possibly NO english (at the time) to build something to help his family... from pictures. Your story is truly remarkable, and the club wishes you all the best. Come on in, have a drink, and relax. If you get bored, we have some books you can read up on, and our ceiling fan is on the fritz... maybe you could look at it? Get inside, man, and enjoy... your story's getting me all choked up.

For those others in line, if you can't buy the book, here's a link to a short video telling his story in brief.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 9-October-2009

2009-10-10T06:49:00.008-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - Mahmoud, are you a Jew? I mean, really, you can tell me. See, because I'm a fairly rational person, I don't have a problem with you being a Jew... or a Buddhist, a Muslim, a Satanist, whatever you want as long as you don't hurt anyone or anything. From this article, though, it looks like you family converted is Islam from Judaism soon after your birth. You were born a Jew, and you know what that is? It's just a descriptor, just a word on a piece of paper. If we took your blood and analyzed it, nowhere would we find evidence of you being Jewish or Muslim, just that you are human, like we all are. So, don't hate just because of a title. You don't need to over-compensate. It is rumored that Hitler was 1/4 Jew, and that is what led to the Holocaust. We don't need more people like that, and if you are going to be one of them, we certainly don't need you either. Go home, and hug a Jew on the way home. It'll feel good.

Air India Flight Crew - Hey guys, what the fuck got in your head, that at 30,000 feet, you thought you could go MMA-style on each other? this IS NOT a fucking go-kart, this is a multi-million dollar piece of machinery you are handling almost 5 MILES UP!!! keep your shite to yourself until you are on the ground. You became terrorists the minute you couldn't do that, because all the people on board were being held hostage by your idiocy. Their safety was at risk. Seriously, I'm almost at a lost for words at how pissed off I am at your carelessness, so before I get myself into trouble breaking into a tirade of racial epithets and slurs, I suggest you step out of line, and take some anger management courses... and maybe some flight training again. There had to be some "In-flight Issue Resolution" classes.

GOPs - What do you guys have against health care for those that don't have it? There HAS to be someone in your family that doesn't have health care that could benefit from this, but you are all standing together, so you don't get blackballed for voting with the Democrats. It may not be perfect, but it's a step in the right direction. There is even dissent on the Democrat's side. You'd expect that, because we are human, we have differences, we are not automatons. On that same note, you'd expect dissent among the GOP as well. There should be SOMEONE with that balls to stand up against his fellow party members and say, "You know what, guys? I'm with you on most things, but this bill WILL help people. It will increase quality of life for lots of people even if it MIGHT cost a little more (which with the preventative care, it probably won't). I'm going to vote for it." Why don't we see this? Because the "Grand Ol' Party" has turned into a bunch of "Giant Obstinate Pricks" who are only looking out for themselves. You will be the ruin of this nation, only by your own PERSONAL politics, and your own racial and socio-economical stereotypes. Go lock yourself in the building of whatever branch you work in and fight it out, death-match style. Then whoever wins, well, he MIGHT make it to the hospital in time to get his wounds cared for... MAYBE!

Rush Limbaugh - OK, if YOU'D like to align yourself with the Taliban and Iran, I'm all for it. I mean, you ARE kind of an ass, but even in that statement I made a crucial mistake that most do. I'll clarify. See, the Taliban, due the the ideals that make them who they are, they are asses. All of them. Just the way it is. They were drawn to that cause by their own beliefs and STAY with that cause for that reason. Now, the common mistake is grouping entire countries under the policies of their leaders. A LOT of people hated America because of G.W.Bush's policies, but technically, they didn't hate America, they hated Bush (and maybe those people who voted for such a war-mongering idiot). The same goes for Iran. I have a few Iranian friends are very nice people. They, themselves, aren't very fond of Ahmadinejad. So, I can't lump you in with Iran; rather, I'd lump you in with Ahmadinejad himself. I certainly wouldn't want to insult my Iranian friends by putting you in the same class. So, back to the point, if you feel you want to be included with the Taliban and Ahmadinejad, so be it. I'm perfectly content with that, and on that note, I think you should step out of line. I don't want any other patrons accidentally rounded with you once you are declared and "enemy combatant". Anyways, we just sent Mahmoud away, you might be able to catch up with him if you run. Hah, well, maybe hail a taxi. Oh, and by the way, I know it's now how it's done but, hypothetically, if the Nobel was to go to Obama or G.W.Bush, here's a brief breakdown of WHY Obama would win. It kinda IS that simple.

Bill O'Reilly - I fell bad for you, sir. Your "debate" with Richard Dawkins was a bit embarrassing. Not completely, mind you, since it was a short bit on your show, but I think that is to your benefit. I think he'd've mopped the floor with you if you'd've continued much longer. At one point, you call Dawkins wanting religion to stay out of science classes, "fascism". Do you know what fascism means? I mean, I figured you were a bit smarter than the Tea Partiers who just spout the key words given to them by the propaganda-machine on the right. just to help you out, the American Heritage Dictionary defines "fascism" as: "A philosophy or system of government that is marked by stringent social and economic control, a strong, centralized government usually headed by a dictator, and often a policy of belligerent nationalism." Now, what part of that has anything at all to do with keeping religion out of science classes, the the converse, keeping science out of the church? Absolutely nothing! This is why I fear Dawkins would've whooped you had the debate continued. You need to know the words you are using, and in the case of science, you have to know when you DON'T have the answer, be comfortable with saying that, but keep striving to find it. So, Bill, because I feel for ya, here's $5, there's a bookstore around the corner. Why don't you buy a pocket dictionary and then use the change to buy a clue?

Rukhsana Kauser - Wow, Rukhsana! You are an amazing young woman! Definitely a role model for young girls to look up to that you don't have to take the shit that comes to you by asshole terrorist rapist fuckers. Granted, what you and your brother did was bat-shit crazy, but it turned out the best for you. Wh would've thought an 18-year old girl would take down a notorious terrorist who'd been fucking with the Indian countryside for the past 5 years. I can't tell the story as well as someone else has, so I'll let the readers just check out the link. I know you are under witness protection, and luckily we are a witness protection friendly club, so welcome in, and consider yourself off the grid for a while. Sit down, relax and enjoy a nice lassi.

Kate Beckinsale - We are So pleased to have you here, Kate. After Esquire recently bestowed upon you the title of "Sexiest Woman Alive", we wanted to honor your ourselves. Plus, a friend of the club, JHo, has complained about the lack of hot chicks we have here. You are DEFINITELY upping our cred. Still, not to be completely superficial, you are a great actress. Besides club favorites like "Underworld", you've recent come out with "White Out", not to mention some of your others like, "Click", "Pearl Harbor", and "Brokedown Palace". You are a classy, intelligent, and beautiful person (and the accent is pretty hot too). Thanks for all your work (especially the "Death Dealer" stuff). Come on in and make a few people smile.

