Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 9-October-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - Mahmoud, are you a Jew? I mean, really, you can tell me. See, because I'm a fairly rational person, I don't have a problem with you being a Jew... or a Buddhist, a Muslim, a Satanist, whatever you want as long as you don't hurt anyone or anything. From this article, though, it looks like you family converted is Islam from Judaism soon after your birth. You were born a Jew, and you know what that is? It's just a descriptor, just a word on a piece of paper. If we took your blood and analyzed it, nowhere would we find evidence of you being Jewish or Muslim, just that you are human, like we all are. So, don't hate just because of a title. You don't need to over-compensate. It is rumored that Hitler was 1/4 Jew, and that is what led to the Holocaust. We don't need more people like that, and if you are going to be one of them, we certainly don't need you either. Go home, and hug a Jew on the way home. It'll feel good.

Air India Flight Crew - Hey guys, what the fuck got in your head, that at 30,000 feet, you thought you could go MMA-style on each other? this IS NOT a fucking go-kart, this is a multi-million dollar piece of machinery you are handling almost 5 MILES UP!!! keep your shite to yourself until you are on the ground. You became terrorists the minute you couldn't do that, because all the people on board were being held hostage by your idiocy. Their safety was at risk. Seriously, I'm almost at a lost for words at how pissed off I am at your carelessness, so before I get myself into trouble breaking into a tirade of racial epithets and slurs, I suggest you step out of line, and take some anger management courses... and maybe some flight training again. There had to be some "In-flight Issue Resolution" classes.

GOPs - What do you guys have against health care for those that don't have it? There HAS to be someone in your family that doesn't have health care that could benefit from this, but you are all standing together, so you don't get blackballed for voting with the Democrats. It may not be perfect, but it's a step in the right direction. There is even dissent on the Democrat's side. You'd expect that, because we are human, we have differences, we are not automatons. On that same note, you'd expect dissent among the GOP as well. There should be SOMEONE with that balls to stand up against his fellow party members and say, "You know what, guys? I'm with you on most things, but this bill WILL help people. It will increase quality of life for lots of people even if it MIGHT cost a little more (which with the preventative care, it probably won't). I'm going to vote for it." Why don't we see this? Because the "Grand Ol' Party" has turned into a bunch of "Giant Obstinate Pricks" who are only looking out for themselves. You will be the ruin of this nation, only by your own PERSONAL politics, and your own racial and socio-economical stereotypes. Go lock yourself in the building of whatever branch you work in and fight it out, death-match style. Then whoever wins, well, he MIGHT make it to the hospital in time to get his wounds cared for... MAYBE!

Rush Limbaugh - OK, if YOU'D like to align yourself with the Taliban and Iran, I'm all for it. I mean, you ARE kind of an ass, but even in that statement I made a crucial mistake that most do. I'll clarify. See, the Taliban, due the the ideals that make them who they are, they are asses. All of them. Just the way it is. They were drawn to that cause by their own beliefs and STAY with that cause for that reason. Now, the common mistake is grouping entire countries under the policies of their leaders. A LOT of people hated America because of G.W.Bush's policies, but technically, they didn't hate America, they hated Bush (and maybe those people who voted for such a war-mongering idiot). The same goes for Iran. I have a few Iranian friends are very nice people. They, themselves, aren't very fond of Ahmadinejad. So, I can't lump you in with Iran; rather, I'd lump you in with Ahmadinejad himself. I certainly wouldn't want to insult my Iranian friends by putting you in the same class. So, back to the point, if you feel you want to be included with the Taliban and Ahmadinejad, so be it. I'm perfectly content with that, and on that note, I think you should step out of line. I don't want any other patrons accidentally rounded with you once you are declared and "enemy combatant". Anyways, we just sent Mahmoud away, you might be able to catch up with him if you run. Hah, well, maybe hail a taxi. Oh, and by the way, I know it's now how it's done but, hypothetically, if the Nobel was to go to Obama or G.W.Bush, here's a brief breakdown of WHY Obama would win. It kinda IS that simple.

