Friday, July 2, 2010

The Guest List for the Weekend of 02-July-2010

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

WOW! Those RNC lesbian bondage club partiers really know how to mess up a place. After they got booted from the club, they were hooting and hollering outside to beat the band. We rejected them, of course, so they rioted like futbol hooligans and tore the place up. then they told their buddies in law enforcement that were were a god-hating, socialist, GAY a sex club, so they shut us down for a bit. Since we are a small operation, it took some time to get the place back in working order. IT also took some work to educate said law enforcement as to how wrong the RNC was with their name calling. During reconstruction, there were some people STILL lining up to get in. Here is a highlight list of some of them which we'll share over the next few weeks. That being said, we are now open again. The club apologizes for the closure, and we appreciate your continued patronage.

Tito Ortiz - To paraphrase Johnny from Dirty Dancing, "NO ONE hits Jenna Jameson, the porn star". Dude, you are a punk. We like porn stars around here. We're sorry if they have daddy issues or drug habits, but it kinda comes with the territory (or leads to it). Still, they are the foundation of a nearly $10 billion a year industry. You are a big, bald, sissy monkey beating on (and impregnating which I'm also not happy about) a girl half your size who's the fantasy of millions of men. And what's with your pullout of The Ultimate Fighter 11? AH, poor little Tito has a neck injury and doesn't want to ruin his career. Do you remember the knee injury Nick Ring had? Do you remember how he was taking it easy for the same reason, and you hassled him to the point of you making him carry you in the Octagon on his back? Do you remember that? Well, I'm guessing it was different in your case, wasn't it? It always is. I was really looking forward to Chuck Liddell beating you in the Octagon, but they had to replace you with a better coach, a better fighter, and an all around better person with Rich Franklin. Maybe you should just tap out now.

World Cup Referees - ALL of you, out of line! I'm sorry it's a few bad eggs spoiling the bunch, but when the championship tournament comes once every four years, you need to be be at the pinnacle of your skill. It's unacceptable when four years of training, dedication, qualifiers, and more training get ruined by shitty calls... OUTLANDISH calls in some case! Granted, some bad calls were based on poor positions of the referees (England's no goal against Germany, and this joke on it). This is easily remedied by these newfangled things called video review cameras. They use them in American football and basketball. They use it in hockey and in tennis... even at Wimbledon, a staple of stubborn custom. How about the missed call against the impossibly off-sides Argentinian player who scored a game winning goal against Mexico? Possibly the worst call though, was against the USA when they were battling Slovenia. Edu scored a goal that put them on top of Slovenia that was called back due to an American foul. A GENERIC American foul, that the referee wouldn't elaborate upon. Take a look at this picture (America is in blue) and tell me who is getting fouled. You guys suck! The good ones should beat the asses of the bad ones. The bad ones should run. A red card to you all!

Justin Bieber - I understand that your mom was some sort of underage crackhead "babies having babies" on Maury Povich kinda girl, so I can understand a bit why you don't know what the word "German" is, but you can use "shawty" in just about every song. It is a testament to your generation. Seriously, WTF is wrong with you? I know your explanation post-interview was that you didn't understand his accent, which is entirely understandable in foreign countries, BUT... you looked at his card. You saw the writing on the card in his hand, pronounced the word correctly, and still said you didn't understand. Then you went so far as to say "We don't say that word in America." WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! You're Canadian! Make that clear. America does just fine making a fool of itself, what with Lady Gaga, GW Bush, Megan Fox, Sarah Palin, Lindsey Lohan, and ON and ON and ON... On that note, Justin... I'm pretty sure you'll understand. "Get the fuck out, eh!"

Thai Spice Restaurant Employees - I'm sure you guys are embarrassed by this incident, but you should REALLY be embarrassed, because this is something you'd expect to see in from the American Bible Belt or something. Australia is a far more liberal country/continent/place than the U.S. I really thought it was a word processing spell checker typo that replaced "America" with "Australia" during the editing process. Plus, how do you determine a gay dog from a straight dog? Are you afraid that the gay dogs are going to get together, march in a pride parade and try to adopt puppies to turn them gay? What harm can a gay dog do in a Thai restaurant? This kind of stupidity is starting to hurt my brain. No shirt, no brain, no service!