Lara Logan - Sometimes, life isn't fair. I mean, you have looks AND brains and as Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent for CBS News, you travel to some of the most dangerous places in the world to document the goings-on there. Insane. Granted, you are probably most famous for the tabloid reports about some relationship things that were somehow more important than the actual Iraq news, but we won't go into that here. We are just glad you would lake to grace our club with your presence. Again, I hope that JHo would be pleased. Lara, please do come in and have a drink on the house. Everything's off the record here.

Brad Sciullo - Seriously, dude. you are one crazy motherfucker! The club heard about you from The Colbert Report's two-part piece on you entitledEating the Distance - The Brad Sciullo Story. For all our readers, it is best to just watch the clip, but in brief, Brad here attempts to eat a 15-POUND, 30,000 calorie burger called "The Belly Buster". We're not huge fans of competitive eating around here, especially if you are fairly skinny because that means either 1) you have bulimic tendencies or 2) you are unfairly blessed with an insane metabolism. Still, we figured if you're attempt didn't kill you as the doctor's warned you it might, and you were able to push back from that table alive, we'd let you in the club. Keep in mind, you pay for everything here, no freebies (maybe one drink, but just because you heard us give one to Kate). Welcome in, and don't make a mess.

Renovations

2009-10-09T07:50:00.002-04:00

The club had to undergo some renovations this week, so the guest list will have to be postponed until tomorrow. We apologize for any inconvenience and hope to see you tomorrow. Thanks.

-Management

The Guest List for the Weekend of 2-October-2009

2009-10-02T06:34:00.007-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Ann Coulter - Ann... welcome back to not being welcome back. I'm surprised you waited this long before popping up in public for no real good reason than that you were missing the limelight. Your spot on the Joy Behar show was pretty good in that, as usual, you defended yourself and you co-Republican mouthpieces with nothing more than "I'm right, you're wrong, I have no evidence, buh bye". I wonder at times if you possibly have multiple personality disorder. Assuming that you are an intelligent person, that's the only way I can see that you can "believe" some of the things you are saying, for example, that Sarah Palin is "coherent". I'm guessing when you say that, you are in your 5-year old persona who doesn't really know what coherent means, or your mentally disturbed persona who just holds all your crazy, and then you come back to normal afterward with no recollection of spewing said crazy on TV. Still, this theory of mine is based on a weak assumption, that you are intelligent. If that's disproven, well, I guess it your crazy person speaks for itself. Without making any sudden or threatening movements, would you please step out of line, go home, and coddle some Ben and Jerry's.

Sean Hannity - Seanny boy! Where do you come up with this stuff? Please, please, PLEASE look at the video I linked your name to. A local news station debunked your play to look like the "All-American Hero of the Common Man". Framing your piece in a HARVESTED tomato field which you incorrectly led your viewers to be the state of and unharvested field with no water, doesn't make your point, it makes you look like an ass. You believe what you want to believe, never mind the evidence (there's that word again), and you propagandize your viewers with the same. When someone with an alternate explanation tried to speak (via satellite), the crowd you incited with false information, boo'd him rather than take the time to hear both sides and make and informed decision. I mean, I understand, that hearing BOTH sides might fill your brain up and possibly give you a headache, but it's something that progressive people do. Give it a try. And by the way, next time try a T-shirt if you want to fit in with the locals... a polo just makes you look like a douche in this situation. Why don't you take some of this constructive criticism home with you to think on for a bit?

Michael Steele - The Republican party's "Obama"... How are you doing? Not very well I'm guessing. Now this might sound a bit ironic, but take your time to analyze it, and you'll see why it's not. Don't you have better things to do than criticize the POTUS for lobbying for the 2016 Olympics? The irony you might find here (which isn't at all) is that you think HE has better things to do than lobby for the Games. Here's where you are going to have to think. Take a breath. This is called "planning for the future". Granted, I'm sure the POTUS has some city and state pride in Chicago, Illinois being on the short list, but do you know what comes with the Olympics? A SHITLOAD of money. Money in the form of jobs to build the facilities, road reconstruction and upgrades, logistics, tourism opportunities, and public transport upgrades. Knowing that we are in the shit now, doesn't preclude you from try to preparing to stay out of the shit in the future. This is one of the many shortcomings of George W. He only thought in the now, make money NOW (never mind the fallout later), invade Iraq NOW (never mind the fallout with peaceful Muslims around the world and INCREASING a global anti-American mindset). Obama is setting up a sort of near-future retirement. Set aside some time and money now to make bigger returns later. So, Mr. Steele, please try to get out of GW's mindset of here-and-now politics and think about the bigger picture; that is,the FUTURE of our nation and it's people. And with that, I ask you to step aside so our other patrons may pass. Go do something better with your time.

Brooke Hogan - Brooke, your music suck. I mean, someone has to tell you, and I'm sorry it had to be YOUR PRODUCER, but just to make sure it gets in that plasticine head of yours, I'll concur... your music sucks. If you want to be famous, and your daddy is a professional wrestler, you might want to follow in his footsteps. Theoretically, odds are you are going to be built more like a linebacker than a ballerina. In this case, theory confirmed. I'm not saying you are.. ugly, it's just you aren't really built for the bubblegum pop music culture. That could start me on a completely different tangent about how it shouldn't matter what you look like if you make good music, but... you don't do that either. You should take up MMA or hell, I'm sure the WWE would take you in a heartbeat, you have the build and the name. Take your natural talents and make the best of them, rather than trying to convince people you can sing. It's just cruel and unusual. Now, if you don't mind, I suggest you go home, get online, and delete EVERY one of your songs that you can find on the interwebs. That should keep you busy, then give Vince McMahon a call.

Trent Franks - Here we are again with ANOTHER nobody-knew-you-before-you-said-something-stupid politician. Mr. Franks, do they teach "riot inciting" when you join politics? Maybe "Fact Ignoring 101", or "Distill a Complex Point Down to an Fallacious Black and White Situation 205"? Obama is sending money overseas to kill babies? Really? I mean, is he paying for drowning centers? Is he funding baby skeet shoots, or maybe toddler skydiving lessons? Calling the POTUS an "enemy of humanity" is a tall order to prove... which you didn't... because you can't. Still, it was cute when, after you got your name on YouTube how you backtracked like a MUTHAFUCKA! So you meant he's only an enemy to humanity ONLY in relation to his abortion policies, and you meant "unborn humanity" rather than "humanity", and you meant Obama's ABORTION POLICIES have no place in government (which they kinda do as POTUS), rather than OBAMA has no place in government. Ooookay? How about this, and I'm just thinking out loud here... quit taking up valuable space in line, go back to you office and write the speech you MEANT to write, then PROOFREAD that speech. Read it aloud, read it to friends, colleagues, etc., then edit it according to the criticisms you get, repeat several times, and then try giving your speech again. And we better not have any dangling participles, douchewad!

