Well, it was a slow week at the club being that Eid Al-Fitr was this week and summer's recently ended. Still, we found some interesting people in line, trying to make their way in. Take a look at who made the cut.
Kirk Cameron - Kirk, what happened to you? You went from Tiger Beat heartthrob in the 80's to complete religious nut in the new millennium. Is it because Leonardo DiCaprio went from an end-of-the-show storyline twist in "Growing Pains" to starring in major blockbusters like "Titanic" and going on to later bang super-hottie, Gisele Bündchen? I mean, if it is, I understand, I'd be jealous too, but then just try to make a GOOD movie. Take some acting classes. Don't fall back on religiously back suckfest movies such as the "Left Behind" series, and "Fireproof", the Christian version of "Backdraft". Here's a tip... Ray Comfort is a religious whackjob and is no good for anybody, particularly, washed-up 80's teen heartthrobs. The really funny thing is this latest stunt you and he and your "flock" are pulling as to wanting a fair & balanced (my emphasis) version of "The Origin of Species" handed out to college students. It's funny because you are taking the atheist/agnostic view, changing a few words and making it your own. Tell me if this sounds familiar, "They are indoctrinating our youth with a one-sided story. Their story is biased and quite possibly a hoax. We just want the chance to give the people a chance to hear both sides and make an educated, informed decision." Does that sound familiar? It should, because this is what you are saying now, despite this being what atheists/agnostics have said for years about the church. You see with religion, this IS indoctrination, because kids are rarely, if ever, asked by their parents, "Would you like to go to church with us this Sunday to learn about God/Jesus/Jehovah/Xenu?". It doesn't happen that way. They are dragged to Sunday School them to the service where you give them Cap'N Crunch to keep them quiet during the sermon, then they go home. The problem you have now is that students "are entering college with a belief in God and exiting with that faith being stripped and shredded." Do you know why it's being stripped? It's because of that "other side of the story" that you want to teach them about... it's being taught to them, and they are making an educated, informed decision. You can't claim to want YOUR chance, when you've already had it all this time. Kirk, I feel bad for ya, son, I got 99 problems, but your God ain't one. Why don't you go home, practice the rhythm method, and pop out Cameron #7?
Rick Sanchez - SuperDouche, what's up man? I really don't have a plethora of reasons why you aren't going to be let in this evening. I'll be honest. I just don't think you are a very good journalist. Sensationalist, at best, but you aren't even that sensational. So, who are you fucking at CNN to keep your job, or maybe, what do you have on someone that you can blackmail them into letting you keep your fantasy of being an authentic TV journalist? I mean, even your mom thinks your a bit of a retard. Your latest stunt in trying to escape from a submerged car didn't really give me the warm-and-fuzzies either. I mean, the Mythbusters (at 2:45) did this years ago, and did it in far more detail. Plus, they proved that you CAN escape through the door if you understand just a WEE bit about physics (that's science stuff, Rick). If you actually take your time, be patient, and let the car fill up, the pressure will equalize, and you can slide out like a graceful merman, which is far cooler than you scrambling all-pussified for the rescue breather when your SHOULDERS get wet. If you are going to be a sensationalist journalist, at least bring some flare, some bawlz, some... something. Go home and give David Blaine a call, maybe he can give you another idea you can wuss out on.
Congressman Steve King (R) - Since I'm not big into politics, I'm going to label you "Nobody-Politician-Who-No-One Really-Cared-About-Before #4". I'm sure there are a few (in Iowa) because you were elected, but other than that, I'm guessing you aren't very stellar. I've not seen any headlines about any progressive or trail-blazing legislation you've put forward. As a matter of fact, it seems you've done just the opposite claiming that same-sex marriage is tantamount to socialism? I believe your argument is along the lines of: We have it, they want it, and if we give it to them then we are all equal, and that's socialism; wah, wah, wah, I'm taking my ball and going home!" Correct me if I'm wrong, please. Which of your adviser lackeys gave you the idea to mashup same-sex marriage with one of the latest political buzzwords, "socialism", with the incorrect connotation of it being a bad thing (even your constituents aren't with you)? This is a dangerous course of action and a slippery slope. I mean, is that your argument for water-boarding? if we gave air to EVERYONE, well, where would be be then? Total chaos and orgies in the streets, right? Damn gays, just wanting to be equal, get benefits, get married, not bother anyone... OBVIOUSLY troublemakers, right? You are a major ass, Fuckwad King, and I certainly hope that someone straight-bashes you as you step out of line.
"The Daily Show" - Wow, there's a lot of you, ut the more the merrier. Congratulations to "The Daily Show" crew for the two Emmy wins last week. "The Daily Show" is unique in that it brings the news to the younger generation who might not be into watching the old-school format of "The CBS Evening News with Katie Couric". The news is brought to the public through a group of sardonic "senior" reporters that create humorous yet informative reports. The core is using humor and wry wit to tell a story or interview a person and call out an obvious flaw in logic to see how the situation is dealt with. Without "The Daily Show", it's sad to say, I'd be sorely lacking in the news department. Thanks for filling the niche that was sorely needed to inform the youth of America. So come on in: Jon Stewart, Samantha Bee, Jason Jones, John Oliver, Aasif Mandvi, Wyatt Cenac, and everyone else behind the scenes who makes this show what it is!
ZOMGitsCriss - Ok, so you're name is Cristina, you're from Romania, and you seem to like to make videos (both music and debating religion) on YouTube. You're fairly attractive, but the club refuses to expound any further considering we can't verify your age. You might like to know we booted Kirk Cameron out of line earlier tonight thanks to his video (linked above) about "The Origin of Species". Your video response was fantastic. As I watched Kirk's video, pretty much every misinterpretation and outright lie that I caught him saying, you found them as well and commented on them accordingly. You did a helluva job putting a washed up holy-roller in his place. We'll have to put a black "X" on your hand unless you have a passport or some sort of ID to confirm your age. We DO run an upstanding establishment here, socome on in and have a Red Bull or something. Welcome to America!