Friday, November 20, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 20-November-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

FOX News - Seriously, I think this club could make money just by people lining up, not to even get in, but to watch us bounce anything FOX News related. If it's not Hannity, it's Beck; if it's not a completely fallacious argument against someone who knows what they are talking about, it's falsified news footage. You guys really make it too easy. In this case, it was falsified footage again. Apparently, it's not a Hannity thing, it's a network thing. The anchor had footage that was "just coming in" of the mobs at a Palin book signing... that were actually from last year's Presidential campaign. I mean, even if you haven't caught up to the 2000's where you can give names to files on a "computer", and they can be longer than 8 letters with a 3 letter extension, buy masking tape and a marker. Write on the reel canisters; do something to TRY get your credibility back. Ridiculous! Well, I'd better kick you out now, there's a line former to watch already!

Sarah Palin - Back so soon? We know you have a new book out and your faux-signings and people sleeping overnight in line to get your book. Don't you have better things to do than try to get in the club two consecutive weeks? Or we some kind of reality check for you? The latest is your interviews with O'Reilly and Hannity. In the Hannity interview, you finally told us what newspapers you read over A YEAR after actually getting asked the question. I'm guessing you were using this time to catch up on your back session of "Hooked on Phonics". You said you were "offended" by the question, and that you felt she was insinuating that you couldn't get real news up there. Only a stupid person (who's only practiced the party lines given to her) would be offended by that question. It's not a matter of intelligence (though you cunningly made it one and proved you have none), it's a matter of worldliness. That being said, your answer on Hannity proved exactly why you would've failed anyways. You read Newsmax (a conservative webpage) and The Frontiersman (a local newspaper). You did throw in WSJ though I doubt you do actually read that. It would've been good to hear Reuters, BBC, New York Times, Washington Post, the Associated Press, for Chrissakes!. Any of those would've been fantastic. A bit of both sides would've shown balance. Some HuffPost,, FOX NEWS (if you must). I'm seriously surprised you didn't mention The Onion. You Ma'am are a blathering idiot who takes a year to answer a reading question. You are a casting couch politician at best, and we'd like to escort you out of line once again. Goodnight, Madame Dunce

Amy Winehouse - Amy, I must warn you that this club believes in euthanasia, and in this case, it's to put US out of YOUR misery. WTF is wrong with you? You used to be vaguely attractive; feminine, at the very least, but you needed just a little more whatever than you were getting. Hospitalization after hospitalization after rehab after hospitalization... Your body isn't going to last very long. And what's up with the new titties? They aren't going to be enough to drag everyone's eyes away from your emaciated frame, mess of tattoos, ratty beehive, and put-on-in-the-dark eye makeup. You are a walking mess with a heap of vocal talent. Love yourself, Amy... love YOURSELF! Until you do, get outta line before the cops end up frisking you. You wouldn't last one withdrawal in prison.

Jason Anderson - Hey FuckJob of The HIGHEST Caliber, why are you not in jail? Why are you on paid leave after murdering two kids by recklessly "racing" another cop friend of yours? There is absolutely no excuse for what you did. You wear a badge, you get a gun, you get to break all the rules whenever you want (apparently) and now you've killed two kids. Two kids who were following the rules, not expecting some jackass cop to be throwing his ballsack on the accelerator to show off. You should be in a cell, you should have zero income, and you should have to apologize to those kids parents (which, believe me, is certainly not enough). You should have your badge taken immediately, you should be fired and stuck in the unemployment lines in this shite economy because you were fucking around on the job. Do you recall " protect and to serve"? You jackass! You are the criminal now, and the club wishes all the worst for you. Seriously, get outta here before I crowbar ya. After all, you aren't really a cop anymore.

The Onion - Now THIS is what makes you guys at The Onion awesome. This is such smack-in-the-face satire, but it's so well written, I seriously wouldn't be surprised if there aren't Tea Baggers or 9/12ers out there trying to track this guy down right now. He would be their next "Joe the Plumber". It just screams beauty at how they think laws are made by conservative pundits and what they SAY the Constitution says, rather than what it ACTUALLY says. You guys are great, this is a great article, and for person we can find who thinks this is true and stands by the guys, a free round on me. Come on in.