Carl Sagan - Carl, man, it's really too bad you're dead, but we're happy to admit another Ghostguest. You lived your life with a childlike awe of the universe and our small place in it. You took complex cosmological phenomena and with the words of a poet, shared them with the common man in a way that he could understand. You even did your best to bring turtlenecks to the forefront of modern fashion. You posited that when looking for extraterrestrial life, to look for atmospheres that might be out-of-whack a bit, as life has a significant impact on it's surroundings. It seems you took extreme joy in your job, and we are all the better for it. Plus, despite the clubs distaste for Auto-Tuning, you were just meant for it. Thanks for everything, and welcome to the club.

Stephen Hawking - Prof. Hawking, it is an honor to have you stop by the club. We were surprised to see you here, but after reading that you were stepping down from "Newton's Chair" we realize that you have some more free time on your hands, and you might want to relax a bit. There is no rationalization for the disease that's robbed you of your mobility, but we like to think that you were just so smart that it had to come at a cost. There's no such thing as a free lunch, as they say. Still, you didn't let that hold you back, and I suppose it may have even fueled you further. Your grasp of how the universe works is tremendous. You, like Carl Sagan who's inside (we'll explain how that works later), could take a concept that fellow theoretical physicists had a hard time grasping, and you could describe it with a simple metaphor or explain it as a small demonstration, so we simple folk could get a hint at the brilliance of the concept you were talking about. Your theories on the universe, black holes, and humanity's need to chase the stars are an inspiration. We're sad to see that you have to step down. We don't know when there will be another like you. Come on in, and make yourself comfortable.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 25-September-2009

2009-09-25T06:06:00.004-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Well, it was a slow week at the club being that Eid Al-Fitr was this week and summer's recently ended. Still, we found some interesting people in line, trying to make their way in. Take a look at who made the cut.

Kirk Cameron - Kirk, what happened to you? You went from Tiger Beat heartthrob in the 80's to complete religious nut in the new millennium. Is it because Leonardo DiCaprio went from an end-of-the-show storyline twist in "Growing Pains" to starring in major blockbusters like "Titanic" and going on to later bang super-hottie, Gisele Bündchen? I mean, if it is, I understand, I'd be jealous too, but then just try to make a GOOD movie. Take some acting classes. Don't fall back on religiously back suckfest movies such as the "Left Behind" series, and "Fireproof", the Christian version of "Backdraft". Here's a tip... Ray Comfort is a religious whackjob and is no good for anybody, particularly, washed-up 80's teen heartthrobs. The really funny thing is this latest stunt you and he and your "flock" are pulling as to wanting a fair & balanced (my emphasis) version of "The Origin of Species" handed out to college students. It's funny because you are taking the atheist/agnostic view, changing a few words and making it your own. Tell me if this sounds familiar, "They are indoctrinating our youth with a one-sided story. Their story is biased and quite possibly a hoax. We just want the chance to give the people a chance to hear both sides and make an educated, informed decision." Does that sound familiar? It should, because this is what you are saying now, despite this being what atheists/agnostics have said for years about the church. You see with religion, this IS indoctrination, because kids are rarely, if ever, asked by their parents, "Would you like to go to church with us this Sunday to learn about God/Jesus/Jehovah/Xenu?". It doesn't happen that way. They are dragged to Sunday School them to the service where you give them Cap'N Crunch to keep them quiet during the sermon, then they go home. The problem you have now is that students "are entering college with a belief in God and exiting with that faith being stripped and shredded." Do you know why it's being stripped? It's because of that "other side of the story" that you want to teach them about... it's being taught to them, and they are making an educated, informed decision. You can't claim to want YOUR chance, when you've already had it all this time. Kirk, I feel bad for ya, son, I got 99 problems, but your God ain't one. Why don't you go home, practice the rhythm method, and pop out Cameron #7?

Rick Sanchez - SuperDouche, what's up man? I really don't have a plethora of reasons why you aren't going to be let in this evening. I'll be honest. I just don't think you are a very good journalist. Sensationalist, at best, but you aren't even that sensational. So, who are you fucking at CNN to keep your job, or maybe, what do you have on someone that you can blackmail them into letting you keep your fantasy of being an authentic TV journalist? I mean, even your mom thinks your a bit of a retard. Your latest stunt in trying to escape from a submerged car didn't really give me the warm-and-fuzzies either. I mean, the Mythbusters (at 2:45) did this years ago, and did it in far more detail. Plus, they proved that you CAN escape through the door if you understand just a WEE bit about physics (that's science stuff, Rick). If you actually take your time, be patient, and let the car fill up, the pressure will equalize, and you can slide out like a graceful merman, which is far cooler than you scrambling all-pussified for the rescue breather when your SHOULDERS get wet. If you are going to be a sensationalist journalist, at least bring some flare, some bawlz, some... something. Go home and give David Blaine a call, maybe he can give you another idea you can wuss out on.

Congressman Steve King (R) - Since I'm not big into politics, I'm going to label you "Nobody-Politician-Who-No-One Really-Cared-About-Before #4". I'm sure there are a few (in Iowa) because you were elected, but other than that, I'm guessing you aren't very stellar. I've not seen any headlines about any progressive or trail-blazing legislation you've put forward. As a matter of fact, it seems you've done just the opposite claiming that same-sex marriage is tantamount to socialism? I believe your argument is along the lines of: We have it, they want it, and if we give it to them then we are all equal, and that's socialism; wah, wah, wah, I'm taking my ball and going home!" Correct me if I'm wrong, please. Which of your adviser lackeys gave you the idea to mashup same-sex marriage with one of the latest political buzzwords, "socialism", with the incorrect connotation of it being a bad thing (even your constituents aren't with you)? This is a dangerous course of action and a slippery slope. I mean, is that your argument for water-boarding? if we gave air to EVERYONE, well, where would be be then? Total chaos and orgies in the streets, right? Damn gays, just wanting to be equal, get benefits, get married, not bother anyone... OBVIOUSLY troublemakers, right? You are a major ass, Fuckwad King, and I certainly hope that someone straight-bashes you as you step out of line.

"The Daily Show" - Wow, there's a lot of you, ut the more the merrier. Congratulations to "The Daily Show" crew for the two Emmy wins last week. "The Daily Show" is unique in that it brings the news to the younger generation who might not be into watching the old-school format of "The CBS Evening News with Katie Couric". The news is brought to the public through a group of sardonic "senior" reporters that create humorous yet informative reports. The core is using humor and wry wit to tell a story or interview a person and call out an obvious flaw in logic to see how the situation is dealt with. Without "The Daily Show", it's sad to say, I'd be sorely lacking in the news department. Thanks for filling the niche that was sorely needed to inform the youth of America. So come on in: Jon Stewart, Samantha Bee, Jason Jones, John Oliver, Aasif Mandvi, Wyatt Cenac, and everyone else behind the scenes who makes this show what it is!

