The Guest List for the Weekend of 20-November-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

FOX News - Seriously, I think this club could make money just by people lining up, not to even get in, but to watch us bounce anything FOX News related. If it's not Hannity, it's Beck; if it's not a completely fallacious argument against someone who knows what they are talking about, it's falsified news footage. You guys really make it too easy. In this case, it was falsified footage again. Apparently, it's not a Hannity thing, it's a network thing. The anchor had footage that was "just coming in" of the mobs at a Palin book signing... that were actually from last year's Presidential campaign. I mean, even if you haven't caught up to the 2000's where you can give names to files on a "computer", and they can be longer than 8 letters with a 3 letter extension, buy masking tape and a marker. Write on the reel canisters; do something to TRY get your credibility back. Ridiculous! Well, I'd better kick you out now, there's a line former to watch already!

Sarah Palin - Back so soon? We know you have a new book out and your faux-signings and people sleeping overnight in line to get your book. Don't you have better things to do than try to get in the club two consecutive weeks? Or we some kind of reality check for you? The latest is your interviews with O'Reilly and Hannity. In the Hannity interview, you finally told us what newspapers you read over A YEAR after actually getting asked the question. I'm guessing you were using this time to catch up on your back session of "Hooked on Phonics". You said you were "offended" by the question, and that you felt she was insinuating that you couldn't get real news up there. Only a stupid person (who's only practiced the party lines given to her) would be offended by that question. It's not a matter of intelligence (though you cunningly made it one and proved you have none), it's a matter of worldliness. That being said, your answer on Hannity proved exactly why you would've failed anyways. You read Newsmax (a conservative webpage) and The Frontiersman (a local newspaper). You did throw in WSJ though I doubt you do actually read that. It would've been good to hear Reuters, BBC, New York Times, Washington Post, the Associated Press, for Chrissakes!. Any of those would've been fantastic. A bit of both sides would've shown balance. Some HuffPost, CNN.com, FOX NEWS (if you must). I'm seriously surprised you didn't mention The Onion. You Ma'am are a blathering idiot who takes a year to answer a reading question. You are a casting couch politician at best, and we'd like to escort you out of line once again. Goodnight, Madame Dunce

Amy Winehouse - Amy, I must warn you that this club believes in euthanasia, and in this case, it's to put US out of YOUR misery. WTF is wrong with you? You used to be vaguely attractive; feminine, at the very least, but you needed just a little more whatever than you were getting. Hospitalization after hospitalization after rehab after hospitalization... Your body isn't going to last very long. And what's up with the new titties? They aren't going to be enough to drag everyone's eyes away from your emaciated frame, mess of tattoos, ratty beehive, and put-on-in-the-dark eye makeup. You are a walking mess with a heap of vocal talent. Love yourself, Amy... love YOURSELF! Until you do, get outta line before the cops end up frisking you. You wouldn't last one withdrawal in prison.

Jason Anderson - Hey FuckJob of The HIGHEST Caliber, why are you not in jail? Why are you on paid leave after murdering two kids by recklessly "racing" another cop friend of yours? There is absolutely no excuse for what you did. You wear a badge, you get a gun, you get to break all the rules whenever you want (apparently) and now you've killed two kids. Two kids who were following the rules, not expecting some jackass cop to be throwing his ballsack on the accelerator to show off. You should be in a cell, you should have zero income, and you should have to apologize to those kids parents (which, believe me, is certainly not enough). You should have your badge taken immediately, you should be fired and stuck in the unemployment lines in this shite economy because you were fucking around on the job. Do you recall "...to protect and to serve"? You jackass! You are the criminal now, and the club wishes all the worst for you. Seriously, get outta here before I crowbar ya. After all, you aren't really a cop anymore.

The Onion - Now THIS is what makes you guys at The Onion awesome. This is such smack-in-the-face satire, but it's so well written, I seriously wouldn't be surprised if there aren't Tea Baggers or 9/12ers out there trying to track this guy down right now. He would be their next "Joe the Plumber". It just screams beauty at how they think laws are made by conservative pundits and what they SAY the Constitution says, rather than what it ACTUALLY says. You guys are great, this is a great article, and for person we can find who thinks this is true and stands by the guys, a free round on me. Come on in.

