Friday, October 30, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 30-October-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

The club apologizes for the lack of incumbents this week. It must be that everyone is saving up their energy for the upcoming Halloween parties, or that everyone is getting the blues since summer is over and the winter looms, but never you worry; the club will be open all winter ready to lift your spirits WITH spirits if necessary. Come back next week, and we'll see if we can't draw a bigger crowd.

Scientologists - I have to give you credit, you guys sure can spin. I don't know how you do it, but somehow you can warp the minds of some rich people into taking up the cause of your loony tunes "religion". It's impressive and scary. I mean, L. Ron, went into this as a business. He's been quoted as wanting to start a religion. Theoretically, you don't "start" a religion, you can't create one, it must be introduced to you by some higher power who wants some cred for all his work. When you say you "want" to start a religion and then do... well, that's just an INSANE coincidence. Going after the rich people was good too, you need funding if you want to see it grow large in your lifetime and offering plates are just so small. I just want to say you guys are nuts. Give you money away to charity, do GOOD with it. When you are confronted with claims of financial and spiritual fraud, you throw off your mic and storm out? That's not a very good impression to leave with the people. Maybe you should go home, get audited, and if we're lucky, they are handing out the magic grape Kool-Aid tonight.

Bobby McFerrin - Man, I'm really sorry that you will forever be known as the "Don't Worry, Be Happy" guy (dammit, it's in my head... well that was the risk I took inviting you in). I mean, it's a good and catchy song, but apparently your knowledge base for music theory and cognition goes significantly further than that. The video you did was interesting in that it engaged that audience with, at first, a bit of awkward "What the hell is the 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' guy doing jumping around the stage", and then went on to, without coaching, conducting an entire crowd into hitting notes strictly from spacial perceptions. When you can engage an audience like that, the point really sticks, and the club is glad to see you spreading some fun and knowledge around. We appreciate it if you can in and sang something to get your "other" song out of our heads. Thanks.

Charlize Theron - Charlize, welcome to the club. We are really excited to have you here tonight. We are big fans of your movies (Aeon Flux... oh yeah!). Reindeer Games was, well, everyone had bumps, but you had "Monster". The club has been lacking in the "Beautiful Woman" department lately, but you are definitely upping that factor this evening. We thought it was great that you were willing to kiss a total stranger to get your bids up for an African charity in order to beat Jeremy Piven. When the winning bidder turned out to be a woman, you didn't back down, and the club absolutely fell head over heels for you. YOU... ARE... AWESOME! Please do come in. I'll apologize ahead of time if there is any gawking.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 23-October-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Dante Wesley - Dude, you need to lay of the steroids! When your 'roid rage strikes out on the field during a televised game, people are going to start suspecting things. With 10 seconds left in the half, odds are against a full-field run back, just wait for the guy to catch the ball and wrap him up, one play and go to the locker room. God damn man! You left your feet (illegal) and aimed for the head (illegal) of a defenseless player (illegal). That's how people get career-ending injuries. What was going through your head when you did this? Christ! All you are is a cheap-shotting mofo. Slowly, step out of line and walk with your head hung low back to the locker room. Actually, you might want to keep your eyes up. I think we have some Bucs fans in line, and there are a lot of shadows along this street.

Keith Bardwell - Hey racist dickhead... What is your job again? Justice of the Peace, yeah? That means, as part of your job, you have to sign marriage licenses. STOP! That's it. No justifications, no prejudices, no injecting your own thoughts or concerns into the deal. Just about the only things you could REASONABLY not sign the license is if one of the parties is intoxicated or maybe bound and gagged with duct tape (but even then, you might have to in case they are into BDSM... ask if the bound party wants to use the safety word). It doesn't matter if you think their children are going to have a hard time in society. What if a white couple's baby is born with a sever birth defect. That child will have a hard time in society... so you shouldn't've married them? Trying to hide behind you having black friends is no excuse either. You let them "use [your] bathroom". My, how 1960's of you! You're also quoted as saying you try to treat everyone equally... Hold on, I think I'm having an aneurysm. WTF?! Do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth and if you do, do you understand them? They certainly aren't matching up with your actions. So, typical southern bigot, step aside. I'm going to have to deny you entry, we have some concern for your safety inside.

