Friday, September 25, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 25-September-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Well, it was a slow week at the club being that Eid Al-Fitr was this week and summer's recently ended. Still, we found some interesting people in line, trying to make their way in. Take a look at who made the cut.

Kirk Cameron - Kirk, what happened to you? You went from Tiger Beat heartthrob in the 80's to complete religious nut in the new millennium. Is it because Leonardo DiCaprio went from an end-of-the-show storyline twist in "Growing Pains" to starring in major blockbusters like "Titanic" and going on to later bang super-hottie, Gisele B√ľndchen? I mean, if it is, I understand, I'd be jealous too, but then just try to make a GOOD movie. Take some acting classes. Don't fall back on religiously back suckfest movies such as the "Left Behind" series, and "Fireproof", the Christian version of "Backdraft". Here's a tip... Ray Comfort is a religious whackjob and is no good for anybody, particularly, washed-up 80's teen heartthrobs. The really funny thing is this latest stunt you and he and your "flock" are pulling as to wanting a fair & balanced (my emphasis) version of "The Origin of Species" handed out to college students. It's funny because you are taking the atheist/agnostic view, changing a few words and making it your own. Tell me if this sounds familiar, "They are indoctrinating our youth with a one-sided story. Their story is biased and quite possibly a hoax. We just want the chance to give the people a chance to hear both sides and make an educated, informed decision." Does that sound familiar? It should, because this is what you are saying now, despite this being what atheists/agnostics have said for years about the church. You see with religion, this IS indoctrination, because kids are rarely, if ever, asked by their parents, "Would you like to go to church with us this Sunday to learn about God/Jesus/Jehovah/Xenu?". It doesn't happen that way. They are dragged to Sunday School them to the service where you give them Cap'N Crunch to keep them quiet during the sermon, then they go home. The problem you have now is that students "are entering college with a belief in God and exiting with that faith being stripped and shredded." Do you know why it's being stripped? It's because of that "other side of the story" that you want to teach them about... it's being taught to them, and they are making an educated, informed decision. You can't claim to want YOUR chance, when you've already had it all this time. Kirk, I feel bad for ya, son, I got 99 problems, but your God ain't one. Why don't you go home, practice the rhythm method, and pop out Cameron #7?

Rick Sanchez - SuperDouche, what's up man? I really don't have a plethora of reasons why you aren't going to be let in this evening. I'll be honest. I just don't think you are a very good journalist. Sensationalist, at best, but you aren't even that sensational. So, who are you fucking at CNN to keep your job, or maybe, what do you have on someone that you can blackmail them into letting you keep your fantasy of being an authentic TV journalist? I mean, even your mom thinks your a bit of a retard. Your latest stunt in trying to escape from a submerged car didn't really give me the warm-and-fuzzies either. I mean, the Mythbusters (at 2:45) did this years ago, and did it in far more detail. Plus, they proved that you CAN escape through the door if you understand just a WEE bit about physics (that's science stuff, Rick). If you actually take your time, be patient, and let the car fill up, the pressure will equalize, and you can slide out like a graceful merman, which is far cooler than you scrambling all-pussified for the rescue breather when your SHOULDERS get wet. If you are going to be a sensationalist journalist, at least bring some flare, some bawlz, some... something. Go home and give David Blaine a call, maybe he can give you another idea you can wuss out on.

Congressman Steve King (R) - Since I'm not big into politics, I'm going to label you "Nobody-Politician-Who-No-One Really-Cared-About-Before #4". I'm sure there are a few (in Iowa) because you were elected, but other than that, I'm guessing you aren't very stellar. I've not seen any headlines about any progressive or trail-blazing legislation you've put forward. As a matter of fact, it seems you've done just the opposite claiming that same-sex marriage is tantamount to socialism? I believe your argument is along the lines of: We have it, they want it, and if we give it to them then we are all equal, and that's socialism; wah, wah, wah, I'm taking my ball and going home!" Correct me if I'm wrong, please. Which of your adviser lackeys gave you the idea to mashup same-sex marriage with one of the latest political buzzwords, "socialism", with the incorrect connotation of it being a bad thing (even your constituents aren't with you)? This is a dangerous course of action and a slippery slope. I mean, is that your argument for water-boarding? if we gave air to EVERYONE, well, where would be be then? Total chaos and orgies in the streets, right? Damn gays, just wanting to be equal, get benefits, get married, not bother anyone... OBVIOUSLY troublemakers, right? You are a major ass, Fuckwad King, and I certainly hope that someone straight-bashes you as you step out of line.