The American Medical Association - It took you guys long enough, but finally, you've come to your senses. This is what science is about. Making hypotheses, collecting data, confirming repeatability, and then using that data to refine the hypothesis, theory, or personal bias. You were doing all that except the last step. The data has showed this for a long time, but no one wanted to say "OK, weed is good for pain and appetite management" etc. You didn't want the people using a drug that was readily available and there was no way to regulate to tax it. I'm wondering what politician or lobbyist got to you to finally agree to this (I'm guessing they are from California), but this club won't look a gift horse in the mouth. If you need anymore data, go to just about any college campus on game weekend, and you'll have more data than you know what to do with. Let's get this stuff legalized, decriminalized, and, hey, the government can even make some money of it. Either way, thanks for coming forward and stating what we already knew. Come on in, have a beer, and there are munchies on the bar.

Friday, November 13, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 13-November-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Rep. Tom Price - Dude, you are just a dick! And whoever that old dude chairing this (yeah, I'm not too much into names) is, should be done with too. There is no way he should have allowed you to continue disrupting proceedings in the manner you did. OK, you object, once maybe twice, fine; but objecting before they've even said anything to object against? WTF ballbag?! I bet when you were a kid you stuck your fingers in your ears and whined "LA LA LA LA" whenever you were told to do something. Grow up geezer. This is SUPPOSED to be adult politics. I seriously think you need a "Trading Places" wake up call (Eddie Murphy/Dan Akroyd "Trading Places", not that home show). Rep. Price, "I REJECT!"

Sarah Palin - Lady, you're like the cougar version of Paris Hilton circa '07-'08. You pretty much make sure someone's around, turn off your brain, and see what falls out of your mouth (though sometimes Paris let things fall into it as well). Barring the media, recorders, and CELL PHONES from a speech you are giving says a lot about the validity of the shite that you are going to make up. You were smart enough to not SAY death panels, but you weren't smart enough to not bring up the fallacious idea in the first place. And a coin conspiracy? Moving "In God We Trust" to the side of coin is pretty cool. I'm sure you're a bit xenophobic (that's the fear of things that are different or foreign), but the British pound coin has had side inscriptions for a long time, which actually made it a collectors piece for me. Plus how many people really use dollar coins? All of this, despite the fact that the club thinks that having such a motto is discriminatory and patently wrong. This motto was created after the Civil War when the country was in the shite. We've (well some of us) have grown and matured and *GASP* evolved to a point where religion isn't needed as much to make us feel happy. The national motto should be INclusive, not EXclusive, and there are far more non-believers out there than you might be comfortable with knowing. But I digress, what I mean to say is you're kinda dumb, kinda hot, and kinda kicked out of the club. Buh bye!

Chris Brown - Hey woman beater, what are you doing in MY line? I cannot believe you have the balls to wish that Rhianna had kept quiet about the beating? You BEAT HER in public! Your puny, insecure, hardly-talented shitehead of a self, had to feel good by beating up a girl IN PUBLIC. Nothing about this should be private. You should be called out for this shitsack that you are. Domestic abuse is unacceptable. Simple as that. You did, you should have to wear that badge that you are man enough to hit a woman. I'm sure the thugs think really highly of you. You SO deserve this and more. All I have to say is you should keep your head down and bolt before someone recognizes you. If they do, we might have to turn our backs so you can keep it a "private matter".

Goldman Sachs - You guys are booted just for stoking the fire. Who the fuck didn't know that health care reform would hurt private insurers? Of course it would, and it SHOULD. Anyone knows that if you don't provide a service but charge people you are going to make mad cash. Then if you get caught and actually have to provide said service, then you are going to make less mad cash, because, oh damn, you're actually going to have to do your job. The insurance companies should be non- or not-for-profit organizations. Competition will help in streamlining a bloated system full of fat cats hiding in middle management positions saying "NO!" to policy holders who deserve to hear "YES!" On a side note, when this here bouncer was in college, he had a friend taking a course, "How to lie by using charts". That is, the data was honest and truthful, but how it was presented told the lie that was never said. For example, look at this graph Goldman had in their report (click for larger). On first glance, what do you see? I see that after 2013, health care insurers are going to start losing money, going in debt, so they won't be able to provide services, and we'll all turn into zombies, and that is bad. All this graph really shows is that after 2013, they are going to insure twice as many people, and only make half the PROFIT! It's a misleading graph for that very reason. So Goldman Sachs, for being general buttwads and trying to confuse the matter further without making any beneficial strides, get outta my line before someone gives you a reason to use your health insurance.

