Friday, August 28, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 28-August-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Hurricane Wave Watchers - I know this may sound callous, but after reading this article, i find this a case of natural selection. It's not an perfect example, in the case of the young girl, since I'm guessing it wasn't her decision to go watch the waves. Blaming Hurricane Bill for these deaths is pointing the finger in the wrong direction. If a hurricane comes ashore and the people can't get out in time and get killed then... ok, blame the hurricane; but making the decision to go the beach to watch the waves is intentionally putting yourself at risk. It's not the hurricanes fault, it's your own poor risk assessment and decision making.

Bill O'Reilly - Bill, keep to what you are good at... inciting conservatives to hole up and protect themselves, no matter what damage that will do to their fellow Americans. In this clip, you tried your best imitate Jon Stewart in trying to clear your name with humor. You failed miserably. Plus, your rebuttals didn't even support your case. Yeah, you showed lengthened versions of the clips that Stewart showed, but nothing in the longer clips rebutted what Stewart said. Even in the correct context, Stewart's points were still valid. Come on, man, try a bit harder next time. Go home and think about what you did.

Betsy McCaughey - Betsy, now why did you take the opportunity to have Jon Stewart interview you? Have you watched "The Daily Show" before? Bring your binder to the interview, you looked like the kid in the 3rd grade who has to do a book report with a prop from the book. You tried to look prepared but then hadnt marked the places in the bill that you wanted to highlight. Poor planning there, m'lady. You did your best to try to sell your point to the audience rather than Jon, orating, if you will, to the camera rather than continuing in the debate with Stewart that you were losing. Still, TDS audience is fairly intelligent, maybe more so than you originally thought, and your grandstanding lack of preparation didn't really ingratiate yourself to them. It's too bad you made a bit of a fool of yourself with Stewart showing how you were twisting the words in the bill to your benefit. While you retool your talking points, i recommend every one else in line who didn't see the interview, take 23 minutes and check it out at the link. back of the line with ya!

Rush Limbaugh - I really wish you'd done something with more vitriol for your inaugural rejection, but this will have to do. I'm sure you'll do better in the future, as you have in the past. Patting yourself on the back for predicting the death of a seriously ill man isn't really praise-worthy. It seems like you just missed having your name in the headlines for a few weeks, so you jumped on whatever bandwagon you could to incense the media. We get it, your have an inferiority complex (and drug addiction issues, possible eating disorder, hyperhydrosis, etc.). You don't have to be mean to get attention. You can ask for a hug if you need that physical contact with REAL people. I'm guessing you were bullied as a child, and I'm sorry, really, but you don't have to be an ass to make up for it. Try to be a little nicer, and we might try to think about letting you in some other time. Now run along, I think i saw an Oxy script in the alley out back.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - How the hell did you get into the U.S., and what are you doing trying to get into a club? It's Ramadan, buddy. We don't really have the type of fare inside that you can use to break your fast. By the way, what's up with you wanting to prosecute opposition leaders in your country? This isn't really a good PR move for ya. You're acting like a spoiled kid, and telling your mommy on the kids that picked on you (don't talk to Rush, he's crazy). Oppressing the opposition will only strengthen their resolve (as long as you don't have crazy underground mofo's giving them cuban neckties). This puts further doubts in the collective world-mind to the authenticity of your election results. You need to take a break, relax, the world isn't out to hurt you, we just don't want crazy people to have nukes. It's ok to be crazy, it's interesting at times, just not near big bombs. Go home, and DON'T ask Allah what you should do. Get a second opinion.

Ted Kennedy - Ted, congratulations on being PTVR's first GhostGuest. I don't know much about you, I never really followed your work, but I have it on good authority that you were a fairly decent guy. It's sad to see you go before this health care bill was sorted, but hopefully your name will live on further once it is sorted. Welcome in, but don't spook the other guests.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 21-August-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Due to unforeseen circumstances (lack of internet connection), the club had to close a bit early this week, so we weren't able to reject as many people as our exclusive club is wont to do. here's to next week.

Glenn Beck (starting at 00:40) - You're back? AGAIN!? Come on, didn't you get enough abuse over losing your sponsors? This week, we saw JUST how much of a sellout punk you are. Since April, you've been ranting and raving about how America has the best health care in the world. I'm guessing these thoughts are bought-and-paid-for by your employer, FOX News. in January of '08, you were then employed by CNN and decided to do an exposé on the health care system from the perspective of your own hemorrhoid surgery. In that piece, you tell about how your surgery went "horribly awry", and how "getting well in this country, could actually... kill you". Just because you have the big foam #1 finger and wear all your favorite team's apparel, sadly, doesn't make your favorite team the #1 team. We AREN'T, in fact, the best health care in the world. According to the World Health Organization's 2000 study (they haven't done it again due to complexity... also, since we haven't had health care reform since then, I doubt the numbers have changed much, if at all, for the better), we come in around 37th place in quality of health care (with most of sometimes-socialized Europe ahead of us). Another fact that you might NOT find so surprising, is that we rank #1 in cost of health care among industrialized nations (#2 among all nations). You, sir, again prove that you are an idiot with no spine and, more than likely, no original thoughts of your own. Why don't you go over next to that dumpster and take a look at this and this, and then, MAYBE, if you apologize nicely, we might let you in in about a year or so. if you try to get in again without apologizing, i foresee another visit to the "excellent" health care system you (now) love so much.