The American Medical Association - It took you guys long enough, but finally, you've come to your senses. This is what science is about. Making hypotheses, collecting data, confirming repeatability, and then using that data to refine the hypothesis, theory, or personal bias. You were doing all that except the last step. The data has showed this for a long time, but no one wanted to say "OK, weed is good for pain and appetite management" etc. You didn't want the people using a drug that was readily available and there was no way to regulate to tax it. I'm wondering what politician or lobbyist got to you to finally agree to this (I'm guessing they are from California), but this club won't look a gift horse in the mouth. If you need anymore data, go to just about any college campus on game weekend, and you'll have more data than you know what to do with. Let's get this stuff legalized, decriminalized, and, hey, the government can even make some money of it. Either way, thanks for coming forward and stating what we already knew. Come on in, have a beer, and there are munchies on the bar.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 13-November-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Rep. Tom Price - Dude, you are just a dick! And whoever that old dude chairing this (yeah, I'm not too much into names) is, should be done with too. There is no way he should have allowed you to continue disrupting proceedings in the manner you did. OK, you object, once maybe twice, fine; but objecting before they've even said anything to object against? WTF ballbag?! I bet when you were a kid you stuck your fingers in your ears and whined "LA LA LA LA" whenever you were told to do something. Grow up geezer. This is SUPPOSED to be adult politics. I seriously think you need a "Trading Places" wake up call (Eddie Murphy/Dan Akroyd "Trading Places", not that home show). Rep. Price, "I REJECT!"

Sarah Palin - Lady, you're like the cougar version of Paris Hilton circa '07-'08. You pretty much make sure someone's around, turn off your brain, and see what falls out of your mouth (though sometimes Paris let things fall into it as well). Barring the media, recorders, and CELL PHONES from a speech you are giving says a lot about the validity of the shite that you are going to make up. You were smart enough to not SAY death panels, but you weren't smart enough to not bring up the fallacious idea in the first place. And a coin conspiracy? Moving "In God We Trust" to the side of coin is pretty cool. I'm sure you're a bit xenophobic (that's the fear of things that are different or foreign), but the British pound coin has had side inscriptions for a long time, which actually made it a collectors piece for me. Plus how many people really use dollar coins? All of this, despite the fact that the club thinks that having such a motto is discriminatory and patently wrong. This motto was created after the Civil War when the country was in the shite. We've (well some of us) have grown and matured and *GASP* evolved to a point where religion isn't needed as much to make us feel happy. The national motto should be INclusive, not EXclusive, and there are far more non-believers out there than you might be comfortable with knowing. But I digress, what I mean to say is you're kinda dumb, kinda hot, and kinda kicked out of the club. Buh bye!

Chris Brown - Hey woman beater, what are you doing in MY line? I cannot believe you have the balls to wish that Rhianna had kept quiet about the beating? You BEAT HER in public! Your puny, insecure, hardly-talented shitehead of a self, had to feel good by beating up a girl IN PUBLIC. Nothing about this should be private. You should be called out for this shitsack that you are. Domestic abuse is unacceptable. Simple as that. You did, you should have to wear that badge that you are man enough to hit a woman. I'm sure the thugs think really highly of you. You SO deserve this and more. All I have to say is you should keep your head down and bolt before someone recognizes you. If they do, we might have to turn our backs so you can keep it a "private matter".

Goldman Sachs - You guys are booted just for stoking the fire. Who the fuck didn't know that health care reform would hurt private insurers? Of course it would, and it SHOULD. Anyone knows that if you don't provide a service but charge people you are going to make mad cash. Then if you get caught and actually have to provide said service, then you are going to make less mad cash, because, oh damn, you're actually going to have to do your job. The insurance companies should be non- or not-for-profit organizations. Competition will help in streamlining a bloated system full of fat cats hiding in middle management positions saying "NO!" to policy holders who deserve to hear "YES!" On a side note, when this here bouncer was in college, he had a friend taking a course, "How to lie by using charts". That is, the data was honest and truthful, but how it was presented told the lie that was never said. For example, look at this graph Goldman had in their report (click for larger). On first glance, what do you see? I see that after 2013, health care insurers are going to start losing money, going in debt, so they won't be able to provide services, and we'll all turn into zombies, and that is bad. All this graph really shows is that after 2013, they are going to insure twice as many people, and only make half the PROFIT! It's a misleading graph for that very reason. So Goldman Sachs, for being general buttwads and trying to confuse the matter further without making any beneficial strides, get outta my line before someone gives you a reason to use your health insurance.