Sean Hannity - Man, you are one funny dude. What you are doing is called "damage control", and we can all see it. You got caught trying to forge the news as usual. Just own up. Trying to pass it off as an innocent mistake that anyone could make MIGHT pass on some other networks, but with all the unfairness and imbalance your network has, it is just that you got caught doing what you always do. You bend the truth to fit your beliefs, which is completely ass backwards by the way. It's also funny that you tried to condescend to The Daily Show viewers by thanking them for watching. Now, there are at least two reasons they watch. 1) Crazy people are fun to watch. The delusions, the persecution, the complete lack of logic and rationality... it's just so foreign. They are are watch-dogging you, doing their very best to call you out on all the aforementioned character flaws and in doing so, hopefully making a few viewers at a time come to THEIR senses. 2) They are actually being fair and balanced. they are looking at all options, all views, all opinions, then throwing them in the brain to calculate and deduce what they find to be most reasonable. You are always going to be right if you only look at half the story. Looking at the whole dilly-yo, and then coming to new conclusions, changing ideas, thoughts, and possible false preconceptions... now that's the sign of an intelligent person who's not afraid of change in the face of truth. I know you don't understand, so just go home, look up the big words, and maybe put some rubber sheets on the bed.

Carrie Prejean - Holy fuck Carrie, are you a Stepford child? This is a generalization, but girls who drop out of a party school to go to a Christian school so they can study on Friday night and not be pressured to drink typically don't make sex tapes, pose for naked pictures, and get breast implants. There are two totally different people, so maybe you have multiple personality disorder, or maybe you are just a tramp who knew you weren't the trampiest at your party school, so you tried taking the back door (hah) by going with the hot-as-hell-but-pure route to get into pageants to feel some self-worth. And what's with you thinking that the Bible doesn't forbid breast implants. I'm sure you're talking New Testament because the OT pretty much rules out ANYTHING cool. Have you even read the Bible, I mean, really. I'm personally in the middle of it, and it's nuts! Did you know that in Leviticus it says we aren't supposed to cut our hair? How fucked up is that? Yet, you're using this crazy book as a justification for breast implants. You are a piece of work, seriously. I'd like to let you in, you are hot, but you might have a psychotic break and take out all my other customers, and that would be bad. Strut your way home, and be careful of the demons out there.

Mahmoud Vahidnia - Earlier, the club kicked Chris Brown out for having the balls to ask that him being an abuser be kept quiet. THAT was an insult. You, on the other hand, have balls for publically calling out Ayatollah Ali Khamenei for being a total douche. That is awesome! You could be thrown in prison for that! Just for questioning his actions. Nerds rule! I'm sure you have some sort of getaway rocket just in case, but still. Some say that there haven't been any repercussions to show that Iran is a just country welcoming criticism. The funny thing is, just saying that, proves that they aren't. Good on you, man. Come on into the club and relax. We have chai and shisha in the back.

The Piano Stairs Guys - This is some creative stuff right here. You take a bit of wiring, some black and white material, pressure sensors and speakers, and what do you get? Improvisational exercise. This is more of what the world needs. Sadly, we have to be forced to get up off our couches or to even take a flight of stairs rather than an escalator. But if that's what it takes, and it gets someone even a bit healthier, all the more power to you. Come on in, and uh, if you get bored, can we get a set of those installed to the second floor?

The club must apologize. Our opening schedule is going to be erratic through Thanksgiving. The head bouncer is traveling and instead of being an exclusive prick, he's trying to experience life a bit. This isn't to say there won't be updates, but he can't guarantee them or that they'll be on time. The club again apologizes for this, and we hope to keep you as a faithful patron during this restructuring. Thanks.


Friday, November 6, 2009


I know you were all looking forward to the latest Guest List, but due to our head bouncer immense popularity around town, he is going to be delayed one day. The list will be up tomorrow. The club apologizes for the delay, but we know to leave you wanting more. See you tomorrow.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 6-November-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

James Conway - Rear Admiral Homophobe, what is your deal? What are you afraid of? You aren't that attractive. Maybe it's the uniform thing, but still, gays aren't out to get you. If they want to fight in the military, where's the harm. You know they are there now. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" isn't come magic barrier that keeps them from serving, if anything, it's just an added stressor on your already over-stressed soldier. Good job, fuckbag. Make their jobs harder while you sit on a bridge or in an office somewhere. From a different direction, you being a homophobe, would you WANT to know where they are? Could be the guy sitting right next to you, coveting your wrinkly prune ass. OH NO! You'll never know now, just because they might be married is nothing, look at Tom Cruise. Get over yourself and your old-man prejudices, and let willing Americans serve our country no matter their sexual orientation. There's no harm to you, and it can only help our country become stronger. Step out of line, sir, about face, and fuck off!

