Friday, November 6, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 6-November-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

James Conway - Rear Admiral Homophobe, what is your deal? What are you afraid of? You aren't that attractive. Maybe it's the uniform thing, but still, gays aren't out to get you. If they want to fight in the military, where's the harm. You know they are there now. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" isn't come magic barrier that keeps them from serving, if anything, it's just an added stressor on your already over-stressed soldier. Good job, fuckbag. Make their jobs harder while you sit on a bridge or in an office somewhere. From a different direction, you being a homophobe, would you WANT to know where they are? Could be the guy sitting right next to you, coveting your wrinkly prune ass. OH NO! You'll never know now, just because they might be married is nothing, look at Tom Cruise. Get over yourself and your old-man prejudices, and let willing Americans serve our country no matter their sexual orientation. There's no harm to you, and it can only help our country become stronger. Step out of line, sir, about face, and fuck off!

Joe Lieberman - Hey Cock Jockey, how in the world would no health care reform be better than a public option. Options are good, and being that they are options, no one HAS to choose them. Is it competition you don't like? I mean, us mere mortals have to pay for our health care whereas you get this kick-ass healthcare for nothing. In my mind, that means you have no fucking say AT ALL about what type of health care we have. We are paying, so we should choose. Drop your health care coverage and start paying like a normal person, then you get a say. Oh, and what's with this filibuster shit you are trying to pull. Weren't you just against filibustering, was it last year? So when it suits you, you are for it. Dick Bag, quit hopping the fence. Grow a stem-cell modified spine, and man up. Oh, and you have a huge head. Step out of line and go check with your doctor how much the procedures you need cost.

Glenn Beck - I don't know how you manage to make it in this same line week after week. When we opened this club, there were a few people we thought would be habitual rejectees, but seriously, you were well of the radar. I mean, we like to be surprised and all, but you should take a breather. Are you mistakenly trying to find the Krispy Kreme? This city doesn't have a local branch of the "Pompous Douches with Their Head's Up Their Asses" Lodge. How can you repeatedly just stumble into this line? OH, I know, it's by doing thing like referring to health care reform being more dangerous than terrorists. Do you have a former GWBush speech writer? Taking your shoes off BEFORE the plane hits the tower? Really?! I mean, maybe you were in the heat of the moment, but semantically, doing that is kinda of on par with putting on brand new Nikes, placing a purple cloth over your face, and committing suicide by ingesting cyanide. Are your 9/12ers latent Heaven's Gaters? You also state that these 9/12ers are going to town halls, and taking up their weekends reading 2,000 page health care bills. You know what that shows? Nothing. 1) I seriously doubt you could read 2,000 pages in a weekend, and 2) they are only doing this because you are force-feeding them propaganda. How about YOU read the 2,000 page health care bill (we won't mind if you have to take off filming a few shows), ACTUALLY get a grasp on it, THEN tell the crowd what you think. In the mean time, let your 9/12ers do something useful like, I don't know, spend time with their families. Actually, in your case I know it's not fair to your family, but I'm going to have to ask you to get out of line and go bother them.

Giant Penis-Eating Worms - Isn't the world bad enough with nuclear Iran, crazy Kim Jong-Il, and Glenn Beck? Now we find you, a giant penis eating worm in an aquarium in Hull. What's the world coming to? Apparently, you grow really big and eat fish, so why do you have to cross that line and feed your male partner's penis to your young? What happened to you when you were a young wormlet? Why all the hate? I also kind of wonder how you made your way into the aquarium. We may have to audit their lifeform tracking; maybe they have mermaids!!! This is a genital-friendly club. We don't like your penis-biting kind around here, so you can slither away now. Wait, how did you even get here? Nevermind!

Jesse Ventura - Mr. Ventura, it's a pleasure. I remember you from professional wrestling when I was a wee'un and you were "The Body". You went on to be Minnesota governor, and are known to have no problem expressing how you feel without sugar-coating it for the PC-inclined. Your recent comments about voting on gay marriage are spot on. Civil rights should not be influenced by people's prejudices. Too many legislators now don't see that, only wanting to do right by the prejudices of their constituents just so they can get re-elected. Thanks for stepping forward, thus putting those officials and voters in the spotlight, highlighting their general ignorance and bigotry. Welcome in, Mr. Ventura, and have a good time.

We'll call you "Goose" - We here at the club don't know your name, you almost got rejected for stupidity, but we'd like to let you in for sheer ballsiness. Even if it was an accident, you now have a story that will go down in your family lore for ages. When you felt that bone-jarring force of the ejection seat pushing you into the empty blue sky... that had to be one of the biggest "OH SHIT!" moments in history. We're glad to see your survived and haven't been incarcerated, so welcome in, and with that story, I doubt you'll have to buy a beer all night.

1 comment:

  1. Exceptional, as usual. What's with the penis eating thing? I missed that one, so will have to follow the link. Miss ya guy!