Somali Islamists - Ok, boys, put down the whips. You are in the USofA now, and they may be considered weapons. Now what the fuck is the deal with you whipping ladies for wearing bras? Are you that sexually frustrated that you see the shape of a boob, and you (maybe) get a hard-on, so you must whip the girl, despite it being your fault you can't control your urges. Pass the buck, that's the name of the game. Women must cover themselves and be modest for no better reason than you can't be trusted to think of baseball instead of boobies. Get a life, kids. Speaking as a guy who knows how to control his urges AND likes looking at women, have you SEEN the Victoria's Secret catalog? Come on, it's a work of art! Bras are fantastic. Granted, the Miracle Bra is a bit of false advertising, but still. There's lacy ones, sheer ones, seamless ones, strapless ones, transformer ones, ones with holes strategically designed in them... Sorry, I got caught up in the moment. Seriously, you guys need to go home and think long and hard about if you are whipping the right person. Next time you feel an "urge" go out back and flog yourself, ya weak shits! Go home. **whispering** bras, panties, things, garters, oh my. We'll see if that gets 'em!.

Missionaries - Now, from that link, rejecting all missionaries is a it of a stretch, but here's how I rationalize it. It's my club, and you are assholes! There. No, but seriously, I've always hated the idea of missioning (?). I know of some people, under the false pretense of another occupation, are "spreading the word of god" in countries where missionaries are illegal. I wouldn't mind if they got caught. See, you certainly do good things, help build roads, houses, schools, and educate, but you also build them churches. As soon as the steeple goes up, the altruism vaporizes. You aren't doing this for them, you are doing this for your church, to keep up the people count. If you just did you good deeds and went, we'd be SOOO cool. You can tell them about your religion (if you must), but then you should also tell them about your premature ejaculation problem or how you felt awkward climbing the rope in gym class. They all of the same level of importance to this person you are trying to "help", so if you don't mind telling them about your problems... ok, go ahead and talk, but don't preach, don't proselytize, just be nice, do, an leave. As usual when it comes to religion and missionaries, I've become a bit long-winded. Rounding back to the point I've been meaning to make, there are Christian churches in Africa that were missioned and left. That's it. Apparently, there's been no upkeep, no reinforcement, so they are intermingling the Christianity your predecessors brought them with their previous beliefs. Now, this might sounds familiar. This is what Christianity did, as well. More than likely Jesus wasn't born on 25-December or it would be a strange coincidence considering far older religions and beliefs held this day to be special. Christianity squashed the other religions and picked out the good things they had and made them it's own... like these African churches. Having left them to their own devices, now they are killing children they deem "witches" during exorcisms, all for a high cost (even if they fail). So, I shall step down off my milk crate, and say, missionaries, your predecessors' work has killed children in Africa this day, and your work may do the same in the future. I'm just sick of it. Try being TRULY altruistic, and maybe we'll talk. Be done with you.

Health Insurance Companies - You have lived of the fat of the land for so long, your brain is clogged with the stuff. How can rape POSSIBLY be a pre-existing condition?! It's RAPE for fuck sake! Is being shot a pre-existing condition ("Apparently this man likes to hang around the wrong end of guns")? Is being burnt in a house fire a pre-existing condition ("If he was faster, he would've been OK")? Being raped is traumatic enough, then having the fear of AIDS or some other STD or getting pregnant. Now it's come to light that you pile on another fear... you won't pay for their care or, even worse, you might not insure them at all in the future. EVEN if they are HIV-, just the fact that they've taken anti-HIV drugs? Holy clusterfuck of stupidity, Batman! Do your jobs, just do your FUCKING jobs! You job is to insure people. Some are going to be more expensive, others will hardly use it at all. THAT is your job. Your job IS NOT to get rich by denying claims, denying coverage, and upping premiums so you can go to the fucking casino in a private jet and piss it all away! FUCK! Get your priorities straight! Get your HEAD straight! Get outta my face, or I might have to straighten your head for you.