ZOMGitsCriss - Ok, so you're name is Cristina, you're from Romania, and you seem to like to make videos (both music and debating religion) on YouTube. You're fairly attractive, but the club refuses to expound any further considering we can't verify your age. You might like to know we booted Kirk Cameron out of line earlier tonight thanks to his video (linked above) about "The Origin of Species". Your video response was fantastic. As I watched Kirk's video, pretty much every misinterpretation and outright lie that I caught him saying, you found them as well and commented on them accordingly. You did a helluva job putting a washed up holy-roller in his place. We'll have to put a black "X" on your hand unless you have a passport or some sort of ID to confirm your age. We DO run an upstanding establishment here, socome on in and have a Red Bull or something. Welcome to America!

The Guest List for the Weekend of 18-September-2009

2009-09-18T07:10:00.006-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Tila Tequila - Tila, listen. In cases of domestic violence, yeah, we usually have to side with the girl. guys are typically bigger and more aggressive, etc., but in this case, I really think you are just looking for attention. From what we know, it looks like Shawne was trying to protect you. "Allergic to alcohol" doesn't work. In all your webcam shows that you share with your "peeps", you "drop clips" of your new singles, you rant incoherently, and you wax poetic about how drunk and/or high you are. You twitter your entire life like a fool. When you put your life on the internet, you cannot delete it, and by that, you become a witness against yourself. You are a massive attention-whore are simply, pretty damn useless. I believe Shawne was protecting you and since he's, what, 10-times your pygmy size, you felt that you could wail away on him. Since he doesn't want to go to jail, he probably had to restrain you. This all makes sense. You have a documented online history of being a straight-up crazy fuck,so we kindly request that you get out of line. You are SO much more trouble than you're worth.

Ramadan Police - Seriously, what the fuck is up with you guys. Are you so cranky and jealous that you aren't allowed to eat, drink, and be merry in the name of your god, that you are going to take it out on the general populous, who MAY not be as strict as you are? I mean, from this article, it looks like you were arresting people who were just buying drinks to break the fast at sunset, they weren't even ingesting anything. You kids are damn lucky you wouldn't try such a thing on me. I mean, i don't flaunt eating or drinking in front of those who are fasting, but if they see it, so be it, it's not my problem. Ramadan is tough enough for those who have to fast during while the sun is up, I understand this, but you fuckjobs making forcing it down the throats of your citizens, that's just fucking magnoon (crazy)! Since you are such a good little Muslim, you shouldn't even be in line for a bar, so why don't you get outta here before Allah strikes you down.

Kanye West - Kanye, Kanye, Kanye... Where to start with you, buddy? I pretty much despise you. I know that sounds harsh, but well, it is, and I'm OK with that. Sadly, you do have SOME talent at making catchy tunes that get stuck in my head, and that would be way cool if you weren't so bat-shit fucking crazy! Drinking Henny on the red carpet (aren't there open container or public intox laws in NYC)? Your first single to really catch on, Through the Wire, was all about you whining about getting a broken jaw in a car accident. boo-fucking-hoo! You're dating and alien, and you think the entire world is against black people. Granted race-relations aren't perfect, but you're in the wrong decade for the type of racism you are describing. Getting on stage and interrupting an award winner so you can get in Beyonce's pants, ain't gonna work. Jay-Z will "Holla!" ya back to next year. You're just kind of a dope, and i hope you spend a REALLY long time out of the limelight, shitehead! You're not a philosopher, you're not a messiah, you're a decent hip-hop artist with a mild-to-moderate psychiatric disorder and a big chip on your shoulder. Take your drama elsewhere.

Arab Pedophiles - I don't care what you say, it's history, it's culture, it's commerce, fucking 11 and 12 year olds is pedophilia, and you deserve to be ass-raped by a camel. The girls probably have only started their periods, lots of shit is going on in their bodies, they are still kids for shit's sake, and you go and shag them, knock them up, and in this case kill them. You should be charged with murder, buried to your neck in sand, and your face covered in honey. There is NO excuse for this type of behavior and Yemen (and any other backwards ass countries) need to get OFF their asses and stop this shite RIGHT NOW! That poor girl may not have had a great future ahead of her (i mean, look at what was happening in the first place), but it would've been life with ups & downs, joys & disappointments, memories, but because you get your rocks off by defiling kids, she's dead. You'd better fucking go, because you got my Irish up, and you might not survive the night, yourself, if you stay here!

U.S. Movie Distributors - PUSSIES! That's pretty much all i can say, is that you are a bunch of pussies! Religion can be a touchy subject. You don't want to step on the toes of Christians with a Jewish movie, or Muslims with a Christian movie, or Scientologists with ANY movie that makes sense. So, why then, will no one pick up Creation, the story of Charles Darwin, for distribution on the U.S.? Does the Catholic church own the movies too? Are they a silent backer who occasionally twists your nuts whenever a movie that includes the documentation of the scientific method in logging the changes of species in relation to their location pops up? This is science! This is education via entertainment! This isn't a story about a burning bush, or a gore-fest with a crucified Jim Caviezel, or some other potential distorted or possibly completely made up religious story, this is real, verifiable, repeatable stuff, and SOMEHOW, that makes it "too controversial" to distribute. So, fuckwads... pull your heads out of your asses, catch up with pretty much the entire rest of the world, and SOMEONE pick up this film in the U.S. so we don't like complete jackholes. Go... now... go home and pick up the phone. Call someone. I'm not joking, NOW!

President Barack Obama - President Obama, it is an honor to have you at our club. You are doing the best you can with the shitty situation that was left you. People have short memories, and it's something you have to deal with. The economy, Iraq, health care... of course, these are all your fault, everything under GW was peachy... that's the flaw of the human condition. Some of us are lucky enough to have decent enough memories (or at least know how to work the interwebs) to know that you basically inherited all the shit that is on your plate right now. It's a helluva a challenge, and you are doing as good as job as one could under the conditions. Plus, you are down to earth without looking like a moron (like an unnamed previous two-term presidency thief). I particularly like the linked clip where you call Kanye (whom we denied entry this week) a "jackass". Short, concise, to the point, and more appropriately, accurate. Keep doing what you're doing. The world is run on momentum; you've stopped the downward momentum, there is a zero movement position, the on to the upswing. And... this is just great! Come on in, sir!

