Friday, July 2, 2010

The Guest List for the Weekend of 02-July-2010

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

WOW! Those RNC lesbian bondage club partiers really know how to mess up a place. After they got booted from the club, they were hooting and hollering outside to beat the band. We rejected them, of course, so they rioted like futbol hooligans and tore the place up. then they told their buddies in law enforcement that were were a god-hating, socialist, GAY a sex club, so they shut us down for a bit. Since we are a small operation, it took some time to get the place back in working order. IT also took some work to educate said law enforcement as to how wrong the RNC was with their name calling. During reconstruction, there were some people STILL lining up to get in. Here is a highlight list of some of them which we'll share over the next few weeks. That being said, we are now open again. The club apologizes for the closure, and we appreciate your continued patronage.


Tito Ortiz - To paraphrase Johnny from Dirty Dancing, "NO ONE hits Jenna Jameson, the porn star". Dude, you are a punk. We like porn stars around here. We're sorry if they have daddy issues or drug habits, but it kinda comes with the territory (or leads to it). Still, they are the foundation of a nearly $10 billion a year industry. You are a big, bald, sissy monkey beating on (and impregnating which I'm also not happy about) a girl half your size who's the fantasy of millions of men. And what's with your pullout of The Ultimate Fighter 11? AH, poor little Tito has a neck injury and doesn't want to ruin his career. Do you remember the knee injury Nick Ring had? Do you remember how he was taking it easy for the same reason, and you hassled him to the point of you making him carry you in the Octagon on his back? Do you remember that? Well, I'm guessing it was different in your case, wasn't it? It always is. I was really looking forward to Chuck Liddell beating you in the Octagon, but they had to replace you with a better coach, a better fighter, and an all around better person with Rich Franklin. Maybe you should just tap out now.


World Cup Referees - ALL of you, out of line! I'm sorry it's a few bad eggs spoiling the bunch, but when the championship tournament comes once every four years, you need to be be at the pinnacle of your skill. It's unacceptable when four years of training, dedication, qualifiers, and more training get ruined by shitty calls... OUTLANDISH calls in some case! Granted, some bad calls were based on poor positions of the referees (England's no goal against Germany, and this joke on it). This is easily remedied by these newfangled things called video review cameras. They use them in American football and basketball. They use it in hockey and in tennis... even at Wimbledon, a staple of stubborn custom. How about the missed call against the impossibly off-sides Argentinian player who scored a game winning goal against Mexico? Possibly the worst call though, was against the USA when they were battling Slovenia. Edu scored a goal that put them on top of Slovenia that was called back due to an American foul. A GENERIC American foul, that the referee wouldn't elaborate upon. Take a look at this picture (America is in blue) and tell me who is getting fouled. You guys suck! The good ones should beat the asses of the bad ones. The bad ones should run. A red card to you all!

Justin Bieber - I understand that your mom was some sort of underage crackhead "babies having babies" on Maury Povich kinda girl, so I can understand a bit why you don't know what the word "German" is, but you can use "shawty" in just about every song. It is a testament to your generation. Seriously, WTF is wrong with you? I know your explanation post-interview was that you didn't understand his accent, which is entirely understandable in foreign countries, BUT... you looked at his card. You saw the writing on the card in his hand, pronounced the word correctly, and still said you didn't understand. Then you went so far as to say "We don't say that word in America." WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! You're Canadian! Make that clear. America does just fine making a fool of itself, what with Lady Gaga, GW Bush, Megan Fox, Sarah Palin, Lindsey Lohan, and ON and ON and ON... On that note, Justin... I'm pretty sure you'll understand. "Get the fuck out, eh!"


Thai Spice Restaurant Employees - I'm sure you guys are embarrassed by this incident, but you should REALLY be embarrassed, because this is something you'd expect to see in from the American Bible Belt or something. Australia is a far more liberal country/continent/place than the U.S. I really thought it was a word processing spell checker typo that replaced "America" with "Australia" during the editing process. Plus, how do you determine a gay dog from a straight dog? Are you afraid that the gay dogs are going to get together, march in a pride parade and try to adopt puppies to turn them gay? What harm can a gay dog do in a Thai restaurant? This kind of stupidity is starting to hurt my brain. No shirt, no brain, no service!


Erick and Jennifer Jhonson - OK, I think I need to separate the both of you before I kick both of you out. Jennifer, women have cheated on their men for years when they go off to the military. It's a standing cliché in most war movies. We get it, you were lonely and needed companionship while he was stuck with a platoon of his closest male buddies in the middle of nowhere defending your freedom to fuck around on him. OK, so admit it. Blaming it on a 3D porn? Seriously? I mean, maybe you married a man dumb enough to fall for this, for this very reason, which would be impressive forethought on your part, but, what?! Of all the things you could watch in 3D for your first time, you broke your Puritanical ways and decided to kill two birds with one stone: porn AND 3D. And aren't you lucky that you were watching a black porn actor? How embarrassing would it be having your black baby after watching a white porn star? Now THAT would be embarrassing!

Erick, dude... I'm guessing you met Jennifer in a grungy hooker bar judging by her intelligence level. I'm also guessing you were looking for a grungy hooker judging by YOUR choosing her for a wife. How are you falling for this excuse? Do you understand the basics of the birds and the bees? You can't digitize sperm, brother. What can happen is your wife watches a 3D porn with her girlfriends, they all get worked up and then go trolling for REAL men who accidentally impregnate them. You, my friend, are a douche for believing this, and i can't have you associating with my clientele. Thanks for your service, we're sorry you married a cheating dunce, but you have to do. Dismissed!


Playboy - Why, Playboy, why? Justin Bieber is retarded enough as is. He doesn't know the word "German", no one taught him to comb his hair away from his face, he thinks he can use "shawty" and still be cool. The kid is damaged, and now, you want to screw him up by having his mom pose topless?! Somehow, someway, someone is going to text him the pictures or he'll get a popup with her pictures while he's surfing for the latest on iCarly. He's going to end up seeing these pictures, and he might finally let his hair eat his face to get the image out of his head. Plus, think of the role model you are creating for those up and coming unmarried underage moms. Now, all they have to do is sit back, teach their kids to sing, YouTube them, and POW! be failures. Playboy, I'm all for what your magazine stands for, but this... THIS is just too much. Please, take the offer off the table... and take yourself out of line.



Julio Aparicio's Bull (GG) - Bull, I'm sorry for the life you ended up having to lead. Bullfighting is a truly one-sided and ghastly "sport" that is sadly kept going by useless custom. You were lucky enough to make this fight not-so-one-sided this time, and it was great to see it happen. It's too bad the matador didn't die, as you sadly had to, but do know, that he will never forget you. Congratulations on the good gore, and welcome in... we don't have any china, so it's ok.


Jennifer Knapp - Jennifer, welcome to the club. We are so happy to have you here. You took a big risk by coming out with your latest album, in that, you actually came out. You knew that you wanted to make music, and you wanted to give back to your fans, but you have to be true to yourself. The hard part is that you are a Christian musician. You know you would probably lose fans, but then again, you might game some more open-minded fans outside the genre. We are proud to have you here and good luck with your future. Come on in.

2 comments:

  1. Welcome back......you know how much I MISSED your postings. Another excellent one, can't wait for more.

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