The Guest List for the Weekend of 6-November-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

James Conway - Rear Admiral Homophobe, what is your deal? What are you afraid of? You aren't that attractive. Maybe it's the uniform thing, but still, gays aren't out to get you. If they want to fight in the military, where's the harm. You know they are there now. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" isn't come magic barrier that keeps them from serving, if anything, it's just an added stressor on your already over-stressed soldier. Good job, fuckbag. Make their jobs harder while you sit on a bridge or in an office somewhere. From a different direction, you being a homophobe, would you WANT to know where they are? Could be the guy sitting right next to you, coveting your wrinkly prune ass. OH NO! You'll never know now, just because they might be married is nothing, look at Tom Cruise. Get over yourself and your old-man prejudices, and let willing Americans serve our country no matter their sexual orientation. There's no harm to you, and it can only help our country become stronger. Step out of line, sir, about face, and fuck off!

Joe Lieberman - Hey Cock Jockey, how in the world would no health care reform be better than a public option. Options are good, and being that they are options, no one HAS to choose them. Is it competition you don't like? I mean, us mere mortals have to pay for our health care whereas you get this kick-ass healthcare for nothing. In my mind, that means you have no fucking say AT ALL about what type of health care we have. We are paying, so we should choose. Drop your health care coverage and start paying like a normal person, then you get a say. Oh, and what's with this filibuster shit you are trying to pull. Weren't you just against filibustering, was it last year? So when it suits you, you are for it. Dick Bag, quit hopping the fence. Grow a stem-cell modified spine, and man up. Oh, and you have a huge head. Step out of line and go check with your doctor how much the procedures you need cost.

Glenn Beck - I don't know how you manage to make it in this same line week after week. When we opened this club, there were a few people we thought would be habitual rejectees, but seriously, you were well of the radar. I mean, we like to be surprised and all, but you should take a breather. Are you mistakenly trying to find the Krispy Kreme? This city doesn't have a local branch of the "Pompous Douches with Their Head's Up Their Asses" Lodge. How can you repeatedly just stumble into this line? OH, I know, it's by doing thing like referring to health care reform being more dangerous than terrorists. Do you have a former GWBush speech writer? Taking your shoes off BEFORE the plane hits the tower? Really?! I mean, maybe you were in the heat of the moment, but semantically, doing that is kinda of on par with putting on brand new Nikes, placing a purple cloth over your face, and committing suicide by ingesting cyanide. Are your 9/12ers latent Heaven's Gaters? You also state that these 9/12ers are going to town halls, and taking up their weekends reading 2,000 page health care bills. You know what that shows? Nothing. 1) I seriously doubt you could read 2,000 pages in a weekend, and 2) they are only doing this because you are force-feeding them propaganda. How about YOU read the 2,000 page health care bill (we won't mind if you have to take off filming a few shows), ACTUALLY get a grasp on it, THEN tell the crowd what you think. In the mean time, let your 9/12ers do something useful like, I don't know, spend time with their families. Actually, in your case I know it's not fair to your family, but I'm going to have to ask you to get out of line and go bother them.

Giant Penis-Eating Worms - Isn't the world bad enough with nuclear Iran, crazy Kim Jong-Il, and Glenn Beck? Now we find you, a giant penis eating worm in an aquarium in Hull. What's the world coming to? Apparently, you grow really big and eat fish, so why do you have to cross that line and feed your male partner's penis to your young? What happened to you when you were a young wormlet? Why all the hate? I also kind of wonder how you made your way into the aquarium. We may have to audit their lifeform tracking; maybe they have mermaids!!! This is a genital-friendly club. We don't like your penis-biting kind around here, so you can slither away now. Wait, how did you even get here? Nevermind!

Jesse Ventura - Mr. Ventura, it's a pleasure. I remember you from professional wrestling when I was a wee'un and you were "The Body". You went on to be Minnesota governor, and are known to have no problem expressing how you feel without sugar-coating it for the PC-inclined. Your recent comments about voting on gay marriage are spot on. Civil rights should not be influenced by people's prejudices. Too many legislators now don't see that, only wanting to do right by the prejudices of their constituents just so they can get re-elected. Thanks for stepping forward, thus putting those officials and voters in the spotlight, highlighting their general ignorance and bigotry. Welcome in, Mr. Ventura, and have a good time.

