Friday, October 16, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 16-October-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

GOP - Where in the fuck is your collective head at? Are you guys standing together SO STAUNCHLY against Obama's health care bill, that whatever comes up in front of you, you vote against without listening? Al Franken proposed an amendment that the US government should deny defense contracts to contractors who have employees sign away their right to sue the company. Seems like a fairly logical thing. Contractors that WOULD do that sound highly suspicious already but considering the case where an RBK employee was gang-raped by her colleagues, and she couldn't sue the company? Holy shit, this should be unanimous. Walk in, drop your vote, and go to lunch. It's RAPE, pricks! You shouldn't even be asked to sign away human rights in a contract. If your company can't protect you from being raped, that company owes you a lot more than money. It's absolute bullshit that some GOPs actually voted against this because some feel it's not their job to interject into the contracts of our contractors, but as Jon Stewart said, but wait... that IS your job. You SHOULD be responsible for hiring upstanding and safe contractors who DON'T hide behind contracts when human liberties are violated. How can you seriously rationalize this in your head? And if you can, I hope all your daughters work for companies that sign their rights away as well. If this happens again, WHEN IT'S YOUR FAMILY... let's see how you vote then, assholes! Get the fuck out of line!

Saudi Oil Barons - You pompous pricks! Seriously! If the world decreases it's oil dependence, you are going to need foreign aid?! You can come right here and kick my ass. You are one of the richest countries in the world due to your oil reserves. You try to control the world economy by rationing how much you are going to pull out of the ground on a whim. I'm not a huge fan of the opulence of Dubai and Qatar, but at least they DID something with their money. They've tried to build and infrastructure and make themselves a center of commerce. What have you done? You've had a near-monopoly on the oil business since, what, the 70's at least, and what have you done with your money. You don't get to bend the world over a barrel, then when that barrel is pulled away, say, "I'm sorry, we're cool right? Can you help me move my sofa this weekend?". NO! IT doesn't work like that, so I suggest you step out of line, go home, and figure out what you are going to do with the money you have buried in the desert or wherever the hell you have it. Calculate the REAL money you are going to be taking in (the IEA report has no real reason to biased against you, but you DO have a reason to be biased for you, think about it), and figure out how to do something sustainable in your country. It's a huge fucking desert, invest in solar!

Greedy Energy Producers - Who was the corporate assclown who thought it would be a good idea to make up losses by charging the customer more to do good for the environment? Really, bring him up front! Hey jackhole... you're about as bad as the Saudi fuckers we just kicked out. You got in this game because it's easy money, oil and gas is flowing freely, everyone needs power, it's a Win-Win, right? But,oh shit, on the horizon you see the green movement coming, energy efficient light bulbs, people promoting renewable resources, recycling, GOOD STUFF, that might cut into your bottom line. Like the Saudis, what did you do with your money? Fuck this "We're gonna lose money with these energy efficient light bulbs since people won't use so much power, so we're going to hand out the light bulbs, make them pay a mark-up of 600%, and hope that makes up for the money we are going to lose". Sorry buddy, but there's no such thing as a free lunch! Learn it, live it! There ARE ways to make money in the new energy revolution. You ever hear the adage "You have to spend money to make money"? Well, do it! Don't try to fuck over your customer because you're a lazy shite and you might not make the numbers to get your overly inflated bonus. Fuck off home and google "green energy".

CNN - CNN people... the club has a friend known only as "TheMom". She's recent written a nice piece on the Code of Ethics that journalists should have to abide by. The way they get around it? Don't hire journalists, but I digress. During a recent interview with Arianna Huffington on The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, they cut in with "BREAKING NEWS". OK, on the edges of our seats... what could be so fantastically important or tragic that they'd cut in on a serious talk about the risk and costs ($65 billion / year) involved in the Afghanistan war? FUCKING RUSH LIMBAUGH ISN'T GOING TO BE ABLE TO BUY THE RAMS?!?!?!?!?! Who the fuck cares if this bloated, hate-filled, possibly recovering junkie gets to buy a football team. This isn't Perry White's "The Daily Planet" where we have to run out and SCOOP everything. You are a 24-hour news channel that normally has to fill it's time with shite because news doesn't necessarily happen 24 hours. This is the absolute OPPOSITE of breaking news; and Wolf, be careful using that tone. The way you said, "I want everybody to standby for just a moment"... UH-UH, not allowed, not for this topic. That is what you say when planes fly into buildings, when space shuttles explode on live TV, when a president is assassinated. You don't say that in that tone when a fuckjob Republican mouthpiece DOESN'T get his chance to buy his version of slaves. CNN, you really failed on this one, I expected more out of "America's Most Trusted News Source". Go home and get your priorities straight.

John Forehand - You make it too easy, but we should seriously fucking give you a coma-inducing Backhand. You sick son of a bitch! Why, why, why? Can't you go to the bar and take home a barfly? It's not an ideal situation for the kids, but it's better than wanting to fuck them! We can tell, despite being completely fucked in the head, that you aren't very intelligent. MOST pedophiles get caught with pictures or videos (which it looked like you were going to take when you were arrested), but you even did it online. And this... "not many other fathers and daughters are this brave, so not many of them are so lucky to experience all these pleasures"? Not only did you want to destroy any sense of innocence you're VERY OWN flesh-and- blood had, but you were glorifying it. You were prepared to ruin her for her entire life, fucking with how her brain works. You are a sick fuck, and I hope Bubba does everything to you that you wanted to do to your little girl. Here come the cops, go away before you "accidentally" fall down and hurt yourself bad!

William Kamkwamba - William, the club first heard about you when you did an interview on "The Daily Show". Your story is inspirational, and that is to say the very least. You dropped out of school because your parents couldn't afford it, you went to the library, and basically from pictures, you learned how to build a windmill to produce energy for your family in Malawi. I've personally bought your book, because I'd like to learn more about what drives a 14-year old boy with little formal education and possibly NO english (at the time) to build something to help his family... from pictures. Your story is truly remarkable, and the club wishes you all the best. Come on in, have a drink, and relax. If you get bored, we have some books you can read up on, and our ceiling fan is on the fritz... maybe you could look at it? Get inside, man, and enjoy... your story's getting me all choked up.

For those others in line, if you can't buy the book, here's a link to a short video telling his story in brief.


  1. Another great list. I'm with you on CNN and the "break away" to Rush's failure. Yesterday, they did another breaking news alert, cutting from Obamam's speech to "balloon boy." Granted, my heart was breaking for the almost 2 hours till conclusion - but with no hard facts to go on, I might rethink that one.

  2. I loved William on the Daily Show - he was funny without trying to be funny! You should add Grayson (D Rep from Florida) to your next accepted list. As the only Dem with some balls, he deserves to come to the party. As for the rejected - once again a fine job! The Saudis and the GOP blow, but that John Forehand (love the last name!) takes the cake! I didn't see the CNN thing, but from your description, it was completely unnecessary, especially for that asshat Rush!