Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 4-September-2009

(DISCLAIMER: All names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Rex Rammell - Who the fuck are you again? Some nobody Republican that no one's really heard about or cared about before until you made a "joke" about hunting the President? Yeah, that's what I thought. Joke or not, your party is hurting. That mean you need to be on your best behavior. You need to do your best "human" impression and not be dragged into stupid-ass statements by your own kind. Congratulations, you got your name in the funny pages, but you won't get your ass through this door.

Carrie Prejean - Carrie, it always hurts me to reject hotties, but sadly, most hotties are completely full of themselves and more trouble than they are worth. You do epitomize this so well with the bonus of falling back on religion in hard times. You and Rex should go have a party. You didn't deserve the 15 minutes of fame you had. You intentionally hid the fact that you had pictures taken that were "inappropriate" according to the Miss USA laws. Then, you explained them away as being taken without your authorization when you weren't paying attention... if you relax in poses like that, don't worry, you'll have a great career in porn. I understand you aren't the brightest bulb in the lamp, but the question/answer period is probably the closest you'll ever get to a real interview (that doesn't involve a couch). That means you need to research the people who are interviewing you. Perez Hilton, besides be a douche himself, is a gay celeb gossip blogger. You should've expected from him something related to gay rights, and something that might create gossip. If you wanted to win, you should've "lied" and gone middle-of-the-road, "all people are equal", etc. You screwed up. Your stupidity doesn't warrant a lawsuit. You should've known better. You've been competing on this and related circuits since AT LEAST 2007; though I haven't, I'm guessing they just get cattier, bitchier, and pettier, the further along you progress. Bigotry isn't pretty, no matter who designed the bikini your wearing it with. Good night!

Michelle Bachmann - You are a winner. Like, really, a winner. I like the way you are trying to inspire your compatriots to defeat the health care bill. Whether it be hyperbole or metaphor, you "people" love taking what the Republicans are saying at face value. They take the talking points and run with them without any actual research. So, "prayer and fasting"... please! Prayer gets nothing done, and fasting makes you weak. And slitting your wrists be become blood brothers? Go for it, and at the same time that you are too exhausted to get the phone from lack of food and blood loss, you can pray that God will stop the bleeding just long enough to see the bill defeated. You should be careful, you might actually be thinning your own herd. To the Sin Bin with you!

Dick Cheney - Scary guy make mean faces at the crowd, get outta... wait a minute, is that former VP and GW-puppeteer Dick Cheney? Why yes it is! Dick, what's with you getting all freaked out about Obama ordering preliminary investigations into CIA abuse? Guilty conscience there, buddy? Maybe some people you haven't had the chance to knock off yet to clear your name? Some loose ends? Politics is OK when it protects you, but when it turns around and bites you in the non-existent WMDs... then it's not fair, wah wah wah! Obama is doing his best to clean up the shit-storm you and GW left behind, but no, no, what you did wasn't political maneuvering, it was, what? necessary? constitution-shredding? my sandbox is bigger than your sandbox pomposity? Old man, you need to disappear like GW did. Just go off radar, find a cabin or an assisted-living community, and wait for the government to come throw your ass in the slammer for the shit you put our country through. You should probably go now. I'm low on patience tonight, and I'm sure we could fab up a water-board easily enough.

The Duggars - (Click on that pic, it's worth it)

Um... I'm sorry Duggars', but we can't let you in due to fire code regulations. Your family alone would probably put us over since we can't be sure that you won't "go forth & multiply" once inside. Mr. Duggar, could you step over here.

Dude, WTF?! have you ever heard of "hotdog down a hallway"? That's just in relation to girls who get around. Your wife has popped out more babies than most people have had partners. Like, can you even feel it? And what's with the "J" names. It was probably cute at first, but it gets old after the first 9-10 kids. do something original (besides providing the entire population of Arkansas yourself). Here's one of those polyurethane "like skin" condoms, try it out, i doubt she'll notice the difference.
Duggars! I'm sorry, but it's back on the bus with you, the police heard there is a mob forming, and we don't want a misunderstanding.

JerseyQuaker - WE are PTVR have hired on a new guest bouncer, JerseyQuaker. When the fulltime bouncers are busy, he'll be taking over the front door. At other times, he'll be keeping the riff-raff from sneaking into the club via the back door. Welcome to JerseyQuaker, don't let us down. Now come on in, and I'll give you a tour of the place.

Alan Turing - Yes, yes, another GhostGuest, but they keep the party jumping when the club is closed. Alan, what was done to you is a crime against the humanity you saved. A mathematical genius, an excellent code breaker, and a homosexual. That last part isn't relevant at all in relation to your contribution in breaking the Enigma code in WWII with your Bombe device, but the UK government didn't see it that way. To avoid a "custodial sentence", we was chemically castrated with estrogen and, two years later at age 41, he committed suicide by ingesting cyanide. It's sad to lose someone so intelligent who could have done so much more due to bigotry and small-mindedness. Alan, I'm sorry this had to happen to you, but thanks for what you accomplished in your shirt time here. I ask anyone who is moved by this story, sign this petition asking the UK government to grant Alan Turing posthumous knighthood (after you sign, they ask for a donation, but you can close the screen if you don't want to donate). I'm #9743 on page 195 if you are interested. So, Alan, welcome in. Feel free to leave any really awesome mathematical theories around that we could use to pay some bills, or just encrypt our wi-fi router, it seems a bit slow lately.


  1. I honestly did not know (nor do I care) who Carrie Prejean was before reading this post. I guess I missed the first 14 minutes.

  2. I'm so glad you ACCEPTED Alan Turing. That is a most shameful saga. the man literally saved forces during the war with the Enigma code - and to be disparaged because of his homosexuality? NOT.

    jadedj - it's a good thing you weren't reading my blog when I was covering the brain dead Carrie Prejean. I wasn't born with "beautiful" genes like these pageant contestants, but I do have a brain.

  3. Thank you, thank you. Your gin selection here is NICE! Just for future reference, when we post for the weekend, are we doing that by Thursdays?

  4. JQ... no, i hit "post" instead of "save", so i posted a day early by accident. my bad. i should've posted it today, friday.