Glenn Beck - Welcome back to the rejection line! Someday we might pity you enough to let you maybe have a LOOK inside, but you gotta get off the drugs or ON your meds. How is the President encouraging volunteering a bad thing? Is it because no one is going to make money on it? Oh no, capitalism NOT being injected into every facet of America, OH NO! It doesn't hurt to volunteer. Our society, as a whole, has been somehow converted to a "nothing comes free" attitude. Chores that kids once were "required" to do in order to go play are now recompensed with an allowance. You say Americans are the most generous people in the world. You also think we have the best health care in the world, which is emphatically wrong and can be backed up with data. American pride shouldn't obscure the truth. THAT is a communist outlook, THAT is more like Mao's China and 1984. I'd like to think Americans are generous, but I'm not even sure how to quantify that. I guess we could count the increase in the homeless population every year, or how many people are kicked out of their houses, or how many people suffer because of poor or no health care coverage. Yeah, by that note, I don't think we are very generous, but maybe you are thinking about the money you put in the offering tray on Sunday. When was the last time you did something "generous"? And it has to be the dictionary definition, not some over-inflated sense of self-importance definition of generous like you DIDN'T run over the guy who was in the crosswalk. From your segment (and I'm guessing it was a slow news day as this really isn't worthy of the airtime), I'm guessing you are just a lazy fuck and don't want people picking on your like they did in grade school when they point out that you can't be bothered to help your fellow man without compensation. You, sir, have proven yet again, that you are the king of asshats by trying to put a bad spin on a good initiative. Go... just go!

John Kanzius (GG) - John, your story is amazing. Given your background and the desire to fight to live, you created a machine to help you fight terminal leukemia. The theories were sound, and your work is going to be carried on. The future looks promising particularly using the gold nano-particles which maybe you should've tried. It's too bad that it wasn't perfected in time, but it's possible you could be seen as a hero and pioneer in cancer treatments in the future. Welcome in, and we just want to say thanks for the hope.

Nathaniel Kassel - Dude, you are funny. I never would've thought to high-five people trying to wave down taxis. It's unique, funny, and in most cases, it brought a smile to the faces of the people who were "fived". There was the case of the one guy who tried to chase you (come on, bike versus running in a business suit and loafers?), but on the whole, it looked like people enjoyed the experience once they'd realized what happened. Thanks for spreading some cheer in an original way. Come on in, and so that same (but maybe without the bike).

Gay Wilkinson - Nothing says fun like heavy metal and explosives. I don't know where you got the idea, but I can tell there has been some fine tuning (like the steno pad glued to the anvil as a gasket... were there side blowouts?). Still, it looks like a fun thing to see in person. We'd like you to come in and tell us how you came up with the idea, and hopefully a funny stories about the testing. MAYBE we can set up a test area out back, but that might have to wait for next week.

Friday, October 16, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 16-October-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

GOP - Where in the fuck is your collective head at? Are you guys standing together SO STAUNCHLY against Obama's health care bill, that whatever comes up in front of you, you vote against without listening? Al Franken proposed an amendment that the US government should deny defense contracts to contractors who have employees sign away their right to sue the company. Seems like a fairly logical thing. Contractors that WOULD do that sound highly suspicious already but considering the case where an RBK employee was gang-raped by her colleagues, and she couldn't sue the company? Holy shit, this should be unanimous. Walk in, drop your vote, and go to lunch. It's RAPE, pricks! You shouldn't even be asked to sign away human rights in a contract. If your company can't protect you from being raped, that company owes you a lot more than money. It's absolute bullshit that some GOPs actually voted against this because some feel it's not their job to interject into the contracts of our contractors, but as Jon Stewart said, but wait... that IS your job. You SHOULD be responsible for hiring upstanding and safe contractors who DON'T hide behind contracts when human liberties are violated. How can you seriously rationalize this in your head? And if you can, I hope all your daughters work for companies that sign their rights away as well. If this happens again, WHEN IT'S YOUR FAMILY... let's see how you vote then, assholes! Get the fuck out of line!