Joe Lieberman - Hey Cock Jockey, how in the world would no health care reform be better than a public option. Options are good, and being that they are options, no one HAS to choose them. Is it competition you don't like? I mean, us mere mortals have to pay for our health care whereas you get this kick-ass healthcare for nothing. In my mind, that means you have no fucking say AT ALL about what type of health care we have. We are paying, so we should choose. Drop your health care coverage and start paying like a normal person, then you get a say. Oh, and what's with this filibuster shit you are trying to pull. Weren't you just against filibustering, was it last year? So when it suits you, you are for it. Dick Bag, quit hopping the fence. Grow a stem-cell modified spine, and man up. Oh, and you have a huge head. Step out of line and go check with your doctor how much the procedures you need cost.

Glenn Beck - I don't know how you manage to make it in this same line week after week. When we opened this club, there were a few people we thought would be habitual rejectees, but seriously, you were well of the radar. I mean, we like to be surprised and all, but you should take a breather. Are you mistakenly trying to find the Krispy Kreme? This city doesn't have a local branch of the "Pompous Douches with Their Head's Up Their Asses" Lodge. How can you repeatedly just stumble into this line? OH, I know, it's by doing thing like referring to health care reform being more dangerous than terrorists. Do you have a former GWBush speech writer? Taking your shoes off BEFORE the plane hits the tower? Really?! I mean, maybe you were in the heat of the moment, but semantically, doing that is kinda of on par with putting on brand new Nikes, placing a purple cloth over your face, and committing suicide by ingesting cyanide. Are your 9/12ers latent Heaven's Gaters? You also state that these 9/12ers are going to town halls, and taking up their weekends reading 2,000 page health care bills. You know what that shows? Nothing. 1) I seriously doubt you could read 2,000 pages in a weekend, and 2) they are only doing this because you are force-feeding them propaganda. How about YOU read the 2,000 page health care bill (we won't mind if you have to take off filming a few shows), ACTUALLY get a grasp on it, THEN tell the crowd what you think. In the mean time, let your 9/12ers do something useful like, I don't know, spend time with their families. Actually, in your case I know it's not fair to your family, but I'm going to have to ask you to get out of line and go bother them.

Giant Penis-Eating Worms - Isn't the world bad enough with nuclear Iran, crazy Kim Jong-Il, and Glenn Beck? Now we find you, a giant penis eating worm in an aquarium in Hull. What's the world coming to? Apparently, you grow really big and eat fish, so why do you have to cross that line and feed your male partner's penis to your young? What happened to you when you were a young wormlet? Why all the hate? I also kind of wonder how you made your way into the aquarium. We may have to audit their lifeform tracking; maybe they have mermaids!!! This is a genital-friendly club. We don't like your penis-biting kind around here, so you can slither away now. Wait, how did you even get here? Nevermind!

Jesse Ventura - Mr. Ventura, it's a pleasure. I remember you from professional wrestling when I was a wee'un and you were "The Body". You went on to be Minnesota governor, and are known to have no problem expressing how you feel without sugar-coating it for the PC-inclined. Your recent comments about voting on gay marriage are spot on. Civil rights should not be influenced by people's prejudices. Too many legislators now don't see that, only wanting to do right by the prejudices of their constituents just so they can get re-elected. Thanks for stepping forward, thus putting those officials and voters in the spotlight, highlighting their general ignorance and bigotry. Welcome in, Mr. Ventura, and have a good time.

We'll call you "Goose" - We here at the club don't know your name, you almost got rejected for stupidity, but we'd like to let you in for sheer ballsiness. Even if it was an accident, you now have a story that will go down in your family lore for ages. When you felt that bone-jarring force of the ejection seat pushing you into the empty blue sky... that had to be one of the biggest "OH SHIT!" moments in history. We're glad to see your survived and haven't been incarcerated, so welcome in, and with that story, I doubt you'll have to buy a beer all night.