"The Daily Show" - Wow, there's a lot of you, ut the more the merrier. Congratulations to "The Daily Show" crew for the two Emmy wins last week. "The Daily Show" is unique in that it brings the news to the younger generation who might not be into watching the old-school format of "The CBS Evening News with Katie Couric". The news is brought to the public through a group of sardonic "senior" reporters that create humorous yet informative reports. The core is using humor and wry wit to tell a story or interview a person and call out an obvious flaw in logic to see how the situation is dealt with. Without "The Daily Show", it's sad to say, I'd be sorely lacking in the news department. Thanks for filling the niche that was sorely needed to inform the youth of America. So come on in: Jon Stewart, Samantha Bee, Jason Jones, John Oliver, Aasif Mandvi, Wyatt Cenac, and everyone else behind the scenes who makes this show what it is!

ZOMGitsCriss - Ok, so you're name is Cristina, you're from Romania, and you seem to like to make videos (both music and debating religion) on YouTube. You're fairly attractive, but the club refuses to expound any further considering we can't verify your age. You might like to know we booted Kirk Cameron out of line earlier tonight thanks to his video (linked above) about "The Origin of Species". Your video response was fantastic. As I watched Kirk's video, pretty much every misinterpretation and outright lie that I caught him saying, you found them as well and commented on them accordingly. You did a helluva job putting a washed up holy-roller in his place. We'll have to put a black "X" on your hand unless you have a passport or some sort of ID to confirm your age. We DO run an upstanding establishment here, socome on in and have a Red Bull or something. Welcome to America!

Friday, September 18, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 18-September-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Tila Tequila - Tila, listen. In cases of domestic violence, yeah, we usually have to side with the girl. guys are typically bigger and more aggressive, etc., but in this case, I really think you are just looking for attention. From what we know, it looks like Shawne was trying to protect you. "Allergic to alcohol" doesn't work. In all your webcam shows that you share with your "peeps", you "drop clips" of your new singles, you rant incoherently, and you wax poetic about how drunk and/or high you are. You twitter your entire life like a fool. When you put your life on the internet, you cannot delete it, and by that, you become a witness against yourself. You are a massive attention-whore are simply, pretty damn useless. I believe Shawne was protecting you and since he's, what, 10-times your pygmy size, you felt that you could wail away on him. Since he doesn't want to go to jail, he probably had to restrain you. This all makes sense. You have a documented online history of being a straight-up crazy fuck,so we kindly request that you get out of line. You are SO much more trouble than you're worth.

Ramadan Police - Seriously, what the fuck is up with you guys. Are you so cranky and jealous that you aren't allowed to eat, drink, and be merry in the name of your god, that you are going to take it out on the general populous, who MAY not be as strict as you are? I mean, from this article, it looks like you were arresting people who were just buying drinks to break the fast at sunset, they weren't even ingesting anything. You kids are damn lucky you wouldn't try such a thing on me. I mean, i don't flaunt eating or drinking in front of those who are fasting, but if they see it, so be it, it's not my problem. Ramadan is tough enough for those who have to fast during while the sun is up, I understand this, but you fuckjobs making forcing it down the throats of your citizens, that's just fucking magnoon (crazy)! Since you are such a good little Muslim, you shouldn't even be in line for a bar, so why don't you get outta here before Allah strikes you down.

