Friday, October 2, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 2-October-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Ann Coulter - Ann... welcome back to not being welcome back. I'm surprised you waited this long before popping up in public for no real good reason than that you were missing the limelight. Your spot on the Joy Behar show was pretty good in that, as usual, you defended yourself and you co-Republican mouthpieces with nothing more than "I'm right, you're wrong, I have no evidence, buh bye". I wonder at times if you possibly have multiple personality disorder. Assuming that you are an intelligent person, that's the only way I can see that you can "believe" some of the things you are saying, for example, that Sarah Palin is "coherent". I'm guessing when you say that, you are in your 5-year old persona who doesn't really know what coherent means, or your mentally disturbed persona who just holds all your crazy, and then you come back to normal afterward with no recollection of spewing said crazy on TV. Still, this theory of mine is based on a weak assumption, that you are intelligent. If that's disproven, well, I guess it your crazy person speaks for itself. Without making any sudden or threatening movements, would you please step out of line, go home, and coddle some Ben and Jerry's.

Sean Hannity - Seanny boy! Where do you come up with this stuff? Please, please, PLEASE look at the video I linked your name to. A local news station debunked your play to look like the "All-American Hero of the Common Man". Framing your piece in a HARVESTED tomato field which you incorrectly led your viewers to be the state of and unharvested field with no water, doesn't make your point, it makes you look like an ass. You believe what you want to believe, never mind the evidence (there's that word again), and you propagandize your viewers with the same. When someone with an alternate explanation tried to speak (via satellite), the crowd you incited with false information, boo'd him rather than take the time to hear both sides and make and informed decision. I mean, I understand, that hearing BOTH sides might fill your brain up and possibly give you a headache, but it's something that progressive people do. Give it a try. And by the way, next time try a T-shirt if you want to fit in with the locals... a polo just makes you look like a douche in this situation. Why don't you take some of this constructive criticism home with you to think on for a bit?

Michael Steele - The Republican party's "Obama"... How are you doing? Not very well I'm guessing. Now this might sound a bit ironic, but take your time to analyze it, and you'll see why it's not. Don't you have better things to do than criticize the POTUS for lobbying for the 2016 Olympics? The irony you might find here (which isn't at all) is that you think HE has better things to do than lobby for the Games. Here's where you are going to have to think. Take a breath. This is called "planning for the future". Granted, I'm sure the POTUS has some city and state pride in Chicago, Illinois being on the short list, but do you know what comes with the Olympics? A SHITLOAD of money. Money in the form of jobs to build the facilities, road reconstruction and upgrades, logistics, tourism opportunities, and public transport upgrades. Knowing that we are in the shit now, doesn't preclude you from try to preparing to stay out of the shit in the future. This is one of the many shortcomings of George W. He only thought in the now, make money NOW (never mind the fallout later), invade Iraq NOW (never mind the fallout with peaceful Muslims around the world and INCREASING a global anti-American mindset). Obama is setting up a sort of near-future retirement. Set aside some time and money now to make bigger returns later. So, Mr. Steele, please try to get out of GW's mindset of here-and-now politics and think about the bigger picture; that is,the FUTURE of our nation and it's people. And with that, I ask you to step aside so our other patrons may pass. Go do something better with your time.

Brooke Hogan - Brooke, your music suck. I mean, someone has to tell you, and I'm sorry it had to be YOUR PRODUCER, but just to make sure it gets in that plasticine head of yours, I'll concur... your music sucks. If you want to be famous, and your daddy is a professional wrestler, you might want to follow in his footsteps. Theoretically, odds are you are going to be built more like a linebacker than a ballerina. In this case, theory confirmed. I'm not saying you are.. ugly, it's just you aren't really built for the bubblegum pop music culture. That could start me on a completely different tangent about how it shouldn't matter what you look like if you make good music, but... you don't do that either. You should take up MMA or hell, I'm sure the WWE would take you in a heartbeat, you have the build and the name. Take your natural talents and make the best of them, rather than trying to convince people you can sing. It's just cruel and unusual. Now, if you don't mind, I suggest you go home, get online, and delete EVERY one of your songs that you can find on the interwebs. That should keep you busy, then give Vince McMahon a call.

Trent Franks - Here we are again with ANOTHER nobody-knew-you-before-you-said-something-stupid politician. Mr. Franks, do they teach "riot inciting" when you join politics? Maybe "Fact Ignoring 101", or "Distill a Complex Point Down to an Fallacious Black and White Situation 205"? Obama is sending money overseas to kill babies? Really? I mean, is he paying for drowning centers? Is he funding baby skeet shoots, or maybe toddler skydiving lessons? Calling the POTUS an "enemy of humanity" is a tall order to prove... which you didn't... because you can't. Still, it was cute when, after you got your name on YouTube how you backtracked like a MUTHAFUCKA! So you meant he's only an enemy to humanity ONLY in relation to his abortion policies, and you meant "unborn humanity" rather than "humanity", and you meant Obama's ABORTION POLICIES have no place in government (which they kinda do as POTUS), rather than OBAMA has no place in government. Ooookay? How about this, and I'm just thinking out loud here... quit taking up valuable space in line, go back to you office and write the speech you MEANT to write, then PROOFREAD that speech. Read it aloud, read it to friends, colleagues, etc., then edit it according to the criticisms you get, repeat several times, and then try giving your speech again. And we better not have any dangling participles, douchewad!

Carl Sagan - Carl, man, it's really too bad you're dead, but we're happy to admit another Ghostguest. You lived your life with a childlike awe of the universe and our small place in it. You took complex cosmological phenomena and with the words of a poet, shared them with the common man in a way that he could understand. You even did your best to bring turtlenecks to the forefront of modern fashion. You posited that when looking for extraterrestrial life, to look for atmospheres that might be out-of-whack a bit, as life has a significant impact on it's surroundings. It seems you took extreme joy in your job, and we are all the better for it. Plus, despite the clubs distaste for Auto-Tuning, you were just meant for it. Thanks for everything, and welcome to the club.

Stephen Hawking - Prof. Hawking, it is an honor to have you stop by the club. We were surprised to see you here, but after reading that you were stepping down from "Newton's Chair" we realize that you have some more free time on your hands, and you might want to relax a bit. There is no rationalization for the disease that's robbed you of your mobility, but we like to think that you were just so smart that it had to come at a cost. There's no such thing as a free lunch, as they say. Still, you didn't let that hold you back, and I suppose it may have even fueled you further. Your grasp of how the universe works is tremendous. You, like Carl Sagan who's inside (we'll explain how that works later), could take a concept that fellow theoretical physicists had a hard time grasping, and you could describe it with a simple metaphor or explain it as a small demonstration, so we simple folk could get a hint at the brilliance of the concept you were talking about. Your theories on the universe, black holes, and humanity's need to chase the stars are an inspiration. We're sad to see that you have to step down. We don't know when there will be another like you. Come on in, and make yourself comfortable.


  1. OMG - Trent Franks was the best. Stick it "to 'em." Another excellent list. I'm promoting it as best I possibly can. Try networking this blog onto Facebook...more will read it there I would imagine. Miss ya!!

  2. Sagan, Hawking... your turning the club into a Star Trek convention. How you gonna keep ZOMGitsCriss and Jennifer Connelly in the club?

  3. JHo, i know, i know, i'm working on it, but it's tough to find people that haven't pissed me off lately. no real standout, standup people right now. i'll try better next time to get some sex appeal in the club.