Erick and Jennifer Jhonson - OK, I think I need to separate the both of you before I kick both of you out. Jennifer, women have cheated on their men for years when they go off to the military. It's a standing cliché in most war movies. We get it, you were lonely and needed companionship while he was stuck with a platoon of his closest male buddies in the middle of nowhere defending your freedom to fuck around on him. OK, so admit it. Blaming it on a 3D porn? Seriously? I mean, maybe you married a man dumb enough to fall for this, for this very reason, which would be impressive forethought on your part, but, what?! Of all the things you could watch in 3D for your first time, you broke your Puritanical ways and decided to kill two birds with one stone: porn AND 3D. And aren't you lucky that you were watching a black porn actor? How embarrassing would it be having your black baby after watching a white porn star? Now THAT would be embarrassing!

Erick, dude... I'm guessing you met Jennifer in a grungy hooker bar judging by her intelligence level. I'm also guessing you were looking for a grungy hooker judging by YOUR choosing her for a wife. How are you falling for this excuse? Do you understand the basics of the birds and the bees? You can't digitize sperm, brother. What can happen is your wife watches a 3D porn with her girlfriends, they all get worked up and then go trolling for REAL men who accidentally impregnate them. You, my friend, are a douche for believing this, and i can't have you associating with my clientele. Thanks for your service, we're sorry you married a cheating dunce, but you have to do. Dismissed!

Playboy - Why, Playboy, why? Justin Bieber is retarded enough as is. He doesn't know the word "German", no one taught him to comb his hair away from his face, he thinks he can use "shawty" and still be cool. The kid is damaged, and now, you want to screw him up by having his mom pose topless?! Somehow, someway, someone is going to text him the pictures or he'll get a popup with her pictures while he's surfing for the latest on iCarly. He's going to end up seeing these pictures, and he might finally let his hair eat his face to get the image out of his head. Plus, think of the role model you are creating for those up and coming unmarried underage moms. Now, all they have to do is sit back, teach their kids to sing, YouTube them, and POW! be failures. Playboy, I'm all for what your magazine stands for, but this... THIS is just too much. Please, take the offer off the table... and take yourself out of line.

Julio Aparicio's Bull (GG) - Bull, I'm sorry for the life you ended up having to lead. Bullfighting is a truly one-sided and ghastly "sport" that is sadly kept going by useless custom. You were lucky enough to make this fight not-so-one-sided this time, and it was great to see it happen. It's too bad the matador didn't die, as you sadly had to, but do know, that he will never forget you. Congratulations on the good gore, and welcome in... we don't have any china, so it's ok.

Jennifer Knapp - Jennifer, welcome to the club. We are so happy to have you here. You took a big risk by coming out with your latest album, in that, you actually came out. You knew that you wanted to make music, and you wanted to give back to your fans, but you have to be true to yourself. The hard part is that you are a Christian musician. You know you would probably lose fans, but then again, you might game some more open-minded fans outside the genre. We are proud to have you here and good luck with your future. Come on in.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The Guest List for the Weekend of 02-April-2010

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Jesse James - Jesse, seriously what the fuck is wrong with you? First, you married a porn star. That's awesome in its own right, but it comes with some issues, particularly if you aren't in the biz as well. Apparently, she beat the ever-living shit out of you a few times. It's tough to tell if she was just always crazy and waited until you were married to let loose, or if she caught you cheating as well (if you were a porn star, it might've been different). Then, you go and marry America's sweetheart, Sandra Bullock. We "try" not to stereotype here, but it does happen on occasion. How the fuck did you pull that? You are a greasy hair motor monkey who shares a famous name and was lucky enough to convince someone to fund your stupid-ass creations on "Monster Garage". Sandra, on the other hand, is a sweet, hot (did you see the washcloth scene in "The Proposal"?), Oscar-winning actress. I mean, you got to see the washcloth scene in real life every night. What's the deal? Was it the challenge of bagging the Prom Queen? It seems you would fit better with Michelle or Brigette, so why Sandra? Man, you just suck. More than likely, you've scarred her so that she'll never trust a man ever again, even a nice guy like me. Thanks for the help, dickwad. Please step out of line and go somewhere else to do your gutter-trawling.

Brigitte Daguerre - Brigette, what are you doing here? Did you come with your "mistake", because we just booted him a minute ago. The thing we find funny is you were quoted as saying "All this attention is what I really don't like." First, no one uses the passive voice, brush up on your English. Second, from what we can tell, it seems like you stepped forward to tell your story; thus, you brought this on yourself and you MUST like the attention. Also, how did you not know he was married? I thought pretty much everyone in America knew about it for the sheer oddity of such different people hooking up. There's also Wikipedia, Google, etc. Really, that is no excuse. You just wanted to bang a pseudo-celebrity. By the way, despite you not wanting to be called a "mistress" because neither of you were in love, the definition is "A woman who has an ongoing extramarital sexual relationship with a man"... Nope, love is not a pre-requisite for mistresshood. So, get on your way. You just standing here is dumbing down the clientele.