We'll call you "Goose" - We here at the club don't know your name, you almost got rejected for stupidity, but we'd like to let you in for sheer ballsiness. Even if it was an accident, you now have a story that will go down in your family lore for ages. When you felt that bone-jarring force of the ejection seat pushing you into the empty blue sky... that had to be one of the biggest "OH SHIT!" moments in history. We're glad to see your survived and haven't been incarcerated, so welcome in, and with that story, I doubt you'll have to buy a beer all night.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 23-October-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Dante Wesley - Dude, you need to lay of the steroids! When your 'roid rage strikes out on the field during a televised game, people are going to start suspecting things. With 10 seconds left in the half, odds are against a full-field run back, just wait for the guy to catch the ball and wrap him up, one play and go to the locker room. God damn man! You left your feet (illegal) and aimed for the head (illegal) of a defenseless player (illegal). That's how people get career-ending injuries. What was going through your head when you did this? Christ! All you are is a cheap-shotting mofo. Slowly, step out of line and walk with your head hung low back to the locker room. Actually, you might want to keep your eyes up. I think we have some Bucs fans in line, and there are a lot of shadows along this street.

Keith Bardwell - Hey racist dickhead... What is your job again? Justice of the Peace, yeah? That means, as part of your job, you have to sign marriage licenses. STOP! That's it. No justifications, no prejudices, no injecting your own thoughts or concerns into the deal. Just about the only things you could REASONABLY not sign the license is if one of the parties is intoxicated or maybe bound and gagged with duct tape (but even then, you might have to in case they are into BDSM... ask if the bound party wants to use the safety word). It doesn't matter if you think their children are going to have a hard time in society. What if a white couple's baby is born with a sever birth defect. That child will have a hard time in society... so you shouldn't've married them? Trying to hide behind you having black friends is no excuse either. You let them "use [your] bathroom". My, how 1960's of you! You're also quoted as saying you try to treat everyone equally... Hold on, I think I'm having an aneurysm. WTF?! Do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth and if you do, do you understand them? They certainly aren't matching up with your actions. So, typical southern bigot, step aside. I'm going to have to deny you entry, we have some concern for your safety inside.

Somali Islamists - Ok, boys, put down the whips. You are in the USofA now, and they may be considered weapons. Now what the fuck is the deal with you whipping ladies for wearing bras? Are you that sexually frustrated that you see the shape of a boob, and you (maybe) get a hard-on, so you must whip the girl, despite it being your fault you can't control your urges. Pass the buck, that's the name of the game. Women must cover themselves and be modest for no better reason than you can't be trusted to think of baseball instead of boobies. Get a life, kids. Speaking as a guy who knows how to control his urges AND likes looking at women, have you SEEN the Victoria's Secret catalog? Come on, it's a work of art! Bras are fantastic. Granted, the Miracle Bra is a bit of false advertising, but still. There's lacy ones, sheer ones, seamless ones, strapless ones, transformer ones, ones with holes strategically designed in them... Sorry, I got caught up in the moment. Seriously, you guys need to go home and think long and hard about if you are whipping the right person. Next time you feel an "urge" go out back and flog yourself, ya weak shits! Go home. **whispering** bras, panties, things, garters, oh my. We'll see if that gets 'em!.

Missionaries - Now, from that link, rejecting all missionaries is a it of a stretch, but here's how I rationalize it. It's my club, and you are assholes! There. No, but seriously, I've always hated the idea of missioning (?). I know of some people, under the false pretense of another occupation, are "spreading the word of god" in countries where missionaries are illegal. I wouldn't mind if they got caught. See, you certainly do good things, help build roads, houses, schools, and educate, but you also build them churches. As soon as the steeple goes up, the altruism vaporizes. You aren't doing this for them, you are doing this for your church, to keep up the people count. If you just did you good deeds and went, we'd be SOOO cool. You can tell them about your religion (if you must), but then you should also tell them about your premature ejaculation problem or how you felt awkward climbing the rope in gym class. They all of the same level of importance to this person you are trying to "help", so if you don't mind telling them about your problems... ok, go ahead and talk, but don't preach, don't proselytize, just be nice, do, an leave. As usual when it comes to religion and missionaries, I've become a bit long-winded. Rounding back to the point I've been meaning to make, there are Christian churches in Africa that were missioned and left. That's it. Apparently, there's been no upkeep, no reinforcement, so they are intermingling the Christianity your predecessors brought them with their previous beliefs. Now, this might sounds familiar. This is what Christianity did, as well. More than likely Jesus wasn't born on 25-December or it would be a strange coincidence considering far older religions and beliefs held this day to be special. Christianity squashed the other religions and picked out the good things they had and made them it's own... like these African churches. Having left them to their own devices, now they are killing children they deem "witches" during exorcisms, all for a high cost (even if they fail). So, I shall step down off my milk crate, and say, missionaries, your predecessors' work has killed children in Africa this day, and your work may do the same in the future. I'm just sick of it. Try being TRULY altruistic, and maybe we'll talk. Be done with you.