Saudi Oil Barons - You pompous pricks! Seriously! If the world decreases it's oil dependence, you are going to need foreign aid?! You can come right here and kick my ass. You are one of the richest countries in the world due to your oil reserves. You try to control the world economy by rationing how much you are going to pull out of the ground on a whim. I'm not a huge fan of the opulence of Dubai and Qatar, but at least they DID something with their money. They've tried to build and infrastructure and make themselves a center of commerce. What have you done? You've had a near-monopoly on the oil business since, what, the 70's at least, and what have you done with your money. You don't get to bend the world over a barrel, then when that barrel is pulled away, say, "I'm sorry, we're cool right? Can you help me move my sofa this weekend?". NO! IT doesn't work like that, so I suggest you step out of line, go home, and figure out what you are going to do with the money you have buried in the desert or wherever the hell you have it. Calculate the REAL money you are going to be taking in (the IEA report has no real reason to biased against you, but you DO have a reason to be biased for you, think about it), and figure out how to do something sustainable in your country. It's a huge fucking desert, invest in solar!

Greedy Energy Producers - Who was the corporate assclown who thought it would be a good idea to make up losses by charging the customer more to do good for the environment? Really, bring him up front! Hey jackhole... you're about as bad as the Saudi fuckers we just kicked out. You got in this game because it's easy money, oil and gas is flowing freely, everyone needs power, it's a Win-Win, right? But,oh shit, on the horizon you see the green movement coming, energy efficient light bulbs, people promoting renewable resources, recycling, GOOD STUFF, that might cut into your bottom line. Like the Saudis, what did you do with your money? Fuck this "We're gonna lose money with these energy efficient light bulbs since people won't use so much power, so we're going to hand out the light bulbs, make them pay a mark-up of 600%, and hope that makes up for the money we are going to lose". Sorry buddy, but there's no such thing as a free lunch! Learn it, live it! There ARE ways to make money in the new energy revolution. You ever hear the adage "You have to spend money to make money"? Well, do it! Don't try to fuck over your customer because you're a lazy shite and you might not make the numbers to get your overly inflated bonus. Fuck off home and google "green energy".

CNN - CNN people... the club has a friend known only as "TheMom". She's recent written a nice piece on the Code of Ethics that journalists should have to abide by. The way they get around it? Don't hire journalists, but I digress. During a recent interview with Arianna Huffington on The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, they cut in with "BREAKING NEWS". OK, on the edges of our seats... what could be so fantastically important or tragic that they'd cut in on a serious talk about the risk and costs ($65 billion / year) involved in the Afghanistan war? FUCKING RUSH LIMBAUGH ISN'T GOING TO BE ABLE TO BUY THE RAMS?!?!?!?!?! Who the fuck cares if this bloated, hate-filled, possibly recovering junkie gets to buy a football team. This isn't Perry White's "The Daily Planet" where we have to run out and SCOOP everything. You are a 24-hour news channel that normally has to fill it's time with shite because news doesn't necessarily happen 24 hours. This is the absolute OPPOSITE of breaking news; and Wolf, be careful using that tone. The way you said, "I want everybody to standby for just a moment"... UH-UH, not allowed, not for this topic. That is what you say when planes fly into buildings, when space shuttles explode on live TV, when a president is assassinated. You don't say that in that tone when a fuckjob Republican mouthpiece DOESN'T get his chance to buy his version of slaves. CNN, you really failed on this one, I expected more out of "America's Most Trusted News Source". Go home and get your priorities straight.

John Forehand - You make it too easy, but we should seriously fucking give you a coma-inducing Backhand. You sick son of a bitch! Why, why, why? Can't you go to the bar and take home a barfly? It's not an ideal situation for the kids, but it's better than wanting to fuck them! We can tell, despite being completely fucked in the head, that you aren't very intelligent. MOST pedophiles get caught with pictures or videos (which it looked like you were going to take when you were arrested), but you even did it online. And this... "not many other fathers and daughters are this brave, so not many of them are so lucky to experience all these pleasures"? Not only did you want to destroy any sense of innocence you're VERY OWN flesh-and- blood had, but you were glorifying it. You were prepared to ruin her for her entire life, fucking with how her brain works. You are a sick fuck, and I hope Bubba does everything to you that you wanted to do to your little girl. Here come the cops, go away before you "accidentally" fall down and hurt yourself bad!