Pamela Pilger - You are a perfect definition of the word, "douchebag". A Jewish man speaks his peace about health care, not pro- or anti-Obama but health care, and you can think of nothing more intelligent to rebut him besides "Heil Hitler!". Really?! You don't have any better ammo than a WWII pro-hate invective that symbolizes the ethnic cleansing of millions of Jews that has absolutely ZERO to do with the topic? It really helps if you know what you are talking about before you publicly make an ass out of yourself. With camera phones being as prevalent as they are nowadays, we all need to think before we speak or act, maybe a little more than we did before, because it will undoubtedly end up on youtube. You should step out of line (since you already WERE out of line) before we have to drag you down the street by your "Israeli Defense Forces" t-shirt. Seriously, WTF?!

Christian Rossiter - Buddy, I'm proud of you for fighting for control of the one thing that is truly ours... life. I'm a proponent for assisted suicide/euthanasia. if counseling can't change your mind, and you are in pain, terminal, or in your case, trapped in your own body... I say, all the power to you. I wish you the best, and despite the starving thing, I read you are allowing liquid to take pain meds, so why don't you have a beer on the house.

Barney Frank - Barney... You'z one crazy muthafucka. Really! I've been called an asshole a time or two, but I try to shoot straight from the hip as often as I can. That speech impediment of your makes me want to chuckle sometimes, but luckily, you seem smart enough to overcome sounding like the comedic relief for a two-bit comedy/western. I do like you, I like what you say, and I like how you say it (you know what I mean). You put this woman in her place. Democrats fighting for health care reform are trying to be the bigger person, but sometimes that just doesn't work on people whose brains never progressed beyond Freud's anal stage. Yelling over each other isn't working, rationalization isn't working, but apparently "fear-mongering" on the part of the Republicans is. Instead of making a personal attack, you pointed out a lack of, at best, understanding, and at worst, intelligence/education. If that's what it comes to, I think you are the guy to do it, and I'm sure you'll be panned for being "rude", but come on... what other choice do you have when the people are being flash-mob rude themselves. So Barney, I say, "Good on ya". Now, come on in. I got a table waiting for ya.

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 14-August-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

William Kostric - Mr. Crazypants, yes, we understand, you are legally allowed to carry a gun in New Hampshire. Nevertheless, the Secret Service's job is to protect the President from all the Mr. Crazypantses out there, and openly carrying a gun while holding a sign that paraphrases the Thomas Jefferson quote, "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time, with the blood of patriots and tyrants". Whether you believe the POTUS is a patriot OR a tyrant, this could EASILY be seen as a thinly veiled threat that was lit up in neon lights by the firearm on your thigh. You were trying to make a statement about our rights being taken away, but if anything, most of those rights were already taken away by GW. Phone-tapping, pretty much anything in the Patriot Act, imprisonment without representation or a fair and speedy trial... since none of these heave to deal with BOOMsticks, you didn't even notice those freedoms disappearing. The already lost freedoms you didn't notice slip out of your "cold, dead hands" tangentially (I know, it's a big word, here's an aspirin) gives the government the right to violate your gun freedoms if they wanted (though they didn't). Your fukked, buddy. You should've been paying attention to the big picture, not just your "survivalist" rights. In short, mosey on home and get a good night's sleep curled up with your 9mm (and don't use the phone... THEY'RE listening).

Ann Coulter - OH Ann, oh Ann, oh Ann... you are you're biggest fan (hold the applause). I wonder what type of person you were in high school. Did you have friends? Is this character a sort of backlash because evwybody was mean to poow wittle Annie when you were but a wee lass? For a seemingly smart person, I'd assume, instead of taking the intelligent path and distancing yourself from the Pailin comment as much as possible, you tried to turn the tables and put "Zeke" on your own personal "death panel". They don't exist, they'll never exist. As much as I dislike you, I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you make it pretty tough. Be smart, research, inform. Now, keep in mind (and apparently this is tough lately for the Republicans), informing ISN'T propagandizing. Scaring little old men and women into think they are going to be Soylent Green with this new health care proposal is NOT informing. Actually, it's a pretty mean thing to do to granny. That's the granny who changed your diapers and kissed you boo-boos and told you there was no boogeyman under your bed. Sadly, that little girl grew up to be the boogeyman on "The Sean Hannity show". I'd tell you to go give your granny a hug and say you're sorry, but it just might scare her to death to see you coming up the walk. So, just... just... just scram! You're scaring the neighbors