Kanye West - Kanye, Kanye, Kanye... Where to start with you, buddy? I pretty much despise you. I know that sounds harsh, but well, it is, and I'm OK with that. Sadly, you do have SOME talent at making catchy tunes that get stuck in my head, and that would be way cool if you weren't so bat-shit fucking crazy! Drinking Henny on the red carpet (aren't there open container or public intox laws in NYC)? Your first single to really catch on, Through the Wire, was all about you whining about getting a broken jaw in a car accident. boo-fucking-hoo! You're dating and alien, and you think the entire world is against black people. Granted race-relations aren't perfect, but you're in the wrong decade for the type of racism you are describing. Getting on stage and interrupting an award winner so you can get in Beyonce's pants, ain't gonna work. Jay-Z will "Holla!" ya back to next year. You're just kind of a dope, and i hope you spend a REALLY long time out of the limelight, shitehead! You're not a philosopher, you're not a messiah, you're a decent hip-hop artist with a mild-to-moderate psychiatric disorder and a big chip on your shoulder. Take your drama elsewhere.

Arab Pedophiles - I don't care what you say, it's history, it's culture, it's commerce, fucking 11 and 12 year olds is pedophilia, and you deserve to be ass-raped by a camel. The girls probably have only started their periods, lots of shit is going on in their bodies, they are still kids for shit's sake, and you go and shag them, knock them up, and in this case kill them. You should be charged with murder, buried to your neck in sand, and your face covered in honey. There is NO excuse for this type of behavior and Yemen (and any other backwards ass countries) need to get OFF their asses and stop this shite RIGHT NOW! That poor girl may not have had a great future ahead of her (i mean, look at what was happening in the first place), but it would've been life with ups & downs, joys & disappointments, memories, but because you get your rocks off by defiling kids, she's dead. You'd better fucking go, because you got my Irish up, and you might not survive the night, yourself, if you stay here!

U.S. Movie Distributors - PUSSIES! That's pretty much all i can say, is that you are a bunch of pussies! Religion can be a touchy subject. You don't want to step on the toes of Christians with a Jewish movie, or Muslims with a Christian movie, or Scientologists with ANY movie that makes sense. So, why then, will no one pick up Creation, the story of Charles Darwin, for distribution on the U.S.? Does the Catholic church own the movies too? Are they a silent backer who occasionally twists your nuts whenever a movie that includes the documentation of the scientific method in logging the changes of species in relation to their location pops up? This is science! This is education via entertainment! This isn't a story about a burning bush, or a gore-fest with a crucified Jim Caviezel, or some other potential distorted or possibly completely made up religious story, this is real, verifiable, repeatable stuff, and SOMEHOW, that makes it "too controversial" to distribute. So, fuckwads... pull your heads out of your asses, catch up with pretty much the entire rest of the world, and SOMEONE pick up this film in the U.S. so we don't like complete jackholes. Go... now... go home and pick up the phone. Call someone. I'm not joking, NOW!

President Barack Obama - President Obama, it is an honor to have you at our club. You are doing the best you can with the shitty situation that was left you. People have short memories, and it's something you have to deal with. The economy, Iraq, health care... of course, these are all your fault, everything under GW was peachy... that's the flaw of the human condition. Some of us are lucky enough to have decent enough memories (or at least know how to work the interwebs) to know that you basically inherited all the shit that is on your plate right now. It's a helluva a challenge, and you are doing as good as job as one could under the conditions. Plus, you are down to earth without looking like a moron (like an unnamed previous two-term presidency thief). I particularly like the linked clip where you call Kanye (whom we denied entry this week) a "jackass". Short, concise, to the point, and more appropriately, accurate. Keep doing what you're doing. The world is run on momentum; you've stopped the downward momentum, there is a zero movement position, the on to the upswing. And... this is just great! Come on in, sir!

