The Guest List for the Weekend of 14-August-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

William Kostric - Mr. Crazypants, yes, we understand, you are legally allowed to carry a gun in New Hampshire. Nevertheless, the Secret Service's job is to protect the President from all the Mr. Crazypantses out there, and openly carrying a gun while holding a sign that paraphrases the Thomas Jefferson quote, "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time, with the blood of patriots and tyrants". Whether you believe the POTUS is a patriot OR a tyrant, this could EASILY be seen as a thinly veiled threat that was lit up in neon lights by the firearm on your thigh. You were trying to make a statement about our rights being taken away, but if anything, most of those rights were already taken away by GW. Phone-tapping, pretty much anything in the Patriot Act, imprisonment without representation or a fair and speedy trial... since none of these heave to deal with BOOMsticks, you didn't even notice those freedoms disappearing. The already lost freedoms you didn't notice slip out of your "cold, dead hands" tangentially (I know, it's a big word, here's an aspirin) gives the government the right to violate your gun freedoms if they wanted (though they didn't). Your fukked, buddy. You should've been paying attention to the big picture, not just your "survivalist" rights. In short, mosey on home and get a good night's sleep curled up with your 9mm (and don't use the phone... THEY'RE listening).

Ann Coulter - OH Ann, oh Ann, oh Ann... you are you're biggest fan (hold the applause). I wonder what type of person you were in high school. Did you have friends? Is this character a sort of backlash because evwybody was mean to poow wittle Annie when you were but a wee lass? For a seemingly smart person, I'd assume, instead of taking the intelligent path and distancing yourself from the Pailin comment as much as possible, you tried to turn the tables and put "Zeke" on your own personal "death panel". They don't exist, they'll never exist. As much as I dislike you, I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you make it pretty tough. Be smart, research, inform. Now, keep in mind (and apparently this is tough lately for the Republicans), informing ISN'T propagandizing. Scaring little old men and women into think they are going to be Soylent Green with this new health care proposal is NOT informing. Actually, it's a pretty mean thing to do to granny. That's the granny who changed your diapers and kissed you boo-boos and told you there was no boogeyman under your bed. Sadly, that little girl grew up to be the boogeyman on "The Sean Hannity show". I'd tell you to go give your granny a hug and say you're sorry, but it just might scare her to death to see you coming up the walk. So, just... just... just scram! You're scaring the neighbors

That guy quoted as saying "Keep your Goddamn government hands off of my Medicare!" - Apparently, you took GW's "weapons of mass destruction" course, wherein, whatever you believe is true because you said it, so it must be. if you don't know that your Medicare is government run, and then argue about it, you should be ineligible due to the pre-existing condition that you, strangely enough, are physically lacking a brain. I didn't realize the economy was so bad, that the Jerry Springer guests were taking walk-on roles at town halls. So, buddy, why don't you back away from the door, go back to your group home, and have some Jell-O?

The Kardashians - I'm sorry ladies, but this club doesn't acknowledge being famous for being famous. The only reason people even known the Kardashian name is because Kim went and got herself "caught" on a sex-tape with a virtual nobody, Ray-J. That sex-tape certainly helped Kim more than it helped Ray-J. Never before has a groupie been elevated to such heights. Even worse, your sisters (I'm sure if they had actual resumés, all of them would have "aspiring model and/or actress" on there) are now famous... just for having a sister with questionable morals and an exhibitionist streak. I shouldn't ever have had to know that Kourtney is pregnant. Her name should have never been known to 99% of America, so ladies, I'm not sorry, but you'll have to go tramp up some other celebutante lair.

Michael Vick - Mikie, I try to separate what you did from what you do, but in this case, fukk that! You, inmate, are a dick. you let your fame and fortune go to your head and, I suppose, wanted to be a "thug", so you setup an illegal dog-fighting ring. Normally, I'd let you in on your athletic merit, because that's what you DO, but we have some dogs around back that we treat really nicely, and they don't like the smell of you for what you DID. Inmate, if I were you, I'd start high-steppin' down the road, pronto.

GEICO - Thanks for standing up against Mr. Beck. He was in tears last week when our bouncers told him he wasn't allowed in the club. It was a miserable thing to see. It's good to see you pulling your ads from his show, considering the nonsensical things that come out of his mouth. We certainly hope he takes your rejection better than he took ours.

Keith Olbermann - I'm glad to see you found your niche. I knew you from SportsCenter when I was in high school and college, and I liked your delivery and punchlines. Still, you are far better suited to political commentary. Your pieces are well-written, you're an eloquent speaker, and your allusions are poignant and well thought-out. So, Keith, come on in, have a beer on me.