The Guest List for the Weekend of 4-September-2009

(DISCLAIMER: All names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Rex Rammell - Who the fuck are you again? Some nobody Republican that no one's really heard about or cared about before until you made a "joke" about hunting the President? Yeah, that's what I thought. Joke or not, your party is hurting. That mean you need to be on your best behavior. You need to do your best "human" impression and not be dragged into stupid-ass statements by your own kind. Congratulations, you got your name in the funny pages, but you won't get your ass through this door.

Carrie Prejean - Carrie, it always hurts me to reject hotties, but sadly, most hotties are completely full of themselves and more trouble than they are worth. You do epitomize this so well with the bonus of falling back on religion in hard times. You and Rex should go have a party. You didn't deserve the 15 minutes of fame you had. You intentionally hid the fact that you had pictures taken that were "inappropriate" according to the Miss USA laws. Then, you explained them away as being taken without your authorization when you weren't paying attention... if you relax in poses like that, don't worry, you'll have a great career in porn. I understand you aren't the brightest bulb in the lamp, but the question/answer period is probably the closest you'll ever get to a real interview (that doesn't involve a couch). That means you need to research the people who are interviewing you. Perez Hilton, besides be a douche himself, is a gay celeb gossip blogger. You should've expected from him something related to gay rights, and something that might create gossip. If you wanted to win, you should've "lied" and gone middle-of-the-road, "all people are equal", etc. You screwed up. Your stupidity doesn't warrant a lawsuit. You should've known better. You've been competing on this and related circuits since AT LEAST 2007; though I haven't, I'm guessing they just get cattier, bitchier, and pettier, the further along you progress. Bigotry isn't pretty, no matter who designed the bikini your wearing it with. Good night!

Michelle Bachmann - You are a winner. Like, really, a winner. I like the way you are trying to inspire your compatriots to defeat the health care bill. Whether it be hyperbole or metaphor, you "people" love taking what the Republicans are saying at face value. They take the talking points and run with them without any actual research. So, "prayer and fasting"... please! Prayer gets nothing done, and fasting makes you weak. And slitting your wrists be become blood brothers? Go for it, and at the same time that you are too exhausted to get the phone from lack of food and blood loss, you can pray that God will stop the bleeding just long enough to see the bill defeated. You should be careful, you might actually be thinning your own herd. To the Sin Bin with you!

Dick Cheney - Scary guy make mean faces at the crowd, get outta... wait a minute, is that former VP and GW-puppeteer Dick Cheney? Why yes it is! Dick, what's with you getting all freaked out about Obama ordering preliminary investigations into CIA abuse? Guilty conscience there, buddy? Maybe some people you haven't had the chance to knock off yet to clear your name? Some loose ends? Politics is OK when it protects you, but when it turns around and bites you in the non-existent WMDs... then it's not fair, wah wah wah! Obama is doing his best to clean up the shit-storm you and GW left behind, but no, no, what you did wasn't political maneuvering, it was, what? necessary? constitution-shredding? my sandbox is bigger than your sandbox pomposity? Old man, you need to disappear like GW did. Just go off radar, find a cabin or an assisted-living community, and wait for the government to come throw your ass in the slammer for the shit you put our country through. You should probably go now. I'm low on patience tonight, and I'm sure we could fab up a water-board easily enough.

The Duggars - (Click on that pic, it's worth it)
THE DUGGARS ARE HERE! THE DUGGARS ARE HERE!!!! CLOSE THE DOORS! EMERGENCY AUTHORIZATION: VICTOR ALPHA GOLF!!!

Um... I'm sorry Duggars', but we can't let you in due to fire code regulations. Your family alone would probably put us over since we can't be sure that you won't "go forth & multiply" once inside. Mr. Duggar, could you step over here.

Dude, WTF?! have you ever heard of "hotdog down a hallway"? That's just in relation to girls who get around. Your wife has popped out more babies than most people have had partners. Like, can you even feel it? And what's with the "J" names. It was probably cute at first, but it gets old after the first 9-10 kids. do something original (besides providing the entire population of Arkansas yourself). Here's one of those polyurethane "like skin" condoms, try it out, i doubt she'll notice the difference.

Duggars! I'm sorry, but it's back on the bus with you, the police heard there is a mob forming, and we don't want a misunderstanding.

JerseyQuaker - WE are PTVR have hired on a new guest bouncer, JerseyQuaker. When the fulltime bouncers are busy, he'll be taking over the front door. At other times, he'll be keeping the riff-raff from sneaking into the club via the back door. Welcome to JerseyQuaker, don't let us down. Now come on in, and I'll give you a tour of the place.