Jennifer Connelly - I don't want to sound rude, but I,'m sure it will, and I apologize but HOLY GOOD GODDAMN, YOU'RE FINE! Jennifer, it's going to be great having you in the club. I've loved you(r work) since Labyrinth, you had several Oscar-worthy scenes in Career Opportunities, you were fantastic in A Beautiful Mind... well, I could go on forever, but I won't. These latest pics of you are spectacular. You are a confident, smart, talented woman, and the club is excited to have you past the velvet rope this week. Please come on in, you'll definitely add come class to the place (and we might even be able to find a quarter-operated horse ride for old times' sake)

Friday, September 11, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 11-September-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Ayatollah Mohammad Taqi Mesbah-Yazdi - What in the holy fuckbawlz is wrong with you? Were you molested as a child? What happened to you that was so fucked up that you strove to a position where you support rape as a justifiable means to a confession? What's even funnier is that you are promoting sodomy as well. You SAY it's not sodomy because it's "not consensual", but you don't get to make up definitions, buddy. "Sodomy" is defined from numerous sources as "intercourse via the anus, committed by a man with a man or woman". Nowhere in there does it say "consensual". Awesome, I'm glad to see Islam is coming around to accepting homosexuality, it's just too bad it's in such a bad light, but at least you are providing them jobs. It's a start, douchebag. Who the fuck are you to say that it's allowed as long as the interrogator "a ritual washing first and say prayers while raping the prisoner. If the prisoner is female, it is permissible to rape through the vagina or anus. It is better not to have a witness present. If it is a male prisoner, then it's acceptable for someone else to watch while the rape is committed." What kind of shit is that? You better leave, nutjob! We have Alan Turing inside, and I'm guessing he wouldn't mind giving you a taste of your own medicine.

LeGarrette Blount - Takes a big man to sucker punch someone, doesn't it? You need to go back on your meds, buddy-boy. You were roughing up your own players even before Byron Hout came up to you. How long have you been playing football? Taunting is part of the game, you gotta roll with it. Your little temper tantrum is the exact opposite of what you should've done, and I'm sure immediately after the punch, you knew you fucked up, but that's how it goes. As far as know until now, time is one directional, and you fucked up. There's no going back. You're lucky to still be on scholarship as far as I'm concerned. Get the fuck outta line, and you might want to back away... I think we have some Boise State fans in line that might want some retribution.

Miyuki Hatoyama - Is there something in the water in Japan that makes you guys just majorly batshit loony? It used to be German porn was the weird shit, but Japan has taking the cake in the past few years with tentacle rape, bukkaki, eyeball licking, emetophilia, coprophilia... and the list goes on. Now, we find out that the incumbent Prime Minister is married to you, a certifiable lunatic. In short, you "eat the sun" every morning, you've been to Venus in the 70's (LSD anyone?), and you knew Tom Cruise, who was Japanese at the time, in a previous life. OK, umm... really, I don't know what to say, I'm speechless and you need electroshock therapy. Until then, we just kicked LeGarrette Blount out, and he probably has some anti-psychotic drugs with him, so go try to catch him before you hurt yourself.

Joe Wilson - Joe! WTF is up with South Carolina nowadays. That state is just falling in the shite, and you're the latest turd. You do understand that was NOT a town hall the other night? According to your position, you are supposed to listen to the President's speech, take from it what you will, and deal with that later. This isn't the House of Commons or whatever they have in the UK where everyone "Yea"s and "Nay"s. Also, you especially retarded being completely wrong in front of the President and all your peers. (go ahead an bookmark it, Joe) does all the handiwork for you. Check your facts, THEN make an ass out of yourself. You are far more credible that way. What I really liked, though, was your apology video. You apologize for you emotions getting the better of you, then ask for money to fight the good fight against illegals getting health care... A POINT THAT WAS ALREADY DEBUNKED, FUCKWAD! it's not going to happen. You're just spewing more GOP fear-mongering propaganda to get a few bucks from the skeered white folks. YOU LIE!!! now get the fuck!