Sean Hannity - Man, you are one funny dude. What you are doing is called "damage control", and we can all see it. You got caught trying to forge the news as usual. Just own up. Trying to pass it off as an innocent mistake that anyone could make MIGHT pass on some other networks, but with all the unfairness and imbalance your network has, it is just that you got caught doing what you always do. You bend the truth to fit your beliefs, which is completely ass backwards by the way. It's also funny that you tried to condescend to The Daily Show viewers by thanking them for watching. Now, there are at least two reasons they watch. 1) Crazy people are fun to watch. The delusions, the persecution, the complete lack of logic and rationality... it's just so foreign. They are are watch-dogging you, doing their very best to call you out on all the aforementioned character flaws and in doing so, hopefully making a few viewers at a time come to THEIR senses. 2) They are actually being fair and balanced. they are looking at all options, all views, all opinions, then throwing them in the brain to calculate and deduce what they find to be most reasonable. You are always going to be right if you only look at half the story. Looking at the whole dilly-yo, and then coming to new conclusions, changing ideas, thoughts, and possible false preconceptions... now that's the sign of an intelligent person who's not afraid of change in the face of truth. I know you don't understand, so just go home, look up the big words, and maybe put some rubber sheets on the bed.

Carrie Prejean - Holy fuck Carrie, are you a Stepford child? This is a generalization, but girls who drop out of a party school to go to a Christian school so they can study on Friday night and not be pressured to drink typically don't make sex tapes, pose for naked pictures, and get breast implants. There are two totally different people, so maybe you have multiple personality disorder, or maybe you are just a tramp who knew you weren't the trampiest at your party school, so you tried taking the back door (hah) by going with the hot-as-hell-but-pure route to get into pageants to feel some self-worth. And what's with you thinking that the Bible doesn't forbid breast implants. I'm sure you're talking New Testament because the OT pretty much rules out ANYTHING cool. Have you even read the Bible, I mean, really. I'm personally in the middle of it, and it's nuts! Did you know that in Leviticus it says we aren't supposed to cut our hair? How fucked up is that? Yet, you're using this crazy book as a justification for breast implants. You are a piece of work, seriously. I'd like to let you in, you are hot, but you might have a psychotic break and take out all my other customers, and that would be bad. Strut your way home, and be careful of the demons out there.

Mahmoud Vahidnia - Earlier, the club kicked Chris Brown out for having the balls to ask that him being an abuser be kept quiet. THAT was an insult. You, on the other hand, have balls for publically calling out Ayatollah Ali Khamenei for being a total douche. That is awesome! You could be thrown in prison for that! Just for questioning his actions. Nerds rule! I'm sure you have some sort of getaway rocket just in case, but still. Some say that there haven't been any repercussions to show that Iran is a just country welcoming criticism. The funny thing is, just saying that, proves that they aren't. Good on you, man. Come on into the club and relax. We have chai and shisha in the back.

The Piano Stairs Guys - This is some creative stuff right here. You take a bit of wiring, some black and white material, pressure sensors and speakers, and what do you get? Improvisational exercise. This is more of what the world needs. Sadly, we have to be forced to get up off our couches or to even take a flight of stairs rather than an escalator. But if that's what it takes, and it gets someone even a bit healthier, all the more power to you. Come on in, and uh, if you get bored, can we get a set of those installed to the second floor?

The club must apologize. Our opening schedule is going to be erratic through Thanksgiving. The head bouncer is traveling and instead of being an exclusive prick, he's trying to experience life a bit. This isn't to say there won't be updates, but he can't guarantee them or that they'll be on time. The club again apologizes for this, and we hope to keep you as a faithful patron during this restructuring. Thanks.

-Management

POSTPONED

I know you were all looking forward to the latest Guest List, but due to our head bouncer immense popularity around town, he is going to be delayed one day. The list will be up tomorrow. The club apologizes for the delay, but we know to leave you wanting more. See you tomorrow.