Jennifer Connelly - I don't want to sound rude, but I,'m sure it will, and I apologize but HOLY GOOD GODDAMN, YOU'RE FINE! Jennifer, it's going to be great having you in the club. I've loved you(r work) since Labyrinth, you had several Oscar-worthy scenes in Career Opportunities, you were fantastic in A Beautiful Mind... well, I could go on forever, but I won't. These latest pics of you are spectacular. You are a confident, smart, talented woman, and the club is excited to have you past the velvet rope this week. Please come on in, you'll definitely add come class to the place (and we might even be able to find a quarter-operated horse ride for old times' sake)

The Guest List for the Weekend of 11-September-2009

2009-09-11T06:20:00.006-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Ayatollah Mohammad Taqi Mesbah-Yazdi - What in the holy fuckbawlz is wrong with you? Were you molested as a child? What happened to you that was so fucked up that you strove to a position where you support rape as a justifiable means to a confession? What's even funnier is that you are promoting sodomy as well. You SAY it's not sodomy because it's "not consensual", but you don't get to make up definitions, buddy. "Sodomy" is defined from numerous sources as "intercourse via the anus, committed by a man with a man or woman". Nowhere in there does it say "consensual". Awesome, I'm glad to see Islam is coming around to accepting homosexuality, it's just too bad it's in such a bad light, but at least you are providing them jobs. It's a start, douchebag. Who the fuck are you to say that it's allowed as long as the interrogator "a ritual washing first and say prayers while raping the prisoner. If the prisoner is female, it is permissible to rape through the vagina or anus. It is better not to have a witness present. If it is a male prisoner, then it's acceptable for someone else to watch while the rape is committed." What kind of shit is that? You better leave, nutjob! We have Alan Turing inside, and I'm guessing he wouldn't mind giving you a taste of your own medicine.

LeGarrette Blount - Takes a big man to sucker punch someone, doesn't it? You need to go back on your meds, buddy-boy. You were roughing up your own players even before Byron Hout came up to you. How long have you been playing football? Taunting is part of the game, you gotta roll with it. Your little temper tantrum is the exact opposite of what you should've done, and I'm sure immediately after the punch, you knew you fucked up, but that's how it goes. As far as know until now, time is one directional, and you fucked up. There's no going back. You're lucky to still be on scholarship as far as I'm concerned. Get the fuck outta line, and you might want to back away... I think we have some Boise State fans in line that might want some retribution.

Miyuki Hatoyama - Is there something in the water in Japan that makes you guys just majorly batshit loony? It used to be German porn was the weird shit, but Japan has taking the cake in the past few years with tentacle rape, bukkaki, eyeball licking, emetophilia, coprophilia... and the list goes on. Now, we find out that the incumbent Prime Minister is married to you, a certifiable lunatic. In short, you "eat the sun" every morning, you've been to Venus in the 70's (LSD anyone?), and you knew Tom Cruise, who was Japanese at the time, in a previous life. OK, umm... really, I don't know what to say, I'm speechless and you need electroshock therapy. Until then, we just kicked LeGarrette Blount out, and he probably has some anti-psychotic drugs with him, so go try to catch him before you hurt yourself.

Joe Wilson - Joe! WTF is up with South Carolina nowadays. That state is just falling in the shite, and you're the latest turd. You do understand that was NOT a town hall the other night? According to your position, you are supposed to listen to the President's speech, take from it what you will, and deal with that later. This isn't the House of Commons or whatever they have in the UK where everyone "Yea"s and "Nay"s. Also, you especially retarded being completely wrong in front of the President and all your peers. FactCheck.org (go ahead an bookmark it, Joe) does all the handiwork for you. Check your facts, THEN make an ass out of yourself. You are far more credible that way. What I really liked, though, was your apology video. You apologize for you emotions getting the better of you, then ask for money to fight the good fight against illegals getting health care... A POINT THAT WAS ALREADY DEBUNKED, FUCKWAD! it's not going to happen. You're just spewing more GOP fear-mongering propaganda to get a few bucks from the skeered white folks. YOU LIE!!! now get the fuck!

JONAH - Coincidentally, I met you fucktards from an ad on the ove article about Ayatollah Crazy, whom I kicked out earlier. As you know, since you are part of the bigoted, close-minded group, JONAH stands for Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality. WHAT... THE... FUCK?! Alternatives? I know that Judaism, at least your sect of it is stuck in possibly PRE-stone age times, but we're pretty sure this isn't a choice. You don't choose your eye color, you don't choose your height, and you don't choose your sexuality. Now there might be a nature/nuture aspect to it, as there is to a lot of human personality traits, but nature seems to be pretty strong on this one. Technically, I could choose to go out and have a homosexual encounter, but that isn't homosexuality (in the sense of desire, etc). And just because you make acronyms for the affected (SSA stands for an unwanted same-sex attraction) doesn't make it a diagnosis or something. Psychologically, it looks important, but that's all it is... psychological propaganda for the small-minded. Just let people be. I mean, we know why you are doing it. If your congregation is gay ,they can't procreate, and in a few generations (I'm counting adoption), you mightn't have a congragation at all; and that would be SOOOOO sad! The same goes for Catholics disregarding condoms. If you can't convert them, breed them. JONAH, we don't like your kind around here, and by "your kind", we don't mean Jews, we mean close-minded assholes who can't see past their indoctrination to see people for who they really are. Out of line, and out of the gene pool, please!

Al Franken - Al, I have to say, all I really knew about you was that you were a comic on SNL for a few years. I didn't really care for many of your characters, but you were funny enough that I could pick you out of a lineup if I had to. I was surprised when I heard you were running for Senate, but it was refreshing. I think you are cut out for politics. The way you handled this group was fantastic. There was no yelling, intelligent points were made, it was a civilized debate. Fallacies were corrected, and shortcomings were noted. That is the way to achieve an understanding, a compromise. You're a pretty smart dude, and I think you found your calling. And if that fails, you can always do a road tour drawing maps of the USofA. Man, that just rocks! Come on in and educate the people.

Lubna al-Hussein - Lubna, it's a great thing you are doing, fighting for principal. The "morality police" arrested you for wearing pants that were "too tight" and a top that was "too sheer". Are these quantifiable measurements here? More than likely not, because if there were, the morality police would be out of a job. I'm guessing the morality police are just a roving band of perverts who claim they are just "doing their job". It's sad that you have to go a month in jail over a $200 fine, but that's better than the 40 lashes that you were originally supposed to receive. You resigned as a UN journalist to waive your immunity so you could face trial. That takes bigger bawlz than I have, but then again, I've never been oppressed in such a manner. We are truly proud to have you in the club (once you get out of jail), and don't worry... the morality police ain't got nothing on our elite force of tactically-trained bouncers. we are VERY concerned about the privacy of our clientele, so what happens in PTVR, stays in PTVR.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 4-September-2009

2009-09-03T03:29:00.007-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: All names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Rex Rammell - Who the fuck are you again? Some nobody Republican that no one's really heard about or cared about before until you made a "joke" about hunting the President? Yeah, that's what I thought. Joke or not, your party is hurting. That mean you need to be on your best behavior. You need to do your best "human" impression and not be dragged into stupid-ass statements by your own kind. Congratulations, you got your name in the funny pages, but you won't get your ass through this door.