That guy quoted as saying "Keep your Goddamn government hands off of my Medicare!" - Apparently, you took GW's "weapons of mass destruction" course, wherein, whatever you believe is true because you said it, so it must be. if you don't know that your Medicare is government run, and then argue about it, you should be ineligible due to the pre-existing condition that you, strangely enough, are physically lacking a brain. I didn't realize the economy was so bad, that the Jerry Springer guests were taking walk-on roles at town halls. So, buddy, why don't you back away from the door, go back to your group home, and have some Jell-O?

The Kardashians - I'm sorry ladies, but this club doesn't acknowledge being famous for being famous. The only reason people even known the Kardashian name is because Kim went and got herself "caught" on a sex-tape with a virtual nobody, Ray-J. That sex-tape certainly helped Kim more than it helped Ray-J. Never before has a groupie been elevated to such heights. Even worse, your sisters (I'm sure if they had actual resumés, all of them would have "aspiring model and/or actress" on there) are now famous... just for having a sister with questionable morals and an exhibitionist streak. I shouldn't ever have had to know that Kourtney is pregnant. Her name should have never been known to 99% of America, so ladies, I'm not sorry, but you'll have to go tramp up some other celebutante lair.

Michael Vick - Mikie, I try to separate what you did from what you do, but in this case, fukk that! You, inmate, are a dick. you let your fame and fortune go to your head and, I suppose, wanted to be a "thug", so you setup an illegal dog-fighting ring. Normally, I'd let you in on your athletic merit, because that's what you DO, but we have some dogs around back that we treat really nicely, and they don't like the smell of you for what you DID. Inmate, if I were you, I'd start high-steppin' down the road, pronto.

GEICO - Thanks for standing up against Mr. Beck. He was in tears last week when our bouncers told him he wasn't allowed in the club. It was a miserable thing to see. It's good to see you pulling your ads from his show, considering the nonsensical things that come out of his mouth. We certainly hope he takes your rejection better than he took ours.

Keith Olbermann - I'm glad to see you found your niche. I knew you from SportsCenter when I was in high school and college, and I liked your delivery and punchlines. Still, you are far better suited to political commentary. Your pieces are well-written, you're an eloquent speaker, and your allusions are poignant and well thought-out. So, Keith, come on in, have a beer on me.

Friday, August 7, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 7-August-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all thumbnails are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Glenn Beck - when you call someone a racist (in the sense of a half-black man being racist against white people) and then in the same interview, almost the same breath, say "I'm not saying he doesn't like white people"... seriously, what is going on that head of yours? is there actual cognition or is it just rapid reflex synapses firing whatever pops onto your tongue? go faux-cry in the back alley, maybe you'll make a friend.

Orly Taitz - this may sound a bit racist (and it's not), but to hear someone with such a thick accent and high-pitched squeal try to fight on the wrong side of citizenship is almost aneurysm-inducing. and to op it off, she's a "lawyer", realtor, and dentist (WTF?!). ever hear of "jack of all trades, master of none"? unde este common sense? (romanian for "where's the common sense?)

Lady Gaga - - every time i see her, i want to claw my eyes out. if she stayed in the studio that she records her music in for life, then i could tolerate her, but she has such an inferiority complex that she'll be a flash in the pan, that she has to dress like this... and the LATEST... she just might be a hermaphrodite.

Pat Buchanan - you haven't seen a white man so "scared" of black people since the 50's. i'm pretty sure it is impossible to be "oppressed" when you are the majority, and even if you aren't the majority, if you have all the power. congress is 83% male, 85% caucasian, and 99% christian/protestant. the SCOTUS has been 97.3% male, 97.3% white, and 82% christian/protestant.the POTUS has been 98.6% caucasian (given he's half-black), 100% male, and seemingly 100% christian/protestant. this is pretty much the entire U.S. government. there's no way in hell you can feel prejudiced against as a white, god-believing male. person-to-person cases, OK, but as the collective you claim... get the fukk out of line!

T-Pain, Akon, Kanye... anyone using Auto-Tune AS music - you can't sing. just live with it. over-using auto-tune isn't creative, it's the musical equivalent of coming out of the closet. AND it's hip-hop. you don't sing in hip-hop anyways. you have a producer come up with a catchy beat, sample another FAR more famous and talented artist, and then you talk over it in various loosely-based rhymes. take your crunk and go home.

The "Auto-Tune the News" Crew - this is one instance when Auto-Tune is ok. why, you ask? because they are taking the piss. they are taking current events and making a good joke out of them. and who knew katie co was such a good Auto-Tune singer. go on in.... SHORTAAAY!