Friday, November 13, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 13-November-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Rep. Tom Price - Dude, you are just a dick! And whoever that old dude chairing this (yeah, I'm not too much into names) is, should be done with too. There is no way he should have allowed you to continue disrupting proceedings in the manner you did. OK, you object, once maybe twice, fine; but objecting before they've even said anything to object against? WTF ballbag?! I bet when you were a kid you stuck your fingers in your ears and whined "LA LA LA LA" whenever you were told to do something. Grow up geezer. This is SUPPOSED to be adult politics. I seriously think you need a "Trading Places" wake up call (Eddie Murphy/Dan Akroyd "Trading Places", not that home show). Rep. Price, "I REJECT!"

Sarah Palin - Lady, you're like the cougar version of Paris Hilton circa '07-'08. You pretty much make sure someone's around, turn off your brain, and see what falls out of your mouth (though sometimes Paris let things fall into it as well). Barring the media, recorders, and CELL PHONES from a speech you are giving says a lot about the validity of the shite that you are going to make up. You were smart enough to not SAY death panels, but you weren't smart enough to not bring up the fallacious idea in the first place. And a coin conspiracy? Moving "In God We Trust" to the side of coin is pretty cool. I'm sure you're a bit xenophobic (that's the fear of things that are different or foreign), but the British pound coin has had side inscriptions for a long time, which actually made it a collectors piece for me. Plus how many people really use dollar coins? All of this, despite the fact that the club thinks that having such a motto is discriminatory and patently wrong. This motto was created after the Civil War when the country was in the shite. We've (well some of us) have grown and matured and *GASP* evolved to a point where religion isn't needed as much to make us feel happy. The national motto should be INclusive, not EXclusive, and there are far more non-believers out there than you might be comfortable with knowing. But I digress, what I mean to say is you're kinda dumb, kinda hot, and kinda kicked out of the club. Buh bye!

Chris Brown - Hey woman beater, what are you doing in MY line? I cannot believe you have the balls to wish that Rhianna had kept quiet about the beating? You BEAT HER in public! Your puny, insecure, hardly-talented shitehead of a self, had to feel good by beating up a girl IN PUBLIC. Nothing about this should be private. You should be called out for this shitsack that you are. Domestic abuse is unacceptable. Simple as that. You did, you should have to wear that badge that you are man enough to hit a woman. I'm sure the thugs think really highly of you. You SO deserve this and more. All I have to say is you should keep your head down and bolt before someone recognizes you. If they do, we might have to turn our backs so you can keep it a "private matter".

Goldman Sachs - You guys are booted just for stoking the fire. Who the fuck didn't know that health care reform would hurt private insurers? Of course it would, and it SHOULD. Anyone knows that if you don't provide a service but charge people you are going to make mad cash. Then if you get caught and actually have to provide said service, then you are going to make less mad cash, because, oh damn, you're actually going to have to do your job. The insurance companies should be non- or not-for-profit organizations. Competition will help in streamlining a bloated system full of fat cats hiding in middle management positions saying "NO!" to policy holders who deserve to hear "YES!" On a side note, when this here bouncer was in college, he had a friend taking a course, "How to lie by using charts". That is, the data was honest and truthful, but how it was presented told the lie that was never said. For example, look at this graph Goldman had in their report (click for larger). On first glance, what do you see? I see that after 2013, health care insurers are going to start losing money, going in debt, so they won't be able to provide services, and we'll all turn into zombies, and that is bad. All this graph really shows is that after 2013, they are going to insure twice as many people, and only make half the PROFIT! It's a misleading graph for that very reason. So Goldman Sachs, for being general buttwads and trying to confuse the matter further without making any beneficial strides, get outta my line before someone gives you a reason to use your health insurance.

Sean Hannity - Man, you are one funny dude. What you are doing is called "damage control", and we can all see it. You got caught trying to forge the news as usual. Just own up. Trying to pass it off as an innocent mistake that anyone could make MIGHT pass on some other networks, but with all the unfairness and imbalance your network has, it is just that you got caught doing what you always do. You bend the truth to fit your beliefs, which is completely ass backwards by the way. It's also funny that you tried to condescend to The Daily Show viewers by thanking them for watching. Now, there are at least two reasons they watch. 1) Crazy people are fun to watch. The delusions, the persecution, the complete lack of logic and rationality... it's just so foreign. They are are watch-dogging you, doing their very best to call you out on all the aforementioned character flaws and in doing so, hopefully making a few viewers at a time come to THEIR senses. 2) They are actually being fair and balanced. they are looking at all options, all views, all opinions, then throwing them in the brain to calculate and deduce what they find to be most reasonable. You are always going to be right if you only look at half the story. Looking at the whole dilly-yo, and then coming to new conclusions, changing ideas, thoughts, and possible false preconceptions... now that's the sign of an intelligent person who's not afraid of change in the face of truth. I know you don't understand, so just go home, look up the big words, and maybe put some rubber sheets on the bed.

Carrie Prejean - Holy fuck Carrie, are you a Stepford child? This is a generalization, but girls who drop out of a party school to go to a Christian school so they can study on Friday night and not be pressured to drink typically don't make sex tapes, pose for naked pictures, and get breast implants. There are two totally different people, so maybe you have multiple personality disorder, or maybe you are just a tramp who knew you weren't the trampiest at your party school, so you tried taking the back door (hah) by going with the hot-as-hell-but-pure route to get into pageants to feel some self-worth. And what's with you thinking that the Bible doesn't forbid breast implants. I'm sure you're talking New Testament because the OT pretty much rules out ANYTHING cool. Have you even read the Bible, I mean, really. I'm personally in the middle of it, and it's nuts! Did you know that in Leviticus it says we aren't supposed to cut our hair? How fucked up is that? Yet, you're using this crazy book as a justification for breast implants. You are a piece of work, seriously. I'd like to let you in, you are hot, but you might have a psychotic break and take out all my other customers, and that would be bad. Strut your way home, and be careful of the demons out there.

Mahmoud Vahidnia - Earlier, the club kicked Chris Brown out for having the balls to ask that him being an abuser be kept quiet. THAT was an insult. You, on the other hand, have balls for publically calling out Ayatollah Ali Khamenei for being a total douche. That is awesome! You could be thrown in prison for that! Just for questioning his actions. Nerds rule! I'm sure you have some sort of getaway rocket just in case, but still. Some say that there haven't been any repercussions to show that Iran is a just country welcoming criticism. The funny thing is, just saying that, proves that they aren't. Good on you, man. Come on into the club and relax. We have chai and shisha in the back.

The Piano Stairs Guys - This is some creative stuff right here. You take a bit of wiring, some black and white material, pressure sensors and speakers, and what do you get? Improvisational exercise. This is more of what the world needs. Sadly, we have to be forced to get up off our couches or to even take a flight of stairs rather than an escalator. But if that's what it takes, and it gets someone even a bit healthier, all the more power to you. Come on in, and uh, if you get bored, can we get a set of those installed to the second floor?

The club must apologize. Our opening schedule is going to be erratic through Thanksgiving. The head bouncer is traveling and instead of being an exclusive prick, he's trying to experience life a bit. This isn't to say there won't be updates, but he can't guarantee them or that they'll be on time. The club again apologizes for this, and we hope to keep you as a faithful patron during this restructuring. Thanks.



  1. OMG - this is your best post yet!! You're the bomb. Can't wait to see you in TWO WEEKS!!!!

  2. Actually, the coin changes that Sarah Palin complained about in that speech were OK'd by the Bush administration.

    Sometimes I feel like I'm living in the Idiocracy movie.