Carrie Prejean - Carrie, it always hurts me to reject hotties, but sadly, most hotties are completely full of themselves and more trouble than they are worth. You do epitomize this so well with the bonus of falling back on religion in hard times. You and Rex should go have a party. You didn't deserve the 15 minutes of fame you had. You intentionally hid the fact that you had pictures taken that were "inappropriate" according to the Miss USA laws. Then, you explained them away as being taken without your authorization when you weren't paying attention... if you relax in poses like that, don't worry, you'll have a great career in porn. I understand you aren't the brightest bulb in the lamp, but the question/answer period is probably the closest you'll ever get to a real interview (that doesn't involve a couch). That means you need to research the people who are interviewing you. Perez Hilton, besides be a douche himself, is a gay celeb gossip blogger. You should've expected from him something related to gay rights, and something that might create gossip. If you wanted to win, you should've "lied" and gone middle-of-the-road, "all people are equal", etc. You screwed up. Your stupidity doesn't warrant a lawsuit. You should've known better. You've been competing on this and related circuits since AT LEAST 2007; though I haven't, I'm guessing they just get cattier, bitchier, and pettier, the further along you progress. Bigotry isn't pretty, no matter who designed the bikini your wearing it with. Good night!

Michelle Bachmann - You are a winner. Like, really, a winner. I like the way you are trying to inspire your compatriots to defeat the health care bill. Whether it be hyperbole or metaphor, you "people" love taking what the Republicans are saying at face value. They take the talking points and run with them without any actual research. So, "prayer and fasting"... please! Prayer gets nothing done, and fasting makes you weak. And slitting your wrists be become blood brothers? Go for it, and at the same time that you are too exhausted to get the phone from lack of food and blood loss, you can pray that God will stop the bleeding just long enough to see the bill defeated. You should be careful, you might actually be thinning your own herd. To the Sin Bin with you!

Dick Cheney - Scary guy make mean faces at the crowd, get outta... wait a minute, is that former VP and GW-puppeteer Dick Cheney? Why yes it is! Dick, what's with you getting all freaked out about Obama ordering preliminary investigations into CIA abuse? Guilty conscience there, buddy? Maybe some people you haven't had the chance to knock off yet to clear your name? Some loose ends? Politics is OK when it protects you, but when it turns around and bites you in the non-existent WMDs... then it's not fair, wah wah wah! Obama is doing his best to clean up the shit-storm you and GW left behind, but no, no, what you did wasn't political maneuvering, it was, what? necessary? constitution-shredding? my sandbox is bigger than your sandbox pomposity? Old man, you need to disappear like GW did. Just go off radar, find a cabin or an assisted-living community, and wait for the government to come throw your ass in the slammer for the shit you put our country through. You should probably go now. I'm low on patience tonight, and I'm sure we could fab up a water-board easily enough.

The Duggars - (Click on that pic, it's worth it)
THE DUGGARS ARE HERE! THE DUGGARS ARE HERE!!!! CLOSE THE DOORS! EMERGENCY AUTHORIZATION: VICTOR ALPHA GOLF!!!

Um... I'm sorry Duggars', but we can't let you in due to fire code regulations. Your family alone would probably put us over since we can't be sure that you won't "go forth & multiply" once inside. Mr. Duggar, could you step over here.

Dude, WTF?! have you ever heard of "hotdog down a hallway"? That's just in relation to girls who get around. Your wife has popped out more babies than most people have had partners. Like, can you even feel it? And what's with the "J" names. It was probably cute at first, but it gets old after the first 9-10 kids. do something original (besides providing the entire population of Arkansas yourself). Here's one of those polyurethane "like skin" condoms, try it out, i doubt she'll notice the difference.

Duggars! I'm sorry, but it's back on the bus with you, the police heard there is a mob forming, and we don't want a misunderstanding.

JerseyQuaker - WE are PTVR have hired on a new guest bouncer, JerseyQuaker. When the fulltime bouncers are busy, he'll be taking over the front door. At other times, he'll be keeping the riff-raff from sneaking into the club via the back door. Welcome to JerseyQuaker, don't let us down. Now come on in, and I'll give you a tour of the place.

Alan Turing - Yes, yes, another GhostGuest, but they keep the party jumping when the club is closed. Alan, what was done to you is a crime against the humanity you saved. A mathematical genius, an excellent code breaker, and a homosexual. That last part isn't relevant at all in relation to your contribution in breaking the Enigma code in WWII with your Bombe device, but the UK government didn't see it that way. To avoid a "custodial sentence", we was chemically castrated with estrogen and, two years later at age 41, he committed suicide by ingesting cyanide. It's sad to lose someone so intelligent who could have done so much more due to bigotry and small-mindedness. Alan, I'm sorry this had to happen to you, but thanks for what you accomplished in your shirt time here. I ask anyone who is moved by this story, sign this petition asking the UK government to grant Alan Turing posthumous knighthood (after you sign, they ask for a donation, but you can close the screen if you don't want to donate). I'm #9743 on page 195 if you are interested. So, Alan, welcome in. Feel free to leave any really awesome mathematical theories around that we could use to pay some bills, or just encrypt our wi-fi router, it seems a bit slow lately.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 28-August-2009

2009-08-28T08:00:00.009-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Hurricane Wave Watchers - I know this may sound callous, but after reading this article, i find this a case of natural selection. It's not an perfect example, in the case of the young girl, since I'm guessing it wasn't her decision to go watch the waves. Blaming Hurricane Bill for these deaths is pointing the finger in the wrong direction. If a hurricane comes ashore and the people can't get out in time and get killed then... ok, blame the hurricane; but making the decision to go the beach to watch the waves is intentionally putting yourself at risk. It's not the hurricanes fault, it's your own poor risk assessment and decision making.

Bill O'Reilly - Bill, keep to what you are good at... inciting conservatives to hole up and protect themselves, no matter what damage that will do to their fellow Americans. In this clip, you tried your best imitate Jon Stewart in trying to clear your name with humor. You failed miserably. Plus, your rebuttals didn't even support your case. Yeah, you showed lengthened versions of the clips that Stewart showed, but nothing in the longer clips rebutted what Stewart said. Even in the correct context, Stewart's points were still valid. Come on, man, try a bit harder next time. Go home and think about what you did.

Betsy McCaughey - Betsy, now why did you take the opportunity to have Jon Stewart interview you? Have you watched "The Daily Show" before? Bring your binder to the interview, you looked like the kid in the 3rd grade who has to do a book report with a prop from the book. You tried to look prepared but then hadnt marked the places in the bill that you wanted to highlight. Poor planning there, m'lady. You did your best to try to sell your point to the audience rather than Jon, orating, if you will, to the camera rather than continuing in the debate with Stewart that you were losing. Still, TDS audience is fairly intelligent, maybe more so than you originally thought, and your grandstanding lack of preparation didn't really ingratiate yourself to them. It's too bad you made a bit of a fool of yourself with Stewart showing how you were twisting the words in the bill to your benefit. While you retool your talking points, i recommend every one else in line who didn't see the interview, take 23 minutes and check it out at the link. back of the line with ya!