William Kamkwamba - William, the club first heard about you when you did an interview on "The Daily Show". Your story is inspirational, and that is to say the very least. You dropped out of school because your parents couldn't afford it, you went to the library, and basically from pictures, you learned how to build a windmill to produce energy for your family in Malawi. I've personally bought your book, because I'd like to learn more about what drives a 14-year old boy with little formal education and possibly NO english (at the time) to build something to help his family... from pictures. Your story is truly remarkable, and the club wishes you all the best. Come on in, have a drink, and relax. If you get bored, we have some books you can read up on, and our ceiling fan is on the fritz... maybe you could look at it? Get inside, man, and enjoy... your story's getting me all choked up.

For those others in line, if you can't buy the book, here's a link to a short video telling his story in brief.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 9-October-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - Mahmoud, are you a Jew? I mean, really, you can tell me. See, because I'm a fairly rational person, I don't have a problem with you being a Jew... or a Buddhist, a Muslim, a Satanist, whatever you want as long as you don't hurt anyone or anything. From this article, though, it looks like you family converted is Islam from Judaism soon after your birth. You were born a Jew, and you know what that is? It's just a descriptor, just a word on a piece of paper. If we took your blood and analyzed it, nowhere would we find evidence of you being Jewish or Muslim, just that you are human, like we all are. So, don't hate just because of a title. You don't need to over-compensate. It is rumored that Hitler was 1/4 Jew, and that is what led to the Holocaust. We don't need more people like that, and if you are going to be one of them, we certainly don't need you either. Go home, and hug a Jew on the way home. It'll feel good.

Air India Flight Crew - Hey guys, what the fuck got in your head, that at 30,000 feet, you thought you could go MMA-style on each other? this IS NOT a fucking go-kart, this is a multi-million dollar piece of machinery you are handling almost 5 MILES UP!!! keep your shite to yourself until you are on the ground. You became terrorists the minute you couldn't do that, because all the people on board were being held hostage by your idiocy. Their safety was at risk. Seriously, I'm almost at a lost for words at how pissed off I am at your carelessness, so before I get myself into trouble breaking into a tirade of racial epithets and slurs, I suggest you step out of line, and take some anger management courses... and maybe some flight training again. There had to be some "In-flight Issue Resolution" classes.

GOPs - What do you guys have against health care for those that don't have it? There HAS to be someone in your family that doesn't have health care that could benefit from this, but you are all standing together, so you don't get blackballed for voting with the Democrats. It may not be perfect, but it's a step in the right direction. There is even dissent on the Democrat's side. You'd expect that, because we are human, we have differences, we are not automatons. On that same note, you'd expect dissent among the GOP as well. There should be SOMEONE with that balls to stand up against his fellow party members and say, "You know what, guys? I'm with you on most things, but this bill WILL help people. It will increase quality of life for lots of people even if it MIGHT cost a little more (which with the preventative care, it probably won't). I'm going to vote for it." Why don't we see this? Because the "Grand Ol' Party" has turned into a bunch of "Giant Obstinate Pricks" who are only looking out for themselves. You will be the ruin of this nation, only by your own PERSONAL politics, and your own racial and socio-economical stereotypes. Go lock yourself in the building of whatever branch you work in and fight it out, death-match style. Then whoever wins, well, he MIGHT make it to the hospital in time to get his wounds cared for... MAYBE!

Rush Limbaugh - OK, if YOU'D like to align yourself with the Taliban and Iran, I'm all for it. I mean, you ARE kind of an ass, but even in that statement I made a crucial mistake that most do. I'll clarify. See, the Taliban, due the the ideals that make them who they are, they are asses. All of them. Just the way it is. They were drawn to that cause by their own beliefs and STAY with that cause for that reason. Now, the common mistake is grouping entire countries under the policies of their leaders. A LOT of people hated America because of G.W.Bush's policies, but technically, they didn't hate America, they hated Bush (and maybe those people who voted for such a war-mongering idiot). The same goes for Iran. I have a few Iranian friends are very nice people. They, themselves, aren't very fond of Ahmadinejad. So, I can't lump you in with Iran; rather, I'd lump you in with Ahmadinejad himself. I certainly wouldn't want to insult my Iranian friends by putting you in the same class. So, back to the point, if you feel you want to be included with the Taliban and Ahmadinejad, so be it. I'm perfectly content with that, and on that note, I think you should step out of line. I don't want any other patrons accidentally rounded with you once you are declared and "enemy combatant". Anyways, we just sent Mahmoud away, you might be able to catch up with him if you run. Hah, well, maybe hail a taxi. Oh, and by the way, I know it's now how it's done but, hypothetically, if the Nobel was to go to Obama or G.W.Bush, here's a brief breakdown of WHY Obama would win. It kinda IS that simple.