JONAH - Coincidentally, I met you fucktards from an ad on the ove article about Ayatollah Crazy, whom I kicked out earlier. As you know, since you are part of the bigoted, close-minded group, JONAH stands for Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality. WHAT... THE... FUCK?! Alternatives? I know that Judaism, at least your sect of it is stuck in possibly PRE-stone age times, but we're pretty sure this isn't a choice. You don't choose your eye color, you don't choose your height, and you don't choose your sexuality. Now there might be a nature/nuture aspect to it, as there is to a lot of human personality traits, but nature seems to be pretty strong on this one. Technically, I could choose to go out and have a homosexual encounter, but that isn't homosexuality (in the sense of desire, etc). And just because you make acronyms for the affected (SSA stands for an unwanted same-sex attraction) doesn't make it a diagnosis or something. Psychologically, it looks important, but that's all it is... psychological propaganda for the small-minded. Just let people be. I mean, we know why you are doing it. If your congregation is gay ,they can't procreate, and in a few generations (I'm counting adoption), you mightn't have a congragation at all; and that would be SOOOOO sad! The same goes for Catholics disregarding condoms. If you can't convert them, breed them. JONAH, we don't like your kind around here, and by "your kind", we don't mean Jews, we mean close-minded assholes who can't see past their indoctrination to see people for who they really are. Out of line, and out of the gene pool, please!

Al Franken - Al, I have to say, all I really knew about you was that you were a comic on SNL for a few years. I didn't really care for many of your characters, but you were funny enough that I could pick you out of a lineup if I had to. I was surprised when I heard you were running for Senate, but it was refreshing. I think you are cut out for politics. The way you handled this group was fantastic. There was no yelling, intelligent points were made, it was a civilized debate. Fallacies were corrected, and shortcomings were noted. That is the way to achieve an understanding, a compromise. You're a pretty smart dude, and I think you found your calling. And if that fails, you can always do a road tour drawing maps of the USofA. Man, that just rocks! Come on in and educate the people.

Lubna al-Hussein - Lubna, it's a great thing you are doing, fighting for principal. The "morality police" arrested you for wearing pants that were "too tight" and a top that was "too sheer". Are these quantifiable measurements here? More than likely not, because if there were, the morality police would be out of a job. I'm guessing the morality police are just a roving band of perverts who claim they are just "doing their job". It's sad that you have to go a month in jail over a $200 fine, but that's better than the 40 lashes that you were originally supposed to receive. You resigned as a UN journalist to waive your immunity so you could face trial. That takes bigger bawlz than I have, but then again, I've never been oppressed in such a manner. We are truly proud to have you in the club (once you get out of jail), and don't worry... the morality police ain't got nothing on our elite force of tactically-trained bouncers. we are VERY concerned about the privacy of our clientele, so what happens in PTVR, stays in PTVR.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 4-September-2009

(DISCLAIMER: All names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Rex Rammell - Who the fuck are you again? Some nobody Republican that no one's really heard about or cared about before until you made a "joke" about hunting the President? Yeah, that's what I thought. Joke or not, your party is hurting. That mean you need to be on your best behavior. You need to do your best "human" impression and not be dragged into stupid-ass statements by your own kind. Congratulations, you got your name in the funny pages, but you won't get your ass through this door.

Carrie Prejean - Carrie, it always hurts me to reject hotties, but sadly, most hotties are completely full of themselves and more trouble than they are worth. You do epitomize this so well with the bonus of falling back on religion in hard times. You and Rex should go have a party. You didn't deserve the 15 minutes of fame you had. You intentionally hid the fact that you had pictures taken that were "inappropriate" according to the Miss USA laws. Then, you explained them away as being taken without your authorization when you weren't paying attention... if you relax in poses like that, don't worry, you'll have a great career in porn. I understand you aren't the brightest bulb in the lamp, but the question/answer period is probably the closest you'll ever get to a real interview (that doesn't involve a couch). That means you need to research the people who are interviewing you. Perez Hilton, besides be a douche himself, is a gay celeb gossip blogger. You should've expected from him something related to gay rights, and something that might create gossip. If you wanted to win, you should've "lied" and gone middle-of-the-road, "all people are equal", etc. You screwed up. Your stupidity doesn't warrant a lawsuit. You should've known better. You've been competing on this and related circuits since AT LEAST 2007; though I haven't, I'm guessing they just get cattier, bitchier, and pettier, the further along you progress. Bigotry isn't pretty, no matter who designed the bikini your wearing it with. Good night!