Rush Limbaugh - I really wish you'd done something with more vitriol for your inaugural rejection, but this will have to do. I'm sure you'll do better in the future, as you have in the past. Patting yourself on the back for predicting the death of a seriously ill man isn't really praise-worthy. It seems like you just missed having your name in the headlines for a few weeks, so you jumped on whatever bandwagon you could to incense the media. We get it, your have an inferiority complex (and drug addiction issues, possible eating disorder, hyperhydrosis, etc.). You don't have to be mean to get attention. You can ask for a hug if you need that physical contact with REAL people. I'm guessing you were bullied as a child, and I'm sorry, really, but you don't have to be an ass to make up for it. Try to be a little nicer, and we might try to think about letting you in some other time. Now run along, I think i saw an Oxy script in the alley out back.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - How the hell did you get into the U.S., and what are you doing trying to get into a club? It's Ramadan, buddy. We don't really have the type of fare inside that you can use to break your fast. By the way, what's up with you wanting to prosecute opposition leaders in your country? This isn't really a good PR move for ya. You're acting like a spoiled kid, and telling your mommy on the kids that picked on you (don't talk to Rush, he's crazy). Oppressing the opposition will only strengthen their resolve (as long as you don't have crazy underground mofo's giving them cuban neckties). This puts further doubts in the collective world-mind to the authenticity of your election results. You need to take a break, relax, the world isn't out to hurt you, we just don't want crazy people to have nukes. It's ok to be crazy, it's interesting at times, just not near big bombs. Go home, and DON'T ask Allah what you should do. Get a second opinion.

Ted Kennedy - Ted, congratulations on being PTVR's first GhostGuest. I don't know much about you, I never really followed your work, but I have it on good authority that you were a fairly decent guy. It's sad to see you go before this health care bill was sorted, but hopefully your name will live on further once it is sorted. Welcome in, but don't spook the other guests.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 21-August-2009

2009-08-21T03:35:00.002-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Due to unforeseen circumstances (lack of internet connection), the club had to close a bit early this week, so we weren't able to reject as many people as our exclusive club is wont to do. here's to next week.

Glenn Beck (starting at 00:40) - You're back? AGAIN!? Come on, didn't you get enough abuse over losing your sponsors? This week, we saw JUST how much of a sellout punk you are. Since April, you've been ranting and raving about how America has the best health care in the world. I'm guessing these thoughts are bought-and-paid-for by your employer, FOX News. in January of '08, you were then employed by CNN and decided to do an exposé on the health care system from the perspective of your own hemorrhoid surgery. In that piece, you tell about how your surgery went "horribly awry", and how "getting well in this country, could actually... kill you". Just because you have the big foam #1 finger and wear all your favorite team's apparel, sadly, doesn't make your favorite team the #1 team. We AREN'T, in fact, the best health care in the world. According to the World Health Organization's 2000 study (they haven't done it again due to complexity... also, since we haven't had health care reform since then, I doubt the numbers have changed much, if at all, for the better), we come in around 37th place in quality of health care (with most of sometimes-socialized Europe ahead of us). Another fact that you might NOT find so surprising, is that we rank #1 in cost of health care among industrialized nations (#2 among all nations). You, sir, again prove that you are an idiot with no spine and, more than likely, no original thoughts of your own. Why don't you go over next to that dumpster and take a look at this and this, and then, MAYBE, if you apologize nicely, we might let you in in about a year or so. if you try to get in again without apologizing, i foresee another visit to the "excellent" health care system you (now) love so much.

Pamela Pilger - You are a perfect definition of the word, "douchebag". A Jewish man speaks his peace about health care, not pro- or anti-Obama but health care, and you can think of nothing more intelligent to rebut him besides "Heil Hitler!". Really?! You don't have any better ammo than a WWII pro-hate invective that symbolizes the ethnic cleansing of millions of Jews that has absolutely ZERO to do with the topic? It really helps if you know what you are talking about before you publicly make an ass out of yourself. With camera phones being as prevalent as they are nowadays, we all need to think before we speak or act, maybe a little more than we did before, because it will undoubtedly end up on youtube. You should step out of line (since you already WERE out of line) before we have to drag you down the street by your "Israeli Defense Forces" t-shirt. Seriously, WTF?!

Christian Rossiter - Buddy, I'm proud of you for fighting for control of the one thing that is truly ours... life. I'm a proponent for assisted suicide/euthanasia. if counseling can't change your mind, and you are in pain, terminal, or in your case, trapped in your own body... I say, all the power to you. I wish you the best, and despite the starving thing, I read you are allowing liquid to take pain meds, so why don't you have a beer on the house.

Barney Frank - Barney... You'z one crazy muthafucka. Really! I've been called an asshole a time or two, but I try to shoot straight from the hip as often as I can. That speech impediment of your makes me want to chuckle sometimes, but luckily, you seem smart enough to overcome sounding like the comedic relief for a two-bit comedy/western. I do like you, I like what you say, and I like how you say it (you know what I mean). You put this woman in her place. Democrats fighting for health care reform are trying to be the bigger person, but sometimes that just doesn't work on people whose brains never progressed beyond Freud's anal stage. Yelling over each other isn't working, rationalization isn't working, but apparently "fear-mongering" on the part of the Republicans is. Instead of making a personal attack, you pointed out a lack of, at best, understanding, and at worst, intelligence/education. If that's what it comes to, I think you are the guy to do it, and I'm sure you'll be panned for being "rude", but come on... what other choice do you have when the people are being flash-mob rude themselves. So Barney, I say, "Good on ya". Now, come on in. I got a table waiting for ya.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 14-August-2009

2009-08-14T07:11:00.002-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

William Kostric - Mr. Crazypants, yes, we understand, you are legally allowed to carry a gun in New Hampshire. Nevertheless, the Secret Service's job is to protect the President from all the Mr. Crazypantses out there, and openly carrying a gun while holding a sign that paraphrases the Thomas Jefferson quote, "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time, with the blood of patriots and tyrants". Whether you believe the POTUS is a patriot OR a tyrant, this could EASILY be seen as a thinly veiled threat that was lit up in neon lights by the firearm on your thigh. You were trying to make a statement about our rights being taken away, but if anything, most of those rights were already taken away by GW. Phone-tapping, pretty much anything in the Patriot Act, imprisonment without representation or a fair and speedy trial... since none of these heave to deal with BOOMsticks, you didn't even notice those freedoms disappearing. The already lost freedoms you didn't notice slip out of your "cold, dead hands" tangentially (I know, it's a big word, here's an aspirin) gives the government the right to violate your gun freedoms if they wanted (though they didn't). Your fukked, buddy. You should've been paying attention to the big picture, not just your "survivalist" rights. In short, mosey on home and get a good night's sleep curled up with your 9mm (and don't use the phone... THEY'RE listening).

