Friday, October 23, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 23-October-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Dante Wesley - Dude, you need to lay of the steroids! When your 'roid rage strikes out on the field during a televised game, people are going to start suspecting things. With 10 seconds left in the half, odds are against a full-field run back, just wait for the guy to catch the ball and wrap him up, one play and go to the locker room. God damn man! You left your feet (illegal) and aimed for the head (illegal) of a defenseless player (illegal). That's how people get career-ending injuries. What was going through your head when you did this? Christ! All you are is a cheap-shotting mofo. Slowly, step out of line and walk with your head hung low back to the locker room. Actually, you might want to keep your eyes up. I think we have some Bucs fans in line, and there are a lot of shadows along this street.

Keith Bardwell - Hey racist dickhead... What is your job again? Justice of the Peace, yeah? That means, as part of your job, you have to sign marriage licenses. STOP! That's it. No justifications, no prejudices, no injecting your own thoughts or concerns into the deal. Just about the only things you could REASONABLY not sign the license is if one of the parties is intoxicated or maybe bound and gagged with duct tape (but even then, you might have to in case they are into BDSM... ask if the bound party wants to use the safety word). It doesn't matter if you think their children are going to have a hard time in society. What if a white couple's baby is born with a sever birth defect. That child will have a hard time in society... so you shouldn't've married them? Trying to hide behind you having black friends is no excuse either. You let them "use [your] bathroom". My, how 1960's of you! You're also quoted as saying you try to treat everyone equally... Hold on, I think I'm having an aneurysm. WTF?! Do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth and if you do, do you understand them? They certainly aren't matching up with your actions. So, typical southern bigot, step aside. I'm going to have to deny you entry, we have some concern for your safety inside.

Somali Islamists - Ok, boys, put down the whips. You are in the USofA now, and they may be considered weapons. Now what the fuck is the deal with you whipping ladies for wearing bras? Are you that sexually frustrated that you see the shape of a boob, and you (maybe) get a hard-on, so you must whip the girl, despite it being your fault you can't control your urges. Pass the buck, that's the name of the game. Women must cover themselves and be modest for no better reason than you can't be trusted to think of baseball instead of boobies. Get a life, kids. Speaking as a guy who knows how to control his urges AND likes looking at women, have you SEEN the Victoria's Secret catalog? Come on, it's a work of art! Bras are fantastic. Granted, the Miracle Bra is a bit of false advertising, but still. There's lacy ones, sheer ones, seamless ones, strapless ones, transformer ones, ones with holes strategically designed in them... Sorry, I got caught up in the moment. Seriously, you guys need to go home and think long and hard about if you are whipping the right person. Next time you feel an "urge" go out back and flog yourself, ya weak shits! Go home. **whispering** bras, panties, things, garters, oh my. We'll see if that gets 'em!.

Missionaries - Now, from that link, rejecting all missionaries is a it of a stretch, but here's how I rationalize it. It's my club, and you are assholes! There. No, but seriously, I've always hated the idea of missioning (?). I know of some people, under the false pretense of another occupation, are "spreading the word of god" in countries where missionaries are illegal. I wouldn't mind if they got caught. See, you certainly do good things, help build roads, houses, schools, and educate, but you also build them churches. As soon as the steeple goes up, the altruism vaporizes. You aren't doing this for them, you are doing this for your church, to keep up the people count. If you just did you good deeds and went, we'd be SOOO cool. You can tell them about your religion (if you must), but then you should also tell them about your premature ejaculation problem or how you felt awkward climbing the rope in gym class. They all of the same level of importance to this person you are trying to "help", so if you don't mind telling them about your problems... ok, go ahead and talk, but don't preach, don't proselytize, just be nice, do, an leave. As usual when it comes to religion and missionaries, I've become a bit long-winded. Rounding back to the point I've been meaning to make, there are Christian churches in Africa that were missioned and left. That's it. Apparently, there's been no upkeep, no reinforcement, so they are intermingling the Christianity your predecessors brought them with their previous beliefs. Now, this might sounds familiar. This is what Christianity did, as well. More than likely Jesus wasn't born on 25-December or it would be a strange coincidence considering far older religions and beliefs held this day to be special. Christianity squashed the other religions and picked out the good things they had and made them it's own... like these African churches. Having left them to their own devices, now they are killing children they deem "witches" during exorcisms, all for a high cost (even if they fail). So, I shall step down off my milk crate, and say, missionaries, your predecessors' work has killed children in Africa this day, and your work may do the same in the future. I'm just sick of it. Try being TRULY altruistic, and maybe we'll talk. Be done with you.