Ricky Martin - Seriously, it took you this long to come out? You had to write your memoirs to get the nerve to confirm what everyone suspected/knew since your first single? You were in Menudo for Christ's sake. It seems we were more tolerant of you being gay than you were at the time. So, Ricky, we're gonna ask you to go home; not because you are gay, but because we knew before you did. Love yourself, man... love yourself.

RNC Hypocrites - This is just great. I was hoping to kick Michael Steele out again, but it seems there is proof that he wasn't there, just some of his colleagues. It's things like this that make me wonder how staunch Republicans can be so staunch. The same Republicans that are pro-family, pro-wholesome, and anti-gay are following a party that includes (at least) one closeted self-hating gay man and RNC people spending government money to watch women dyke it out. Don't get me wrong, a softcore S&M club sounds cool to me, but use your own money like everyone else. Oh, and Mike, get "The Jeffersons" theme out of your head, and stay at a Holiday Inn once in a while.

The Vatican - OK, Pope Palpatine, we get it. You used to be a Nazi, you might be Emperor of the Galaxy, and you aid/abet/cover up gay pedophile priests. THEN you have the shriveled up balls to chastise NYT for calling you out. That's their job. The Catholic church has been morally bankrupt and strangely powerful for far too long. Sure, there are some good grapes in the bunch, but do they make the headlines? Nope, but that's how news works. Get over it. Castrate and defrock anyone found to have diddled little kids. They don't need their junk anyways. Stand up and do something about this, or let all your secrets be spilled onto the front pages of the newspapers (well, at least while they are around). Vaticanites... you can kindly fuck right the hell off!

President Barack Obama - Barack, man, it's good to see you man up. The Dems have been a bit lackluster what with having one for as President and majorities in both the House and the Senate. Bipartisanship is a noble and worthwhile goal, but when it butts up against blind obstructionism... you need to say "We tried... Fuck it, we'll fix it without ya." That's kinda what you said in this speech, and it was awesome. You let it be known that you were frustrated with their "Do as I say, not as we did" attitude, and that despite what they might think, the bill passed, and we need to get behind it. They've certainly done the same on far more sinister issues in the past. A little humor helps. Sarcasm is a scathing mirror. It's awesome to finally see you flip them the proverbial bird, because it was necessary. You let them know that YOU are the President, and you are doing what you see fit for the country (and what most polls say the country wants as well). We'd like to welcome you to the club again and thanks for all you've done. Here's to a second term and doing what's right.

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Guest List for the Weekend of 19-March-2010

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

John Sheehan - Why am I not surprised that someone of your age in the military that you were in is afraid of gays? It's a sign of the general bigotry and prejudice we'd expect from asshats like you. It's also nice because when you say stupid shite like the Dutch army was weakened by allowing openly gay soldiers, you make it easier for those of use with sense to get our point across: that discrimination based on sexuality is so last decade. I mean, Israel allows openly gay people in their military. ISRAEL! Home of some crazy ball-bustin' fuckers from the Bible AND creators of Krav Maga, one of the most bad ass martial arts out there. Yeah, THEIR gay soldiers could probably make you bite your own ass. So please, please, PLEASE march your way back to the Senate Armed Forces Committee to keep defending your cause, because when you do, you only strengthen our point. DisMISSED!

Lee Deitrick - OK, now i'm going to say this slowly, mostly to keep from getting my ire up. Why... the FUCK... would you tattoo... a BABY?! My mind is a just big ball of "WTF?!", right now. How much and what kind of drug were you on? Did you ingest afterbirth or maybe smoke a turtle? Seriously, because you had to be on some MAJORLY fucked up shit, to do that fucked up shit. It's a baby! It had to have been crying and squirming and, and... it's a fucking baby! I just can fathom how you have managed to survive as long as you have with out someone justifiably killing you. On that note, you should go back home before our security cameras accidentally glitch, and you end up horribly (and justifiably) disfigured. - Have you no shame, creator of It's bad enough that parents are unemployed, losing houses to bad mortgages, and don't have affordable health care, but no, you have to make it worse by extending credit to KIDS! Kids who "promise" to pay it back, and if they can't, they can send you someone else's name to pay it off for them. what in the holy hell is wrong with you? This is not a market that EVER needed to be ventured into. Kids don't need credit, they need an ass-whopping the second they walk into the room asking if they can by an online gigapet and pay it off in installments. They'll be as good at that as they are at feeding the fish everyday like they promised they would. You need to get the fuck out of my line, and stay away from the kids on the way home, freak!

