Thursday, April 1, 2010

The Guest List for the Weekend of 02-April-2010

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Jesse James - Jesse, seriously what the fuck is wrong with you? First, you married a porn star. That's awesome in its own right, but it comes with some issues, particularly if you aren't in the biz as well. Apparently, she beat the ever-living shit out of you a few times. It's tough to tell if she was just always crazy and waited until you were married to let loose, or if she caught you cheating as well (if you were a porn star, it might've been different). Then, you go and marry America's sweetheart, Sandra Bullock. We "try" not to stereotype here, but it does happen on occasion. How the fuck did you pull that? You are a greasy hair motor monkey who shares a famous name and was lucky enough to convince someone to fund your stupid-ass creations on "Monster Garage". Sandra, on the other hand, is a sweet, hot (did you see the washcloth scene in "The Proposal"?), Oscar-winning actress. I mean, you got to see the washcloth scene in real life every night. What's the deal? Was it the challenge of bagging the Prom Queen? It seems you would fit better with Michelle or Brigette, so why Sandra? Man, you just suck. More than likely, you've scarred her so that she'll never trust a man ever again, even a nice guy like me. Thanks for the help, dickwad. Please step out of line and go somewhere else to do your gutter-trawling.

Brigitte Daguerre - Brigette, what are you doing here? Did you come with your "mistake", because we just booted him a minute ago. The thing we find funny is you were quoted as saying "All this attention is what I really don't like." First, no one uses the passive voice, brush up on your English. Second, from what we can tell, it seems like you stepped forward to tell your story; thus, you brought this on yourself and you MUST like the attention. Also, how did you not know he was married? I thought pretty much everyone in America knew about it for the sheer oddity of such different people hooking up. There's also Wikipedia, Google, etc. Really, that is no excuse. You just wanted to bang a pseudo-celebrity. By the way, despite you not wanting to be called a "mistress" because neither of you were in love, the definition is "A woman who has an ongoing extramarital sexual relationship with a man"... Nope, love is not a pre-requisite for mistresshood. So, get on your way. You just standing here is dumbing down the clientele.

Ricky Martin - Seriously, it took you this long to come out? You had to write your memoirs to get the nerve to confirm what everyone suspected/knew since your first single? You were in Menudo for Christ's sake. It seems we were more tolerant of you being gay than you were at the time. So, Ricky, we're gonna ask you to go home; not because you are gay, but because we knew before you did. Love yourself, man... love yourself.

RNC Hypocrites - This is just great. I was hoping to kick Michael Steele out again, but it seems there is proof that he wasn't there, just some of his colleagues. It's things like this that make me wonder how staunch Republicans can be so staunch. The same Republicans that are pro-family, pro-wholesome, and anti-gay are following a party that includes (at least) one closeted self-hating gay man and RNC people spending government money to watch women dyke it out. Don't get me wrong, a softcore S&M club sounds cool to me, but use your own money like everyone else. Oh, and Mike, get "The Jeffersons" theme out of your head, and stay at a Holiday Inn once in a while.

The Vatican - OK, Pope Palpatine, we get it. You used to be a Nazi, you might be Emperor of the Galaxy, and you aid/abet/cover up gay pedophile priests. THEN you have the shriveled up balls to chastise NYT for calling you out. That's their job. The Catholic church has been morally bankrupt and strangely powerful for far too long. Sure, there are some good grapes in the bunch, but do they make the headlines? Nope, but that's how news works. Get over it. Castrate and defrock anyone found to have diddled little kids. They don't need their junk anyways. Stand up and do something about this, or let all your secrets be spilled onto the front pages of the newspapers (well, at least while they are around). Vaticanites... you can kindly fuck right the hell off!

President Barack Obama - Barack, man, it's good to see you man up. The Dems have been a bit lackluster what with having one for as President and majorities in both the House and the Senate. Bipartisanship is a noble and worthwhile goal, but when it butts up against blind obstructionism... you need to say "We tried... Fuck it, we'll fix it without ya." That's kinda what you said in this speech, and it was awesome. You let it be known that you were frustrated with their "Do as I say, not as we did" attitude, and that despite what they might think, the bill passed, and we need to get behind it. They've certainly done the same on far more sinister issues in the past. A little humor helps. Sarcasm is a scathing mirror. It's awesome to finally see you flip them the proverbial bird, because it was necessary. You let them know that YOU are the President, and you are doing what you see fit for the country (and what most polls say the country wants as well). We'd like to welcome you to the club again and thanks for all you've done. Here's to a second term and doing what's right.


  1. This is your BEST post ever! Now you have to include BILL DONOHUE, the Catholic mouthpiece, who states that these priests were NOT pedophiles, but latent homosexuals - who "practiced" with post-pubescent boys. Crap I just want to punch him in the face SEVERAL times.

  2. POPE PALPATINE! I love this!!!

    Great post.

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