Alan Turing - Yes, yes, another GhostGuest, but they keep the party jumping when the club is closed. Alan, what was done to you is a crime against the humanity you saved. A mathematical genius, an excellent code breaker, and a homosexual. That last part isn't relevant at all in relation to your contribution in breaking the Enigma code in WWII with your Bombe device, but the UK government didn't see it that way. To avoid a "custodial sentence", we was chemically castrated with estrogen and, two years later at age 41, he committed suicide by ingesting cyanide. It's sad to lose someone so intelligent who could have done so much more due to bigotry and small-mindedness. Alan, I'm sorry this had to happen to you, but thanks for what you accomplished in your shirt time here. I ask anyone who is moved by this story, sign this petition asking the UK government to grant Alan Turing posthumous knighthood (after you sign, they ask for a donation, but you can close the screen if you don't want to donate). I'm #9743 on page 195 if you are interested. So, Alan, welcome in. Feel free to leave any really awesome mathematical theories around that we could use to pay some bills, or just encrypt our wi-fi router, it seems a bit slow lately.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 28-August-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Hurricane Wave Watchers - I know this may sound callous, but after reading this article, i find this a case of natural selection. It's not an perfect example, in the case of the young girl, since I'm guessing it wasn't her decision to go watch the waves. Blaming Hurricane Bill for these deaths is pointing the finger in the wrong direction. If a hurricane comes ashore and the people can't get out in time and get killed then... ok, blame the hurricane; but making the decision to go the beach to watch the waves is intentionally putting yourself at risk. It's not the hurricanes fault, it's your own poor risk assessment and decision making.

Bill O'Reilly - Bill, keep to what you are good at... inciting conservatives to hole up and protect themselves, no matter what damage that will do to their fellow Americans. In this clip, you tried your best imitate Jon Stewart in trying to clear your name with humor. You failed miserably. Plus, your rebuttals didn't even support your case. Yeah, you showed lengthened versions of the clips that Stewart showed, but nothing in the longer clips rebutted what Stewart said. Even in the correct context, Stewart's points were still valid. Come on, man, try a bit harder next time. Go home and think about what you did.

Betsy McCaughey - Betsy, now why did you take the opportunity to have Jon Stewart interview you? Have you watched "The Daily Show" before? Bring your binder to the interview, you looked like the kid in the 3rd grade who has to do a book report with a prop from the book. You tried to look prepared but then hadnt marked the places in the bill that you wanted to highlight. Poor planning there, m'lady. You did your best to try to sell your point to the audience rather than Jon, orating, if you will, to the camera rather than continuing in the debate with Stewart that you were losing. Still, TDS audience is fairly intelligent, maybe more so than you originally thought, and your grandstanding lack of preparation didn't really ingratiate yourself to them. It's too bad you made a bit of a fool of yourself with Stewart showing how you were twisting the words in the bill to your benefit. While you retool your talking points, i recommend every one else in line who didn't see the interview, take 23 minutes and check it out at the link. back of the line with ya!

Rush Limbaugh - I really wish you'd done something with more vitriol for your inaugural rejection, but this will have to do. I'm sure you'll do better in the future, as you have in the past. Patting yourself on the back for predicting the death of a seriously ill man isn't really praise-worthy. It seems like you just missed having your name in the headlines for a few weeks, so you jumped on whatever bandwagon you could to incense the media. We get it, your have an inferiority complex (and drug addiction issues, possible eating disorder, hyperhydrosis, etc.). You don't have to be mean to get attention. You can ask for a hug if you need that physical contact with REAL people. I'm guessing you were bullied as a child, and I'm sorry, really, but you don't have to be an ass to make up for it. Try to be a little nicer, and we might try to think about letting you in some other time. Now run along, I think i saw an Oxy script in the alley out back.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - How the hell did you get into the U.S., and what are you doing trying to get into a club? It's Ramadan, buddy. We don't really have the type of fare inside that you can use to break your fast. By the way, what's up with you wanting to prosecute opposition leaders in your country? This isn't really a good PR move for ya. You're acting like a spoiled kid, and telling your mommy on the kids that picked on you (don't talk to Rush, he's crazy). Oppressing the opposition will only strengthen their resolve (as long as you don't have crazy underground mofo's giving them cuban neckties). This puts further doubts in the collective world-mind to the authenticity of your election results. You need to take a break, relax, the world isn't out to hurt you, we just don't want crazy people to have nukes. It's ok to be crazy, it's interesting at times, just not near big bombs. Go home, and DON'T ask Allah what you should do. Get a second opinion.

Ted Kennedy - Ted, congratulations on being PTVR's first GhostGuest. I don't know much about you, I never really followed your work, but I have it on good authority that you were a fairly decent guy. It's sad to see you go before this health care bill was sorted, but hopefully your name will live on further once it is sorted. Welcome in, but don't spook the other guests.