Friday, October 30, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 30-October-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

The club apologizes for the lack of incumbents this week. It must be that everyone is saving up their energy for the upcoming Halloween parties, or that everyone is getting the blues since summer is over and the winter looms, but never you worry; the club will be open all winter ready to lift your spirits WITH spirits if necessary. Come back next week, and we'll see if we can't draw a bigger crowd.

Scientologists - I have to give you credit, you guys sure can spin. I don't know how you do it, but somehow you can warp the minds of some rich people into taking up the cause of your loony tunes "religion". It's impressive and scary. I mean, L. Ron, went into this as a business. He's been quoted as wanting to start a religion. Theoretically, you don't "start" a religion, you can't create one, it must be introduced to you by some higher power who wants some cred for all his work. When you say you "want" to start a religion and then do... well, that's just an INSANE coincidence. Going after the rich people was good too, you need funding if you want to see it grow large in your lifetime and offering plates are just so small. I just want to say you guys are nuts. Give you money away to charity, do GOOD with it. When you are confronted with claims of financial and spiritual fraud, you throw off your mic and storm out? That's not a very good impression to leave with the people. Maybe you should go home, get audited, and if we're lucky, they are handing out the magic grape Kool-Aid tonight.

Bobby McFerrin - Man, I'm really sorry that you will forever be known as the "Don't Worry, Be Happy" guy (dammit, it's in my head... well that was the risk I took inviting you in). I mean, it's a good and catchy song, but apparently your knowledge base for music theory and cognition goes significantly further than that. The video you did was interesting in that it engaged that audience with, at first, a bit of awkward "What the hell is the 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' guy doing jumping around the stage", and then went on to, without coaching, conducting an entire crowd into hitting notes strictly from spacial perceptions. When you can engage an audience like that, the point really sticks, and the club is glad to see you spreading some fun and knowledge around. We appreciate it if you can in and sang something to get your "other" song out of our heads. Thanks.

Charlize Theron - Charlize, welcome to the club. We are really excited to have you here tonight. We are big fans of your movies (Aeon Flux... oh yeah!). Reindeer Games was, well, everyone had bumps, but you had "Monster". The club has been lacking in the "Beautiful Woman" department lately, but you are definitely upping that factor this evening. We thought it was great that you were willing to kiss a total stranger to get your bids up for an African charity in order to beat Jeremy Piven. When the winning bidder turned out to be a woman, you didn't back down, and the club absolutely fell head over heels for you. YOU... ARE... AWESOME! Please do come in. I'll apologize ahead of time if there is any gawking.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 23-October-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Dante Wesley - Dude, you need to lay of the steroids! When your 'roid rage strikes out on the field during a televised game, people are going to start suspecting things. With 10 seconds left in the half, odds are against a full-field run back, just wait for the guy to catch the ball and wrap him up, one play and go to the locker room. God damn man! You left your feet (illegal) and aimed for the head (illegal) of a defenseless player (illegal). That's how people get career-ending injuries. What was going through your head when you did this? Christ! All you are is a cheap-shotting mofo. Slowly, step out of line and walk with your head hung low back to the locker room. Actually, you might want to keep your eyes up. I think we have some Bucs fans in line, and there are a lot of shadows along this street.

Keith Bardwell - Hey racist dickhead... What is your job again? Justice of the Peace, yeah? That means, as part of your job, you have to sign marriage licenses. STOP! That's it. No justifications, no prejudices, no injecting your own thoughts or concerns into the deal. Just about the only things you could REASONABLY not sign the license is if one of the parties is intoxicated or maybe bound and gagged with duct tape (but even then, you might have to in case they are into BDSM... ask if the bound party wants to use the safety word). It doesn't matter if you think their children are going to have a hard time in society. What if a white couple's baby is born with a sever birth defect. That child will have a hard time in society... so you shouldn't've married them? Trying to hide behind you having black friends is no excuse either. You let them "use [your] bathroom". My, how 1960's of you! You're also quoted as saying you try to treat everyone equally... Hold on, I think I'm having an aneurysm. WTF?! Do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth and if you do, do you understand them? They certainly aren't matching up with your actions. So, typical southern bigot, step aside. I'm going to have to deny you entry, we have some concern for your safety inside.