Health Insurance Companies - You have lived of the fat of the land for so long, your brain is clogged with the stuff. How can rape POSSIBLY be a pre-existing condition?! It's RAPE for fuck sake! Is being shot a pre-existing condition ("Apparently this man likes to hang around the wrong end of guns")? Is being burnt in a house fire a pre-existing condition ("If he was faster, he would've been OK")? Being raped is traumatic enough, then having the fear of AIDS or some other STD or getting pregnant. Now it's come to light that you pile on another fear... you won't pay for their care or, even worse, you might not insure them at all in the future. EVEN if they are HIV-, just the fact that they've taken anti-HIV drugs? Holy clusterfuck of stupidity, Batman! Do your jobs, just do your FUCKING jobs! You job is to insure people. Some are going to be more expensive, others will hardly use it at all. THAT is your job. Your job IS NOT to get rich by denying claims, denying coverage, and upping premiums so you can go to the fucking casino in a private jet and piss it all away! FUCK! Get your priorities straight! Get your HEAD straight! Get outta my face, or I might have to straighten your head for you.

Glenn Beck - Welcome back to the rejection line! Someday we might pity you enough to let you maybe have a LOOK inside, but you gotta get off the drugs or ON your meds. How is the President encouraging volunteering a bad thing? Is it because no one is going to make money on it? Oh no, capitalism NOT being injected into every facet of America, OH NO! It doesn't hurt to volunteer. Our society, as a whole, has been somehow converted to a "nothing comes free" attitude. Chores that kids once were "required" to do in order to go play are now recompensed with an allowance. You say Americans are the most generous people in the world. You also think we have the best health care in the world, which is emphatically wrong and can be backed up with data. American pride shouldn't obscure the truth. THAT is a communist outlook, THAT is more like Mao's China and 1984. I'd like to think Americans are generous, but I'm not even sure how to quantify that. I guess we could count the increase in the homeless population every year, or how many people are kicked out of their houses, or how many people suffer because of poor or no health care coverage. Yeah, by that note, I don't think we are very generous, but maybe you are thinking about the money you put in the offering tray on Sunday. When was the last time you did something "generous"? And it has to be the dictionary definition, not some over-inflated sense of self-importance definition of generous like you DIDN'T run over the guy who was in the crosswalk. From your segment (and I'm guessing it was a slow news day as this really isn't worthy of the airtime), I'm guessing you are just a lazy fuck and don't want people picking on your like they did in grade school when they point out that you can't be bothered to help your fellow man without compensation. You, sir, have proven yet again, that you are the king of asshats by trying to put a bad spin on a good initiative. Go... just go!

John Kanzius (GG) - John, your story is amazing. Given your background and the desire to fight to live, you created a machine to help you fight terminal leukemia. The theories were sound, and your work is going to be carried on. The future looks promising particularly using the gold nano-particles which maybe you should've tried. It's too bad that it wasn't perfected in time, but it's possible you could be seen as a hero and pioneer in cancer treatments in the future. Welcome in, and we just want to say thanks for the hope.

Nathaniel Kassel - Dude, you are funny. I never would've thought to high-five people trying to wave down taxis. It's unique, funny, and in most cases, it brought a smile to the faces of the people who were "fived". There was the case of the one guy who tried to chase you (come on, bike versus running in a business suit and loafers?), but on the whole, it looked like people enjoyed the experience once they'd realized what happened. Thanks for spreading some cheer in an original way. Come on in, and so that same (but maybe without the bike).

Gay Wilkinson - Nothing says fun like heavy metal and explosives. I don't know where you got the idea, but I can tell there has been some fine tuning (like the steno pad glued to the anvil as a gasket... were there side blowouts?). Still, it looks like a fun thing to see in person. We'd like you to come in and tell us how you came up with the idea, and hopefully a funny stories about the testing. MAYBE we can set up a test area out back, but that might have to wait for next week.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 21-August-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Due to unforeseen circumstances (lack of internet connection), the club had to close a bit early this week, so we weren't able to reject as many people as our exclusive club is wont to do. here's to next week.

Glenn Beck (starting at 00:40) - You're back? AGAIN!? Come on, didn't you get enough abuse over losing your sponsors? This week, we saw JUST how much of a sellout punk you are. Since April, you've been ranting and raving about how America has the best health care in the world. I'm guessing these thoughts are bought-and-paid-for by your employer, FOX News. in January of '08, you were then employed by CNN and decided to do an exposé on the health care system from the perspective of your own hemorrhoid surgery. In that piece, you tell about how your surgery went "horribly awry", and how "getting well in this country, could actually... kill you". Just because you have the big foam #1 finger and wear all your favorite team's apparel, sadly, doesn't make your favorite team the #1 team. We AREN'T, in fact, the best health care in the world. According to the World Health Organization's 2000 study (they haven't done it again due to complexity... also, since we haven't had health care reform since then, I doubt the numbers have changed much, if at all, for the better), we come in around 37th place in quality of health care (with most of sometimes-socialized Europe ahead of us). Another fact that you might NOT find so surprising, is that we rank #1 in cost of health care among industrialized nations (#2 among all nations). You, sir, again prove that you are an idiot with no spine and, more than likely, no original thoughts of your own. Why don't you go over next to that dumpster and take a look at this and this, and then, MAYBE, if you apologize nicely, we might let you in in about a year or so. if you try to get in again without apologizing, i foresee another visit to the "excellent" health care system you (now) love so much.

