The Guest List for the Weekend of 02-April-2010

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Jesse James - Jesse, seriously what the fuck is wrong with you? First, you married a porn star. That's awesome in its own right, but it comes with some issues, particularly if you aren't in the biz as well. Apparently, she beat the ever-living shit out of you a few times. It's tough to tell if she was just always crazy and waited until you were married to let loose, or if she caught you cheating as well (if you were a porn star, it might've been different). Then, you go and marry America's sweetheart, Sandra Bullock. We "try" not to stereotype here, but it does happen on occasion. How the fuck did you pull that? You are a greasy hair motor monkey who shares a famous name and was lucky enough to convince someone to fund your stupid-ass creations on "Monster Garage". Sandra, on the other hand, is a sweet, hot (did you see the washcloth scene in "The Proposal"?), Oscar-winning actress. I mean, you got to see the washcloth scene in real life every night. What's the deal? Was it the challenge of bagging the Prom Queen? It seems you would fit better with Michelle or Brigette, so why Sandra? Man, you just suck. More than likely, you've scarred her so that she'll never trust a man ever again, even a nice guy like me. Thanks for the help, dickwad. Please step out of line and go somewhere else to do your gutter-trawling.

Brigitte Daguerre - Brigette, what are you doing here? Did you come with your "mistake", because we just booted him a minute ago. The thing we find funny is you were quoted as saying "All this attention is what I really don't like." First, no one uses the passive voice, brush up on your English. Second, from what we can tell, it seems like you stepped forward to tell your story; thus, you brought this on yourself and you MUST like the attention. Also, how did you not know he was married? I thought pretty much everyone in America knew about it for the sheer oddity of such different people hooking up. There's also Wikipedia, Google, etc. Really, that is no excuse. You just wanted to bang a pseudo-celebrity. By the way, despite you not wanting to be called a "mistress" because neither of you were in love, the definition is "A woman who has an ongoing extramarital sexual relationship with a man"... Nope, love is not a pre-requisite for mistresshood. So, get on your way. You just standing here is dumbing down the clientele.

Ricky Martin - Seriously, it took you this long to come out? You had to write your memoirs to get the nerve to confirm what everyone suspected/knew since your first single? You were in Menudo for Christ's sake. It seems we were more tolerant of you being gay than you were at the time. So, Ricky, we're gonna ask you to go home; not because you are gay, but because we knew before you did. Love yourself, man... love yourself.

RNC Hypocrites - This is just great. I was hoping to kick Michael Steele out again, but it seems there is proof that he wasn't there, just some of his colleagues. It's things like this that make me wonder how staunch Republicans can be so staunch. The same Republicans that are pro-family, pro-wholesome, and anti-gay are following a party that includes (at least) one closeted self-hating gay man and RNC people spending government money to watch women dyke it out. Don't get me wrong, a softcore S&M club sounds cool to me, but use your own money like everyone else. Oh, and Mike, get "The Jeffersons" theme out of your head, and stay at a Holiday Inn once in a while.

The Vatican - OK, Pope Palpatine, we get it. You used to be a Nazi, you might be Emperor of the Galaxy, and you aid/abet/cover up gay pedophile priests. THEN you have the shriveled up balls to chastise NYT for calling you out. That's their job. The Catholic church has been morally bankrupt and strangely powerful for far too long. Sure, there are some good grapes in the bunch, but do they make the headlines? Nope, but that's how news works. Get over it. Castrate and defrock anyone found to have diddled little kids. They don't need their junk anyways. Stand up and do something about this, or let all your secrets be spilled onto the front pages of the newspapers (well, at least while they are around). Vaticanites... you can kindly fuck right the hell off!

President Barack Obama - Barack, man, it's good to see you man up. The Dems have been a bit lackluster what with having one for as President and majorities in both the House and the Senate. Bipartisanship is a noble and worthwhile goal, but when it butts up against blind obstructionism... you need to say "We tried... Fuck it, we'll fix it without ya." That's kinda what you said in this speech, and it was awesome. You let it be known that you were frustrated with their "Do as I say, not as we did" attitude, and that despite what they might think, the bill passed, and we need to get behind it. They've certainly done the same on far more sinister issues in the past. A little humor helps. Sarcasm is a scathing mirror. It's awesome to finally see you flip them the proverbial bird, because it was necessary. You let them know that YOU are the President, and you are doing what you see fit for the country (and what most polls say the country wants as well). We'd like to welcome you to the club again and thanks for all you've done. Here's to a second term and doing what's right.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 18-September-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Tila Tequila - Tila, listen. In cases of domestic violence, yeah, we usually have to side with the girl. guys are typically bigger and more aggressive, etc., but in this case, I really think you are just looking for attention. From what we know, it looks like Shawne was trying to protect you. "Allergic to alcohol" doesn't work. In all your webcam shows that you share with your "peeps", you "drop clips" of your new singles, you rant incoherently, and you wax poetic about how drunk and/or high you are. You twitter your entire life like a fool. When you put your life on the internet, you cannot delete it, and by that, you become a witness against yourself. You are a massive attention-whore are simply, pretty damn useless. I believe Shawne was protecting you and since he's, what, 10-times your pygmy size, you felt that you could wail away on him. Since he doesn't want to go to jail, he probably had to restrain you. This all makes sense. You have a documented online history of being a straight-up crazy fuck,so we kindly request that you get out of line. You are SO much more trouble than you're worth.