Somali Islamists - Ok, boys, put down the whips. You are in the USofA now, and they may be considered weapons. Now what the fuck is the deal with you whipping ladies for wearing bras? Are you that sexually frustrated that you see the shape of a boob, and you (maybe) get a hard-on, so you must whip the girl, despite it being your fault you can't control your urges. Pass the buck, that's the name of the game. Women must cover themselves and be modest for no better reason than you can't be trusted to think of baseball instead of boobies. Get a life, kids. Speaking as a guy who knows how to control his urges AND likes looking at women, have you SEEN the Victoria's Secret catalog? Come on, it's a work of art! Bras are fantastic. Granted, the Miracle Bra is a bit of false advertising, but still. There's lacy ones, sheer ones, seamless ones, strapless ones, transformer ones, ones with holes strategically designed in them... Sorry, I got caught up in the moment. Seriously, you guys need to go home and think long and hard about if you are whipping the right person. Next time you feel an "urge" go out back and flog yourself, ya weak shits! Go home. **whispering** bras, panties, things, garters, oh my. We'll see if that gets 'em!.

Missionaries - Now, from that link, rejecting all missionaries is a it of a stretch, but here's how I rationalize it. It's my club, and you are assholes! There. No, but seriously, I've always hated the idea of missioning (?). I know of some people, under the false pretense of another occupation, are "spreading the word of god" in countries where missionaries are illegal. I wouldn't mind if they got caught. See, you certainly do good things, help build roads, houses, schools, and educate, but you also build them churches. As soon as the steeple goes up, the altruism vaporizes. You aren't doing this for them, you are doing this for your church, to keep up the people count. If you just did you good deeds and went, we'd be SOOO cool. You can tell them about your religion (if you must), but then you should also tell them about your premature ejaculation problem or how you felt awkward climbing the rope in gym class. They all of the same level of importance to this person you are trying to "help", so if you don't mind telling them about your problems... ok, go ahead and talk, but don't preach, don't proselytize, just be nice, do, an leave. As usual when it comes to religion and missionaries, I've become a bit long-winded. Rounding back to the point I've been meaning to make, there are Christian churches in Africa that were missioned and left. That's it. Apparently, there's been no upkeep, no reinforcement, so they are intermingling the Christianity your predecessors brought them with their previous beliefs. Now, this might sounds familiar. This is what Christianity did, as well. More than likely Jesus wasn't born on 25-December or it would be a strange coincidence considering far older religions and beliefs held this day to be special. Christianity squashed the other religions and picked out the good things they had and made them it's own... like these African churches. Having left them to their own devices, now they are killing children they deem "witches" during exorcisms, all for a high cost (even if they fail). So, I shall step down off my milk crate, and say, missionaries, your predecessors' work has killed children in Africa this day, and your work may do the same in the future. I'm just sick of it. Try being TRULY altruistic, and maybe we'll talk. Be done with you.

Health Insurance Companies - You have lived of the fat of the land for so long, your brain is clogged with the stuff. How can rape POSSIBLY be a pre-existing condition?! It's RAPE for fuck sake! Is being shot a pre-existing condition ("Apparently this man likes to hang around the wrong end of guns")? Is being burnt in a house fire a pre-existing condition ("If he was faster, he would've been OK")? Being raped is traumatic enough, then having the fear of AIDS or some other STD or getting pregnant. Now it's come to light that you pile on another fear... you won't pay for their care or, even worse, you might not insure them at all in the future. EVEN if they are HIV-, just the fact that they've taken anti-HIV drugs? Holy clusterfuck of stupidity, Batman! Do your jobs, just do your FUCKING jobs! You job is to insure people. Some are going to be more expensive, others will hardly use it at all. THAT is your job. Your job IS NOT to get rich by denying claims, denying coverage, and upping premiums so you can go to the fucking casino in a private jet and piss it all away! FUCK! Get your priorities straight! Get your HEAD straight! Get outta my face, or I might have to straighten your head for you.