Pamela Pilger - You are a perfect definition of the word, "douchebag". A Jewish man speaks his peace about health care, not pro- or anti-Obama but health care, and you can think of nothing more intelligent to rebut him besides "Heil Hitler!". Really?! You don't have any better ammo than a WWII pro-hate invective that symbolizes the ethnic cleansing of millions of Jews that has absolutely ZERO to do with the topic? It really helps if you know what you are talking about before you publicly make an ass out of yourself. With camera phones being as prevalent as they are nowadays, we all need to think before we speak or act, maybe a little more than we did before, because it will undoubtedly end up on youtube. You should step out of line (since you already WERE out of line) before we have to drag you down the street by your "Israeli Defense Forces" t-shirt. Seriously, WTF?!

Christian Rossiter - Buddy, I'm proud of you for fighting for control of the one thing that is truly ours... life. I'm a proponent for assisted suicide/euthanasia. if counseling can't change your mind, and you are in pain, terminal, or in your case, trapped in your own body... I say, all the power to you. I wish you the best, and despite the starving thing, I read you are allowing liquid to take pain meds, so why don't you have a beer on the house.

Barney Frank - Barney... You'z one crazy muthafucka. Really! I've been called an asshole a time or two, but I try to shoot straight from the hip as often as I can. That speech impediment of your makes me want to chuckle sometimes, but luckily, you seem smart enough to overcome sounding like the comedic relief for a two-bit comedy/western. I do like you, I like what you say, and I like how you say it (you know what I mean). You put this woman in her place. Democrats fighting for health care reform are trying to be the bigger person, but sometimes that just doesn't work on people whose brains never progressed beyond Freud's anal stage. Yelling over each other isn't working, rationalization isn't working, but apparently "fear-mongering" on the part of the Republicans is. Instead of making a personal attack, you pointed out a lack of, at best, understanding, and at worst, intelligence/education. If that's what it comes to, I think you are the guy to do it, and I'm sure you'll be panned for being "rude", but come on... what other choice do you have when the people are being flash-mob rude themselves. So Barney, I say, "Good on ya". Now, come on in. I got a table waiting for ya.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 7-August-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all thumbnails are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Glenn Beck - when you call someone a racist (in the sense of a half-black man being racist against white people) and then in the same interview, almost the same breath, say "I'm not saying he doesn't like white people"... seriously, what is going on that head of yours? is there actual cognition or is it just rapid reflex synapses firing whatever pops onto your tongue? go faux-cry in the back alley, maybe you'll make a friend.

Orly Taitz - this may sound a bit racist (and it's not), but to hear someone with such a thick accent and high-pitched squeal try to fight on the wrong side of citizenship is almost aneurysm-inducing. and to op it off, she's a "lawyer", realtor, and dentist (WTF?!). ever hear of "jack of all trades, master of none"? unde este common sense? (romanian for "where's the common sense?)

Lady Gaga - - every time i see her, i want to claw my eyes out. if she stayed in the studio that she records her music in for life, then i could tolerate her, but she has such an inferiority complex that she'll be a flash in the pan, that she has to dress like this... and the LATEST... she just might be a hermaphrodite.

Pat Buchanan - you haven't seen a white man so "scared" of black people since the 50's. i'm pretty sure it is impossible to be "oppressed" when you are the majority, and even if you aren't the majority, if you have all the power. congress is 83% male, 85% caucasian, and 99% christian/protestant. the SCOTUS has been 97.3% male, 97.3% white, and 82% christian/protestant.the POTUS has been 98.6% caucasian (given he's half-black), 100% male, and seemingly 100% christian/protestant. this is pretty much the entire U.S. government. there's no way in hell you can feel prejudiced against as a white, god-believing male. person-to-person cases, OK, but as the collective you claim... get the fukk out of line!

T-Pain, Akon, Kanye... anyone using Auto-Tune AS music - you can't sing. just live with it. over-using auto-tune isn't creative, it's the musical equivalent of coming out of the closet. AND it's hip-hop. you don't sing in hip-hop anyways. you have a producer come up with a catchy beat, sample another FAR more famous and talented artist, and then you talk over it in various loosely-based rhymes. take your crunk and go home.

The "Auto-Tune the News" Crew - this is one instance when Auto-Tune is ok. why, you ask? because they are taking the piss. they are taking current events and making a good joke out of them. and who knew katie co was such a good Auto-Tune singer. go on in.... SHORTAAAY!