Ramadan Police - Seriously, what the fuck is up with you guys. Are you so cranky and jealous that you aren't allowed to eat, drink, and be merry in the name of your god, that you are going to take it out on the general populous, who MAY not be as strict as you are? I mean, from this article, it looks like you were arresting people who were just buying drinks to break the fast at sunset, they weren't even ingesting anything. You kids are damn lucky you wouldn't try such a thing on me. I mean, i don't flaunt eating or drinking in front of those who are fasting, but if they see it, so be it, it's not my problem. Ramadan is tough enough for those who have to fast during while the sun is up, I understand this, but you fuckjobs making forcing it down the throats of your citizens, that's just fucking magnoon (crazy)! Since you are such a good little Muslim, you shouldn't even be in line for a bar, so why don't you get outta here before Allah strikes you down.

Kanye West - Kanye, Kanye, Kanye... Where to start with you, buddy? I pretty much despise you. I know that sounds harsh, but well, it is, and I'm OK with that. Sadly, you do have SOME talent at making catchy tunes that get stuck in my head, and that would be way cool if you weren't so bat-shit fucking crazy! Drinking Henny on the red carpet (aren't there open container or public intox laws in NYC)? Your first single to really catch on, Through the Wire, was all about you whining about getting a broken jaw in a car accident. boo-fucking-hoo! You're dating and alien, and you think the entire world is against black people. Granted race-relations aren't perfect, but you're in the wrong decade for the type of racism you are describing. Getting on stage and interrupting an award winner so you can get in Beyonce's pants, ain't gonna work. Jay-Z will "Holla!" ya back to next year. You're just kind of a dope, and i hope you spend a REALLY long time out of the limelight, shitehead! You're not a philosopher, you're not a messiah, you're a decent hip-hop artist with a mild-to-moderate psychiatric disorder and a big chip on your shoulder. Take your drama elsewhere.

Arab Pedophiles - I don't care what you say, it's history, it's culture, it's commerce, fucking 11 and 12 year olds is pedophilia, and you deserve to be ass-raped by a camel. The girls probably have only started their periods, lots of shit is going on in their bodies, they are still kids for shit's sake, and you go and shag them, knock them up, and in this case kill them. You should be charged with murder, buried to your neck in sand, and your face covered in honey. There is NO excuse for this type of behavior and Yemen (and any other backwards ass countries) need to get OFF their asses and stop this shite RIGHT NOW! That poor girl may not have had a great future ahead of her (i mean, look at what was happening in the first place), but it would've been life with ups & downs, joys & disappointments, memories, but because you get your rocks off by defiling kids, she's dead. You'd better fucking go, because you got my Irish up, and you might not survive the night, yourself, if you stay here!

U.S. Movie Distributors - PUSSIES! That's pretty much all i can say, is that you are a bunch of pussies! Religion can be a touchy subject. You don't want to step on the toes of Christians with a Jewish movie, or Muslims with a Christian movie, or Scientologists with ANY movie that makes sense. So, why then, will no one pick up Creation, the story of Charles Darwin, for distribution on the U.S.? Does the Catholic church own the movies too? Are they a silent backer who occasionally twists your nuts whenever a movie that includes the documentation of the scientific method in logging the changes of species in relation to their location pops up? This is science! This is education via entertainment! This isn't a story about a burning bush, or a gore-fest with a crucified Jim Caviezel, or some other potential distorted or possibly completely made up religious story, this is real, verifiable, repeatable stuff, and SOMEHOW, that makes it "too controversial" to distribute. So, fuckwads... pull your heads out of your asses, catch up with pretty much the entire rest of the world, and SOMEONE pick up this film in the U.S. so we don't like complete jackholes. Go... now... go home and pick up the phone. Call someone. I'm not joking, NOW!

President Barack Obama - President Obama, it is an honor to have you at our club. You are doing the best you can with the shitty situation that was left you. People have short memories, and it's something you have to deal with. The economy, Iraq, health care... of course, these are all your fault, everything under GW was peachy... that's the flaw of the human condition. Some of us are lucky enough to have decent enough memories (or at least know how to work the interwebs) to know that you basically inherited all the shit that is on your plate right now. It's a helluva a challenge, and you are doing as good as job as one could under the conditions. Plus, you are down to earth without looking like a moron (like an unnamed previous two-term presidency thief). I particularly like the linked clip where you call Kanye (whom we denied entry this week) a "jackass". Short, concise, to the point, and more appropriately, accurate. Keep doing what you're doing. The world is run on momentum; you've stopped the downward momentum, there is a zero movement position, the on to the upswing. And... this is just great! Come on in, sir!

Jennifer Connelly - I don't want to sound rude, but I,'m sure it will, and I apologize but HOLY GOOD GODDAMN, YOU'RE FINE! Jennifer, it's going to be great having you in the club. I've loved you(r work) since Labyrinth, you had several Oscar-worthy scenes in Career Opportunities, you were fantastic in A Beautiful Mind... well, I could go on forever, but I won't. These latest pics of you are spectacular. You are a confident, smart, talented woman, and the club is excited to have you past the velvet rope this week. Please come on in, you'll definitely add come class to the place (and we might even be able to find a quarter-operated horse ride for old times' sake)