Bill O'Reilly - I fell bad for you, sir. Your "debate" with Richard Dawkins was a bit embarrassing. Not completely, mind you, since it was a short bit on your show, but I think that is to your benefit. I think he'd've mopped the floor with you if you'd've continued much longer. At one point, you call Dawkins wanting religion to stay out of science classes, "fascism". Do you know what fascism means? I mean, I figured you were a bit smarter than the Tea Partiers who just spout the key words given to them by the propaganda-machine on the right. just to help you out, the American Heritage Dictionary defines "fascism" as: "A philosophy or system of government that is marked by stringent social and economic control, a strong, centralized government usually headed by a dictator, and often a policy of belligerent nationalism." Now, what part of that has anything at all to do with keeping religion out of science classes, the the converse, keeping science out of the church? Absolutely nothing! This is why I fear Dawkins would've whooped you had the debate continued. You need to know the words you are using, and in the case of science, you have to know when you DON'T have the answer, be comfortable with saying that, but keep striving to find it. So, Bill, because I feel for ya, here's $5, there's a bookstore around the corner. Why don't you buy a pocket dictionary and then use the change to buy a clue?

Rukhsana Kauser - Wow, Rukhsana! You are an amazing young woman! Definitely a role model for young girls to look up to that you don't have to take the shit that comes to you by asshole terrorist rapist fuckers. Granted, what you and your brother did was bat-shit crazy, but it turned out the best for you. Wh would've thought an 18-year old girl would take down a notorious terrorist who'd been fucking with the Indian countryside for the past 5 years. I can't tell the story as well as someone else has, so I'll let the readers just check out the link. I know you are under witness protection, and luckily we are a witness protection friendly club, so welcome in, and consider yourself off the grid for a while. Sit down, relax and enjoy a nice lassi.

Kate Beckinsale - We are So pleased to have you here, Kate. After Esquire recently bestowed upon you the title of "Sexiest Woman Alive", we wanted to honor your ourselves. Plus, a friend of the club, JHo, has complained about the lack of hot chicks we have here. You are DEFINITELY upping our cred. Still, not to be completely superficial, you are a great actress. Besides club favorites like "Underworld", you've recent come out with "White Out", not to mention some of your others like, "Click", "Pearl Harbor", and "Brokedown Palace". You are a classy, intelligent, and beautiful person (and the accent is pretty hot too). Thanks for all your work (especially the "Death Dealer" stuff). Come on in and make a few people smile.

Lara Logan - Sometimes, life isn't fair. I mean, you have looks AND brains and as Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent for CBS News, you travel to some of the most dangerous places in the world to document the goings-on there. Insane. Granted, you are probably most famous for the tabloid reports about some relationship things that were somehow more important than the actual Iraq news, but we won't go into that here. We are just glad you would lake to grace our club with your presence. Again, I hope that JHo would be pleased. Lara, please do come in and have a drink on the house. Everything's off the record here.

Brad Sciullo - Seriously, dude. you are one crazy motherfucker! The club heard about you from The Colbert Report's two-part piece on you entitledEating the Distance - The Brad Sciullo Story. For all our readers, it is best to just watch the clip, but in brief, Brad here attempts to eat a 15-POUND, 30,000 calorie burger called "The Belly Buster". We're not huge fans of competitive eating around here, especially if you are fairly skinny because that means either 1) you have bulimic tendencies or 2) you are unfairly blessed with an insane metabolism. Still, we figured if you're attempt didn't kill you as the doctor's warned you it might, and you were able to push back from that table alive, we'd let you in the club. Keep in mind, you pay for everything here, no freebies (maybe one drink, but just because you heard us give one to Kate). Welcome in, and don't make a mess.


  1. You have compiled another great list and I thank you. Now off to try and "promote" again. Miss ya guy!

  2. Wonderful insights and belly laugh funny. Keep it up. I'm wid ja!

  3. Excellent! How come there is never an eating competition for salad? or celery? or grapes?