Ann Coulter - OH Ann, oh Ann, oh Ann... you are you're biggest fan (hold the applause). I wonder what type of person you were in high school. Did you have friends? Is this character a sort of backlash because evwybody was mean to poow wittle Annie when you were but a wee lass? For a seemingly smart person, I'd assume, instead of taking the intelligent path and distancing yourself from the Pailin comment as much as possible, you tried to turn the tables and put "Zeke" on your own personal "death panel". They don't exist, they'll never exist. As much as I dislike you, I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you make it pretty tough. Be smart, research, inform. Now, keep in mind (and apparently this is tough lately for the Republicans), informing ISN'T propagandizing. Scaring little old men and women into think they are going to be Soylent Green with this new health care proposal is NOT informing. Actually, it's a pretty mean thing to do to granny. That's the granny who changed your diapers and kissed you boo-boos and told you there was no boogeyman under your bed. Sadly, that little girl grew up to be the boogeyman on "The Sean Hannity show". I'd tell you to go give your granny a hug and say you're sorry, but it just might scare her to death to see you coming up the walk. So, just... just... just scram! You're scaring the neighbors

That guy quoted as saying "Keep your Goddamn government hands off of my Medicare!" - Apparently, you took GW's "weapons of mass destruction" course, wherein, whatever you believe is true because you said it, so it must be. if you don't know that your Medicare is government run, and then argue about it, you should be ineligible due to the pre-existing condition that you, strangely enough, are physically lacking a brain. I didn't realize the economy was so bad, that the Jerry Springer guests were taking walk-on roles at town halls. So, buddy, why don't you back away from the door, go back to your group home, and have some Jell-O?

The Kardashians - I'm sorry ladies, but this club doesn't acknowledge being famous for being famous. The only reason people even known the Kardashian name is because Kim went and got herself "caught" on a sex-tape with a virtual nobody, Ray-J. That sex-tape certainly helped Kim more than it helped Ray-J. Never before has a groupie been elevated to such heights. Even worse, your sisters (I'm sure if they had actual resumés, all of them would have "aspiring model and/or actress" on there) are now famous... just for having a sister with questionable morals and an exhibitionist streak. I shouldn't ever have had to know that Kourtney is pregnant. Her name should have never been known to 99% of America, so ladies, I'm not sorry, but you'll have to go tramp up some other celebutante lair.

Michael Vick - Mikie, I try to separate what you did from what you do, but in this case, fukk that! You, inmate, are a dick. you let your fame and fortune go to your head and, I suppose, wanted to be a "thug", so you setup an illegal dog-fighting ring. Normally, I'd let you in on your athletic merit, because that's what you DO, but we have some dogs around back that we treat really nicely, and they don't like the smell of you for what you DID. Inmate, if I were you, I'd start high-steppin' down the road, pronto.

GEICO - Thanks for standing up against Mr. Beck. He was in tears last week when our bouncers told him he wasn't allowed in the club. It was a miserable thing to see. It's good to see you pulling your ads from his show, considering the nonsensical things that come out of his mouth. We certainly hope he takes your rejection better than he took ours.

Keith Olbermann - I'm glad to see you found your niche. I knew you from SportsCenter when I was in high school and college, and I liked your delivery and punchlines. Still, you are far better suited to political commentary. Your pieces are well-written, you're an eloquent speaker, and your allusions are poignant and well thought-out. So, Keith, come on in, have a beer on me.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 7-August-2009

2009-08-07T12:05:00.005-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: all thumbnails are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Glenn Beck - when you call someone a racist (in the sense of a half-black man being racist against white people) and then in the same interview, almost the same breath, say "I'm not saying he doesn't like white people"... seriously, what is going on that head of yours? is there actual cognition or is it just rapid reflex synapses firing whatever pops onto your tongue? go faux-cry in the back alley, maybe you'll make a friend.

Orly Taitz - this may sound a bit racist (and it's not), but to hear someone with such a thick accent and high-pitched squeal try to fight on the wrong side of citizenship is almost aneurysm-inducing. and to op it off, she's a "lawyer", realtor, and dentist (WTF?!). ever hear of "jack of all trades, master of none"? unde este common sense? (romanian for "where's the common sense?)

Lady Gaga - - every time i see her, i want to claw my eyes out. if she stayed in the studio that she records her music in for life, then i could tolerate her, but she has such an inferiority complex that she'll be a flash in the pan, that she has to dress like this... and the LATEST... she just might be a hermaphrodite.

Pat Buchanan - you haven't seen a white man so "scared" of black people since the 50's. i'm pretty sure it is impossible to be "oppressed" when you are the majority, and even if you aren't the majority, if you have all the power. congress is 83% male, 85% caucasian, and 99% christian/protestant. the SCOTUS has been 97.3% male, 97.3% white, and 82% christian/protestant.the POTUS has been 98.6% caucasian (given he's half-black), 100% male, and seemingly 100% christian/protestant. this is pretty much the entire U.S. government. there's no way in hell you can feel prejudiced against as a white, god-believing male. person-to-person cases, OK, but as the collective you claim... get the fukk out of line!

T-Pain, Akon, Kanye... anyone using Auto-Tune AS music - you can't sing. just live with it. over-using auto-tune isn't creative, it's the musical equivalent of coming out of the closet. AND it's hip-hop. you don't sing in hip-hop anyways. you have a producer come up with a catchy beat, sample another FAR more famous and talented artist, and then you talk over it in various loosely-based rhymes. take your crunk and go home.

The "Auto-Tune the News" Crew - this is one instance when Auto-Tune is ok. why, you ask? because they are taking the piss. they are taking current events and making a good joke out of them. and who knew katie co was such a good Auto-Tune singer. go on in.... SHORTAAAY!

The Guest List for the Weekend of 30-June-2009

2009-06-30T10:36:00.004-04:00

Kim Jong-Il - ok little man, we are being NICE by not completely removing your tiny little country from even existing in the history books. start playing nice!

Mark Sanford - did you SERIOUSLY think you were going to be able to pull of an international booty call trip?

Bernie Madoff - 150 years?! you got off lucky for robbing honest americans of their hard earned money. have fun running your handjob ponzi scheme in the clink (courtesy of john oliver of the daily show)

Good Ol' GW - does this really require any sort of clarification? from failing to see the economic meltdown on the horizon while lining his and his friends' pockets to the unnecessary war in iraq. FAIL!

Paris Hilton - why is she still allowed to breathe my air again?

slyght - come on, this club was my IDEA. you gotta let me in my own club! hah

Chump - it's his club too, we get all-access VIP star trek transporter-like privileges up in this bitch!