Friday, November 20, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 20-November-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

FOX News - Seriously, I think this club could make money just by people lining up, not to even get in, but to watch us bounce anything FOX News related. If it's not Hannity, it's Beck; if it's not a completely fallacious argument against someone who knows what they are talking about, it's falsified news footage. You guys really make it too easy. In this case, it was falsified footage again. Apparently, it's not a Hannity thing, it's a network thing. The anchor had footage that was "just coming in" of the mobs at a Palin book signing... that were actually from last year's Presidential campaign. I mean, even if you haven't caught up to the 2000's where you can give names to files on a "computer", and they can be longer than 8 letters with a 3 letter extension, buy masking tape and a marker. Write on the reel canisters; do something to TRY get your credibility back. Ridiculous! Well, I'd better kick you out now, there's a line former to watch already!

Sarah Palin - Back so soon? We know you have a new book out and your faux-signings and people sleeping overnight in line to get your book. Don't you have better things to do than try to get in the club two consecutive weeks? Or we some kind of reality check for you? The latest is your interviews with O'Reilly and Hannity. In the Hannity interview, you finally told us what newspapers you read over A YEAR after actually getting asked the question. I'm guessing you were using this time to catch up on your back session of "Hooked on Phonics". You said you were "offended" by the question, and that you felt she was insinuating that you couldn't get real news up there. Only a stupid person (who's only practiced the party lines given to her) would be offended by that question. It's not a matter of intelligence (though you cunningly made it one and proved you have none), it's a matter of worldliness. That being said, your answer on Hannity proved exactly why you would've failed anyways. You read Newsmax (a conservative webpage) and The Frontiersman (a local newspaper). You did throw in WSJ though I doubt you do actually read that. It would've been good to hear Reuters, BBC, New York Times, Washington Post, the Associated Press, for Chrissakes!. Any of those would've been fantastic. A bit of both sides would've shown balance. Some HuffPost,, FOX NEWS (if you must). I'm seriously surprised you didn't mention The Onion. You Ma'am are a blathering idiot who takes a year to answer a reading question. You are a casting couch politician at best, and we'd like to escort you out of line once again. Goodnight, Madame Dunce

Amy Winehouse - Amy, I must warn you that this club believes in euthanasia, and in this case, it's to put US out of YOUR misery. WTF is wrong with you? You used to be vaguely attractive; feminine, at the very least, but you needed just a little more whatever than you were getting. Hospitalization after hospitalization after rehab after hospitalization... Your body isn't going to last very long. And what's up with the new titties? They aren't going to be enough to drag everyone's eyes away from your emaciated frame, mess of tattoos, ratty beehive, and put-on-in-the-dark eye makeup. You are a walking mess with a heap of vocal talent. Love yourself, Amy... love YOURSELF! Until you do, get outta line before the cops end up frisking you. You wouldn't last one withdrawal in prison.

Jason Anderson - Hey FuckJob of The HIGHEST Caliber, why are you not in jail? Why are you on paid leave after murdering two kids by recklessly "racing" another cop friend of yours? There is absolutely no excuse for what you did. You wear a badge, you get a gun, you get to break all the rules whenever you want (apparently) and now you've killed two kids. Two kids who were following the rules, not expecting some jackass cop to be throwing his ballsack on the accelerator to show off. You should be in a cell, you should have zero income, and you should have to apologize to those kids parents (which, believe me, is certainly not enough). You should have your badge taken immediately, you should be fired and stuck in the unemployment lines in this shite economy because you were fucking around on the job. Do you recall " protect and to serve"? You jackass! You are the criminal now, and the club wishes all the worst for you. Seriously, get outta here before I crowbar ya. After all, you aren't really a cop anymore.

The Onion - Now THIS is what makes you guys at The Onion awesome. This is such smack-in-the-face satire, but it's so well written, I seriously wouldn't be surprised if there aren't Tea Baggers or 9/12ers out there trying to track this guy down right now. He would be their next "Joe the Plumber". It just screams beauty at how they think laws are made by conservative pundits and what they SAY the Constitution says, rather than what it ACTUALLY says. You guys are great, this is a great article, and for person we can find who thinks this is true and stands by the guys, a free round on me. Come on in.

The American Medical Association - It took you guys long enough, but finally, you've come to your senses. This is what science is about. Making hypotheses, collecting data, confirming repeatability, and then using that data to refine the hypothesis, theory, or personal bias. You were doing all that except the last step. The data has showed this for a long time, but no one wanted to say "OK, weed is good for pain and appetite management" etc. You didn't want the people using a drug that was readily available and there was no way to regulate to tax it. I'm wondering what politician or lobbyist got to you to finally agree to this (I'm guessing they are from California), but this club won't look a gift horse in the mouth. If you need anymore data, go to just about any college campus on game weekend, and you'll have more data than you know what to do with. Let's get this stuff legalized, decriminalized, and, hey, the government can even make some money of it. Either way, thanks for coming forward and stating what we already knew. Come on in, have a beer, and there are munchies on the bar.

1 comment:

  1. Sorry to post this here (you can delete it). Your sister wants you to call ASAP. It was part of a facebook posting. That's all I know about it, except what is on themom's facebook status.