Michelle Bachmann - You are a winner. Like, really, a winner. I like the way you are trying to inspire your compatriots to defeat the health care bill. Whether it be hyperbole or metaphor, you "people" love taking what the Republicans are saying at face value. They take the talking points and run with them without any actual research. So, "prayer and fasting"... please! Prayer gets nothing done, and fasting makes you weak. And slitting your wrists be become blood brothers? Go for it, and at the same time that you are too exhausted to get the phone from lack of food and blood loss, you can pray that God will stop the bleeding just long enough to see the bill defeated. You should be careful, you might actually be thinning your own herd. To the Sin Bin with you!

Dick Cheney - Scary guy make mean faces at the crowd, get outta... wait a minute, is that former VP and GW-puppeteer Dick Cheney? Why yes it is! Dick, what's with you getting all freaked out about Obama ordering preliminary investigations into CIA abuse? Guilty conscience there, buddy? Maybe some people you haven't had the chance to knock off yet to clear your name? Some loose ends? Politics is OK when it protects you, but when it turns around and bites you in the non-existent WMDs... then it's not fair, wah wah wah! Obama is doing his best to clean up the shit-storm you and GW left behind, but no, no, what you did wasn't political maneuvering, it was, what? necessary? constitution-shredding? my sandbox is bigger than your sandbox pomposity? Old man, you need to disappear like GW did. Just go off radar, find a cabin or an assisted-living community, and wait for the government to come throw your ass in the slammer for the shit you put our country through. You should probably go now. I'm low on patience tonight, and I'm sure we could fab up a water-board easily enough.

The Duggars - (Click on that pic, it's worth it)

Um... I'm sorry Duggars', but we can't let you in due to fire code regulations. Your family alone would probably put us over since we can't be sure that you won't "go forth & multiply" once inside. Mr. Duggar, could you step over here.

Dude, WTF?! have you ever heard of "hotdog down a hallway"? That's just in relation to girls who get around. Your wife has popped out more babies than most people have had partners. Like, can you even feel it? And what's with the "J" names. It was probably cute at first, but it gets old after the first 9-10 kids. do something original (besides providing the entire population of Arkansas yourself). Here's one of those polyurethane "like skin" condoms, try it out, i doubt she'll notice the difference.
Duggars! I'm sorry, but it's back on the bus with you, the police heard there is a mob forming, and we don't want a misunderstanding.

JerseyQuaker - WE are PTVR have hired on a new guest bouncer, JerseyQuaker. When the fulltime bouncers are busy, he'll be taking over the front door. At other times, he'll be keeping the riff-raff from sneaking into the club via the back door. Welcome to JerseyQuaker, don't let us down. Now come on in, and I'll give you a tour of the place.

Alan Turing - Yes, yes, another GhostGuest, but they keep the party jumping when the club is closed. Alan, what was done to you is a crime against the humanity you saved. A mathematical genius, an excellent code breaker, and a homosexual. That last part isn't relevant at all in relation to your contribution in breaking the Enigma code in WWII with your Bombe device, but the UK government didn't see it that way. To avoid a "custodial sentence", we was chemically castrated with estrogen and, two years later at age 41, he committed suicide by ingesting cyanide. It's sad to lose someone so intelligent who could have done so much more due to bigotry and small-mindedness. Alan, I'm sorry this had to happen to you, but thanks for what you accomplished in your shirt time here. I ask anyone who is moved by this story, sign this petition asking the UK government to grant Alan Turing posthumous knighthood (after you sign, they ask for a donation, but you can close the screen if you don't want to donate). I'm #9743 on page 195 if you are interested. So, Alan, welcome in. Feel free to leave any really awesome mathematical theories around that we could use to pay some bills, or just encrypt our wi-fi router, it seems a bit slow lately.