Health Insurance Companies - You have lived of the fat of the land for so long, your brain is clogged with the stuff. How can rape POSSIBLY be a pre-existing condition?! It's RAPE for fuck sake! Is being shot a pre-existing condition ("Apparently this man likes to hang around the wrong end of guns")? Is being burnt in a house fire a pre-existing condition ("If he was faster, he would've been OK")? Being raped is traumatic enough, then having the fear of AIDS or some other STD or getting pregnant. Now it's come to light that you pile on another fear... you won't pay for their care or, even worse, you might not insure them at all in the future. EVEN if they are HIV-, just the fact that they've taken anti-HIV drugs? Holy clusterfuck of stupidity, Batman! Do your jobs, just do your FUCKING jobs! You job is to insure people. Some are going to be more expensive, others will hardly use it at all. THAT is your job. Your job IS NOT to get rich by denying claims, denying coverage, and upping premiums so you can go to the fucking casino in a private jet and piss it all away! FUCK! Get your priorities straight! Get your HEAD straight! Get outta my face, or I might have to straighten your head for you.

Glenn Beck - Welcome back to the rejection line! Someday we might pity you enough to let you maybe have a LOOK inside, but you gotta get off the drugs or ON your meds. How is the President encouraging volunteering a bad thing? Is it because no one is going to make money on it? Oh no, capitalism NOT being injected into every facet of America, OH NO! It doesn't hurt to volunteer. Our society, as a whole, has been somehow converted to a "nothing comes free" attitude. Chores that kids once were "required" to do in order to go play are now recompensed with an allowance. You say Americans are the most generous people in the world. You also think we have the best health care in the world, which is emphatically wrong and can be backed up with data. American pride shouldn't obscure the truth. THAT is a communist outlook, THAT is more like Mao's China and 1984. I'd like to think Americans are generous, but I'm not even sure how to quantify that. I guess we could count the increase in the homeless population every year, or how many people are kicked out of their houses, or how many people suffer because of poor or no health care coverage. Yeah, by that note, I don't think we are very generous, but maybe you are thinking about the money you put in the offering tray on Sunday. When was the last time you did something "generous"? And it has to be the dictionary definition, not some over-inflated sense of self-importance definition of generous like you DIDN'T run over the guy who was in the crosswalk. From your segment (and I'm guessing it was a slow news day as this really isn't worthy of the airtime), I'm guessing you are just a lazy fuck and don't want people picking on your like they did in grade school when they point out that you can't be bothered to help your fellow man without compensation. You, sir, have proven yet again, that you are the king of asshats by trying to put a bad spin on a good initiative. Go... just go!

John Kanzius (GG) - John, your story is amazing. Given your background and the desire to fight to live, you created a machine to help you fight terminal leukemia. The theories were sound, and your work is going to be carried on. The future looks promising particularly using the gold nano-particles which maybe you should've tried. It's too bad that it wasn't perfected in time, but it's possible you could be seen as a hero and pioneer in cancer treatments in the future. Welcome in, and we just want to say thanks for the hope.

Nathaniel Kassel - Dude, you are funny. I never would've thought to high-five people trying to wave down taxis. It's unique, funny, and in most cases, it brought a smile to the faces of the people who were "fived". There was the case of the one guy who tried to chase you (come on, bike versus running in a business suit and loafers?), but on the whole, it looked like people enjoyed the experience once they'd realized what happened. Thanks for spreading some cheer in an original way. Come on in, and so that same (but maybe without the bike).

Gay Wilkinson - Nothing says fun like heavy metal and explosives. I don't know where you got the idea, but I can tell there has been some fine tuning (like the steno pad glued to the anvil as a gasket... were there side blowouts?). Still, it looks like a fun thing to see in person. We'd like you to come in and tell us how you came up with the idea, and hopefully a funny stories about the testing. MAYBE we can set up a test area out back, but that might have to wait for next week.


  1. Very good list! Rape as a pre-existing condition is just so stupid it's beyond words. What's really stupid about that is if the rapist gets put in jail and he has AIDS the state would have to pay all his medical bills. So you would have the victim with no care and the asshat with complete coverage paid by the American people. Makes you wonder about our priorities.

  2. That "hit" by Dante Wesley was unforgiveable. And then he had the balls to run up and down the sidelines - like "that was his job!" Kudos to the Ref for kicking him out of the game.

    And I can definitely see you "high fiving" those hailing taxis in a big city!! It is SOOOOOO you! Again, a great list.