Liberty University Students - You do realize that just by standing in line for the club you are more than likely going to go to hell, by your rules. I'm sure you are covering something in the general vicinity, and if you are in true religious form of late, it's probably of the same gender. You also realize, I hope, that any degree you get from Liberty University (a misnomer in every sense of the word) will be worth fuck all when you graduate and have to pay off your insane student loans and support yourself in the real world. I have a question though... You are studying creationism, right? That's ONE FUCKING BOOK! How can you make an entire degree out of just one book? I'm sure you can argue that there are the interpretation of that one book, but then you aren't learning about the Bible, you are learning about what someone tells you the Bible is, what they WANT you to think it is. So, Liberty University is a brain-washing school, then? You are feeling sleepy, when you hear my fingers snap, you will come to your senses, get out of line, go home, and do something useful with your life. *SNAP*

Christina Hendricks - Christina, I do have to apologize. We are inviting you in base completely on your looks. We haven't seen "Mad Men", but we have seen your numerous spreads and red carpet appearances, and I have to admit, I'm in love. It is a purely basal, primal love, yes, but we are looking to build on that into something... more real. It might even include checking out your acting. I just think you are gorgeous. You have an amazing non-Hollywood standard body, and you are making waves with it. Well, before I make an even bigger ass out of myself, please come in, and let us stare at them you a bit. And for the rest of the guests who might be fans of Christina, you REALLY should check out the link.

Lady Gaga - I know, I know, Lady Gaga, I can't quite believe we are doing it either, BUT your last two videos haven't been too bad. Dare I say that, on a rare occasion, you even look attractive. It is possible that you are the first rejectee-cum-acceptee. If so, I am sad that you were the first to attain that honor, but it is fitting, I guess. Your video for "Bad Romance" was pretty hot, and it IS damn catchy. "Telephone" being NSFW caught the eye, and I have to say, I liked it, except for the Beyonce over-blacking herself, but you can't have everything. Please, come in, don't be too weird, and when we are done staring at Christina, we'll have a go at you. Guests, I do recommend the NSFW video behind the link.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Guest List for the Weekend of 05-March-2010

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

An abbreviated list this week, to get back in the swing of things. Enjoy!

Yevgeny Plushenko - Yevgeny... do you realize what a douche you are? In the "let's get to know Yevgeny" segment NBC had on, we got to know a little bit more about you while you were driving around what i believe was Moscow. Sure there are some people out there who like figure skating, but straight-man-to-ambiguous-man, you're excuse to come back to figure skating was retarded. you need the excitement, the adrenaline? and again, i know it's a competition, but, and i'm allowed to be an ass since it's my club, it's not like cage-fighting or soccer. it isn't head-to-head, battle of the fiercest kinda adrenaline stuff. it is, in your case, a guy who wears silk and sequins who apparently doesn't know the rules to his competition (i can do a quad so i win, wah wah WAH!) sliding around on ice flailing his arms and legs and spinning without falling down. so, instead of giving you any more undeserved podium time (platinum, may ass, comrade), i'll bid you a congratulations on your silver, here's a silk ribbon, now go play with your nesting dolls.

Sen. Roy Ashburn - OK, now saying this isn't nice, it's meant as hyperbole, but Sen. Ashburn... is EVERY Republican in office gay? i mean, you guys fight tooth and nail time and time again against gay rights and for family values, and every month or two, we find one of you slurping at glory holes or jerking strangers off on barstools. why hate yourself? just be, be happy, or be in the dark of night and don't get caught. whatever, but we're not too big on two-faced cockhead politicians trying to hold their own kind down. love yourself... just not here, in line. wait till you get home.

Noah Cyrus - How in the hell did you get out of the house this late? And what are you doing in line to my club? You're hardly a tween and there are videos of you posted online smacking your ass to akon. Now, you've put out your own lip-sync (getting practice from your sister?) video to a song far beyond your age group? What is the deal? Why? Why can't your just have age-appropriate fun? And who the fuck is that pervert/budding pedophile in the background? Seriously, you are too young to be being that fucked up. You're like the female version of the youngest member of Hanson. Go home little girl, go just, I don't know, do what normal girls do. Christ!

Rihanna - Rihanna, we'd like to welcome you to the club for wearing that dress. Yup, that's it. That's all we got. You're music is so-so, you feature and get featured with some cool people, but, yeah, you're just pretty 'round here.