Bill O'Reilly - I fell bad for you, sir. Your "debate" with Richard Dawkins was a bit embarrassing. Not completely, mind you, since it was a short bit on your show, but I think that is to your benefit. I think he'd've mopped the floor with you if you'd've continued much longer. At one point, you call Dawkins wanting religion to stay out of science classes, "fascism". Do you know what fascism means? I mean, I figured you were a bit smarter than the Tea Partiers who just spout the key words given to them by the propaganda-machine on the right. just to help you out, the American Heritage Dictionary defines "fascism" as: "A philosophy or system of government that is marked by stringent social and economic control, a strong, centralized government usually headed by a dictator, and often a policy of belligerent nationalism." Now, what part of that has anything at all to do with keeping religion out of science classes, the the converse, keeping science out of the church? Absolutely nothing! This is why I fear Dawkins would've whooped you had the debate continued. You need to know the words you are using, and in the case of science, you have to know when you DON'T have the answer, be comfortable with saying that, but keep striving to find it. So, Bill, because I feel for ya, here's $5, there's a bookstore around the corner. Why don't you buy a pocket dictionary and then use the change to buy a clue?

Rukhsana Kauser - Wow, Rukhsana! You are an amazing young woman! Definitely a role model for young girls to look up to that you don't have to take the shit that comes to you by asshole terrorist rapist fuckers. Granted, what you and your brother did was bat-shit crazy, but it turned out the best for you. Wh would've thought an 18-year old girl would take down a notorious terrorist who'd been fucking with the Indian countryside for the past 5 years. I can't tell the story as well as someone else has, so I'll let the readers just check out the link. I know you are under witness protection, and luckily we are a witness protection friendly club, so welcome in, and consider yourself off the grid for a while. Sit down, relax and enjoy a nice lassi.

Kate Beckinsale - We are So pleased to have you here, Kate. After Esquire recently bestowed upon you the title of "Sexiest Woman Alive", we wanted to honor your ourselves. Plus, a friend of the club, JHo, has complained about the lack of hot chicks we have here. You are DEFINITELY upping our cred. Still, not to be completely superficial, you are a great actress. Besides club favorites like "Underworld", you've recent come out with "White Out", not to mention some of your others like, "Click", "Pearl Harbor", and "Brokedown Palace". You are a classy, intelligent, and beautiful person (and the accent is pretty hot too). Thanks for all your work (especially the "Death Dealer" stuff). Come on in and make a few people smile.

Lara Logan - Sometimes, life isn't fair. I mean, you have looks AND brains and as Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent for CBS News, you travel to some of the most dangerous places in the world to document the goings-on there. Insane. Granted, you are probably most famous for the tabloid reports about some relationship things that were somehow more important than the actual Iraq news, but we won't go into that here. We are just glad you would lake to grace our club with your presence. Again, I hope that JHo would be pleased. Lara, please do come in and have a drink on the house. Everything's off the record here.

Brad Sciullo - Seriously, dude. you are one crazy motherfucker! The club heard about you from The Colbert Report's two-part piece on you entitledEating the Distance - The Brad Sciullo Story. For all our readers, it is best to just watch the clip, but in brief, Brad here attempts to eat a 15-POUND, 30,000 calorie burger called "The Belly Buster". We're not huge fans of competitive eating around here, especially if you are fairly skinny because that means either 1) you have bulimic tendencies or 2) you are unfairly blessed with an insane metabolism. Still, we figured if you're attempt didn't kill you as the doctor's warned you it might, and you were able to push back from that table alive, we'd let you in the club. Keep in mind, you pay for everything here, no freebies (maybe one drink, but just because you heard us give one to Kate). Welcome in, and don't make a mess.