Glenn Beck - Welcome back to the rejection line! Someday we might pity you enough to let you maybe have a LOOK inside, but you gotta get off the drugs or ON your meds. How is the President encouraging volunteering a bad thing? Is it because no one is going to make money on it? Oh no, capitalism NOT being injected into every facet of America, OH NO! It doesn't hurt to volunteer. Our society, as a whole, has been somehow converted to a "nothing comes free" attitude. Chores that kids once were "required" to do in order to go play are now recompensed with an allowance. You say Americans are the most generous people in the world. You also think we have the best health care in the world, which is emphatically wrong and can be backed up with data. American pride shouldn't obscure the truth. THAT is a communist outlook, THAT is more like Mao's China and 1984. I'd like to think Americans are generous, but I'm not even sure how to quantify that. I guess we could count the increase in the homeless population every year, or how many people are kicked out of their houses, or how many people suffer because of poor or no health care coverage. Yeah, by that note, I don't think we are very generous, but maybe you are thinking about the money you put in the offering tray on Sunday. When was the last time you did something "generous"? And it has to be the dictionary definition, not some over-inflated sense of self-importance definition of generous like you DIDN'T run over the guy who was in the crosswalk. From your segment (and I'm guessing it was a slow news day as this really isn't worthy of the airtime), I'm guessing you are just a lazy fuck and don't want people picking on your like they did in grade school when they point out that you can't be bothered to help your fellow man without compensation. You, sir, have proven yet again, that you are the king of asshats by trying to put a bad spin on a good initiative. Go... just go!

John Kanzius (GG) - John, your story is amazing. Given your background and the desire to fight to live, you created a machine to help you fight terminal leukemia. The theories were sound, and your work is going to be carried on. The future looks promising particularly using the gold nano-particles which maybe you should've tried. It's too bad that it wasn't perfected in time, but it's possible you could be seen as a hero and pioneer in cancer treatments in the future. Welcome in, and we just want to say thanks for the hope.

Nathaniel Kassel - Dude, you are funny. I never would've thought to high-five people trying to wave down taxis. It's unique, funny, and in most cases, it brought a smile to the faces of the people who were "fived". There was the case of the one guy who tried to chase you (come on, bike versus running in a business suit and loafers?), but on the whole, it looked like people enjoyed the experience once they'd realized what happened. Thanks for spreading some cheer in an original way. Come on in, and so that same (but maybe without the bike).

Gay Wilkinson - Nothing says fun like heavy metal and explosives. I don't know where you got the idea, but I can tell there has been some fine tuning (like the steno pad glued to the anvil as a gasket... were there side blowouts?). Still, it looks like a fun thing to see in person. We'd like you to come in and tell us how you came up with the idea, and hopefully a funny stories about the testing. MAYBE we can set up a test area out back, but that might have to wait for next week.

Friday, October 16, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 16-October-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

GOP - Where in the fuck is your collective head at? Are you guys standing together SO STAUNCHLY against Obama's health care bill, that whatever comes up in front of you, you vote against without listening? Al Franken proposed an amendment that the US government should deny defense contracts to contractors who have employees sign away their right to sue the company. Seems like a fairly logical thing. Contractors that WOULD do that sound highly suspicious already but considering the case where an RBK employee was gang-raped by her colleagues, and she couldn't sue the company? Holy shit, this should be unanimous. Walk in, drop your vote, and go to lunch. It's RAPE, pricks! You shouldn't even be asked to sign away human rights in a contract. If your company can't protect you from being raped, that company owes you a lot more than money. It's absolute bullshit that some GOPs actually voted against this because some feel it's not their job to interject into the contracts of our contractors, but as Jon Stewart said, but wait... that IS your job. You SHOULD be responsible for hiring upstanding and safe contractors who DON'T hide behind contracts when human liberties are violated. How can you seriously rationalize this in your head? And if you can, I hope all your daughters work for companies that sign their rights away as well. If this happens again, WHEN IT'S YOUR FAMILY... let's see how you vote then, assholes! Get the fuck out of line!

Saudi Oil Barons - You pompous pricks! Seriously! If the world decreases it's oil dependence, you are going to need foreign aid?! You can come right here and kick my ass. You are one of the richest countries in the world due to your oil reserves. You try to control the world economy by rationing how much you are going to pull out of the ground on a whim. I'm not a huge fan of the opulence of Dubai and Qatar, but at least they DID something with their money. They've tried to build and infrastructure and make themselves a center of commerce. What have you done? You've had a near-monopoly on the oil business since, what, the 70's at least, and what have you done with your money. You don't get to bend the world over a barrel, then when that barrel is pulled away, say, "I'm sorry, we're cool right? Can you help me move my sofa this weekend?". NO! IT doesn't work like that, so I suggest you step out of line, go home, and figure out what you are going to do with the money you have buried in the desert or wherever the hell you have it. Calculate the REAL money you are going to be taking in (the IEA report has no real reason to biased against you, but you DO have a reason to be biased for you, think about it), and figure out how to do something sustainable in your country. It's a huge fucking desert, invest in solar!