The Guest List for the Weekend of 6-November-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

James Conway - Rear Admiral Homophobe, what is your deal? What are you afraid of? You aren't that attractive. Maybe it's the uniform thing, but still, gays aren't out to get you. If they want to fight in the military, where's the harm. You know they are there now. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" isn't come magic barrier that keeps them from serving, if anything, it's just an added stressor on your already over-stressed soldier. Good job, fuckbag. Make their jobs harder while you sit on a bridge or in an office somewhere. From a different direction, you being a homophobe, would you WANT to know where they are? Could be the guy sitting right next to you, coveting your wrinkly prune ass. OH NO! You'll never know now, just because they might be married is nothing, look at Tom Cruise. Get over yourself and your old-man prejudices, and let willing Americans serve our country no matter their sexual orientation. There's no harm to you, and it can only help our country become stronger. Step out of line, sir, about face, and fuck off!

Joe Lieberman - Hey Cock Jockey, how in the world would no health care reform be better than a public option. Options are good, and being that they are options, no one HAS to choose them. Is it competition you don't like? I mean, us mere mortals have to pay for our health care whereas you get this kick-ass healthcare for nothing. In my mind, that means you have no fucking say AT ALL about what type of health care we have. We are paying, so we should choose. Drop your health care coverage and start paying like a normal person, then you get a say. Oh, and what's with this filibuster shit you are trying to pull. Weren't you just against filibustering, was it last year? So when it suits you, you are for it. Dick Bag, quit hopping the fence. Grow a stem-cell modified spine, and man up. Oh, and you have a huge head. Step out of line and go check with your doctor how much the procedures you need cost.

Glenn Beck - I don't know how you manage to make it in this same line week after week. When we opened this club, there were a few people we thought would be habitual rejectees, but seriously, you were well of the radar. I mean, we like to be surprised and all, but you should take a breather. Are you mistakenly trying to find the Krispy Kreme? This city doesn't have a local branch of the "Pompous Douches with Their Head's Up Their Asses" Lodge. How can you repeatedly just stumble into this line? OH, I know, it's by doing thing like referring to health care reform being more dangerous than terrorists. Do you have a former GWBush speech writer? Taking your shoes off BEFORE the plane hits the tower? Really?! I mean, maybe you were in the heat of the moment, but semantically, doing that is kinda of on par with putting on brand new Nikes, placing a purple cloth over your face, and committing suicide by ingesting cyanide. Are your 9/12ers latent Heaven's Gaters? You also state that these 9/12ers are going to town halls, and taking up their weekends reading 2,000 page health care bills. You know what that shows? Nothing. 1) I seriously doubt you could read 2,000 pages in a weekend, and 2) they are only doing this because you are force-feeding them propaganda. How about YOU read the 2,000 page health care bill (we won't mind if you have to take off filming a few shows), ACTUALLY get a grasp on it, THEN tell the crowd what you think. In the mean time, let your 9/12ers do something useful like, I don't know, spend time with their families. Actually, in your case I know it's not fair to your family, but I'm going to have to ask you to get out of line and go bother them.

Giant Penis-Eating Worms - Isn't the world bad enough with nuclear Iran, crazy Kim Jong-Il, and Glenn Beck? Now we find you, a giant penis eating worm in an aquarium in Hull. What's the world coming to? Apparently, you grow really big and eat fish, so why do you have to cross that line and feed your male partner's penis to your young? What happened to you when you were a young wormlet? Why all the hate? I also kind of wonder how you made your way into the aquarium. We may have to audit their lifeform tracking; maybe they have mermaids!!! This is a genital-friendly club. We don't like your penis-biting kind around here, so you can slither away now. Wait, how did you even get here? Nevermind!

Jesse Ventura - Mr. Ventura, it's a pleasure. I remember you from professional wrestling when I was a wee'un and you were "The Body". You went on to be Minnesota governor, and are known to have no problem expressing how you feel without sugar-coating it for the PC-inclined. Your recent comments about voting on gay marriage are spot on. Civil rights should not be influenced by people's prejudices. Too many legislators now don't see that, only wanting to do right by the prejudices of their constituents just so they can get re-elected. Thanks for stepping forward, thus putting those officials and voters in the spotlight, highlighting their general ignorance and bigotry. Welcome in, Mr. Ventura, and have a good time.

We'll call you "Goose" - We here at the club don't know your name, you almost got rejected for stupidity, but we'd like to let you in for sheer ballsiness. Even if it was an accident, you now have a story that will go down in your family lore for ages. When you felt that bone-jarring force of the ejection seat pushing you into the empty blue sky... that had to be one of the biggest "OH SHIT!" moments in history. We're glad to see your survived and haven't been incarcerated, so welcome in, and with that story, I doubt you'll have to buy a beer all night.