Greedy Energy Producers - Who was the corporate assclown who thought it would be a good idea to make up losses by charging the customer more to do good for the environment? Really, bring him up front! Hey jackhole... you're about as bad as the Saudi fuckers we just kicked out. You got in this game because it's easy money, oil and gas is flowing freely, everyone needs power, it's a Win-Win, right? But,oh shit, on the horizon you see the green movement coming, energy efficient light bulbs, people promoting renewable resources, recycling, GOOD STUFF, that might cut into your bottom line. Like the Saudis, what did you do with your money? Fuck this "We're gonna lose money with these energy efficient light bulbs since people won't use so much power, so we're going to hand out the light bulbs, make them pay a mark-up of 600%, and hope that makes up for the money we are going to lose". Sorry buddy, but there's no such thing as a free lunch! Learn it, live it! There ARE ways to make money in the new energy revolution. You ever hear the adage "You have to spend money to make money"? Well, do it! Don't try to fuck over your customer because you're a lazy shite and you might not make the numbers to get your overly inflated bonus. Fuck off home and google "green energy".

CNN - CNN people... the club has a friend known only as "TheMom". She's recent written a nice piece on the Code of Ethics that journalists should have to abide by. The way they get around it? Don't hire journalists, but I digress. During a recent interview with Arianna Huffington on The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, they cut in with "BREAKING NEWS". OK, on the edges of our seats... what could be so fantastically important or tragic that they'd cut in on a serious talk about the risk and costs ($65 billion / year) involved in the Afghanistan war? FUCKING RUSH LIMBAUGH ISN'T GOING TO BE ABLE TO BUY THE RAMS?!?!?!?!?! Who the fuck cares if this bloated, hate-filled, possibly recovering junkie gets to buy a football team. This isn't Perry White's "The Daily Planet" where we have to run out and SCOOP everything. You are a 24-hour news channel that normally has to fill it's time with shite because news doesn't necessarily happen 24 hours. This is the absolute OPPOSITE of breaking news; and Wolf, be careful using that tone. The way you said, "I want everybody to standby for just a moment"... UH-UH, not allowed, not for this topic. That is what you say when planes fly into buildings, when space shuttles explode on live TV, when a president is assassinated. You don't say that in that tone when a fuckjob Republican mouthpiece DOESN'T get his chance to buy his version of slaves. CNN, you really failed on this one, I expected more out of "America's Most Trusted News Source". Go home and get your priorities straight.

John Forehand - You make it too easy, but we should seriously fucking give you a coma-inducing Backhand. You sick son of a bitch! Why, why, why? Can't you go to the bar and take home a barfly? It's not an ideal situation for the kids, but it's better than wanting to fuck them! We can tell, despite being completely fucked in the head, that you aren't very intelligent. MOST pedophiles get caught with pictures or videos (which it looked like you were going to take when you were arrested), but you even did it online. And this... "not many other fathers and daughters are this brave, so not many of them are so lucky to experience all these pleasures"? Not only did you want to destroy any sense of innocence you're VERY OWN flesh-and- blood had, but you were glorifying it. You were prepared to ruin her for her entire life, fucking with how her brain works. You are a sick fuck, and I hope Bubba does everything to you that you wanted to do to your little girl. Here come the cops, go away before you "accidentally" fall down and hurt yourself bad!

William Kamkwamba - William, the club first heard about you when you did an interview on "The Daily Show". Your story is inspirational, and that is to say the very least. You dropped out of school because your parents couldn't afford it, you went to the library, and basically from pictures, you learned how to build a windmill to produce energy for your family in Malawi. I've personally bought your book, because I'd like to learn more about what drives a 14-year old boy with little formal education and possibly NO english (at the time) to build something to help his family... from pictures. Your story is truly remarkable, and the club wishes you all the best. Come on in, have a drink, and relax. If you get bored, we have some books you can read up on, and our ceiling fan is on the fritz... maybe you could look at it? Get inside, man, and enjoy... your story's getting me all choked up.

For those others in line, if you can't buy the book, here's a link to a short video telling his story in brief.