Friday, October 9, 2009


The club had to undergo some renovations this week, so the guest list will have to be postponed until tomorrow. We apologize for any inconvenience and hope to see you tomorrow. Thanks.


Friday, October 2, 2009

The Guest List for the Weekend of 2-October-2009

(DISCLAIMER: all names are clickable for relevant stories used to determine whether said guest should be "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED")

Ann Coulter - Ann... welcome back to not being welcome back. I'm surprised you waited this long before popping up in public for no real good reason than that you were missing the limelight. Your spot on the Joy Behar show was pretty good in that, as usual, you defended yourself and you co-Republican mouthpieces with nothing more than "I'm right, you're wrong, I have no evidence, buh bye". I wonder at times if you possibly have multiple personality disorder. Assuming that you are an intelligent person, that's the only way I can see that you can "believe" some of the things you are saying, for example, that Sarah Palin is "coherent". I'm guessing when you say that, you are in your 5-year old persona who doesn't really know what coherent means, or your mentally disturbed persona who just holds all your crazy, and then you come back to normal afterward with no recollection of spewing said crazy on TV. Still, this theory of mine is based on a weak assumption, that you are intelligent. If that's disproven, well, I guess it your crazy person speaks for itself. Without making any sudden or threatening movements, would you please step out of line, go home, and coddle some Ben and Jerry's.

Sean Hannity - Seanny boy! Where do you come up with this stuff? Please, please, PLEASE look at the video I linked your name to. A local news station debunked your play to look like the "All-American Hero of the Common Man". Framing your piece in a HARVESTED tomato field which you incorrectly led your viewers to be the state of and unharvested field with no water, doesn't make your point, it makes you look like an ass. You believe what you want to believe, never mind the evidence (there's that word again), and you propagandize your viewers with the same. When someone with an alternate explanation tried to speak (via satellite), the crowd you incited with false information, boo'd him rather than take the time to hear both sides and make and informed decision. I mean, I understand, that hearing BOTH sides might fill your brain up and possibly give you a headache, but it's something that progressive people do. Give it a try. And by the way, next time try a T-shirt if you want to fit in with the locals... a polo just makes you look like a douche in this situation. Why don't you take some of this constructive criticism home with you to think on for a bit?

Michael Steele - The Republican party's "Obama"... How are you doing? Not very well I'm guessing. Now this might sound a bit ironic, but take your time to analyze it, and you'll see why it's not. Don't you have better things to do than criticize the POTUS for lobbying for the 2016 Olympics? The irony you might find here (which isn't at all) is that you think HE has better things to do than lobby for the Games. Here's where you are going to have to think. Take a breath. This is called "planning for the future". Granted, I'm sure the POTUS has some city and state pride in Chicago, Illinois being on the short list, but do you know what comes with the Olympics? A SHITLOAD of money. Money in the form of jobs to build the facilities, road reconstruction and upgrades, logistics, tourism opportunities, and public transport upgrades. Knowing that we are in the shit now, doesn't preclude you from try to preparing to stay out of the shit in the future. This is one of the many shortcomings of George W. He only thought in the now, make money NOW (never mind the fallout later), invade Iraq NOW (never mind the fallout with peaceful Muslims around the world and INCREASING a global anti-American mindset). Obama is setting up a sort of near-future retirement. Set aside some time and money now to make bigger returns later. So, Mr. Steele, please try to get out of GW's mindset of here-and-now politics and think about the bigger picture; that is,the FUTURE of our nation and it's people. And with that, I ask you to step aside so our other patrons may pass. Go do something better with your time.

Brooke Hogan - Brooke, your music suck. I mean, someone has to tell you, and I'm sorry it had to be YOUR PRODUCER, but just to make sure it gets in that plasticine head of yours, I'll concur... your music sucks. If you want to be famous, and your daddy is a professional wrestler, you might want to follow in his footsteps. Theoretically, odds are you are going to be built more like a linebacker than a ballerina. In this case, theory confirmed. I'm not saying you are.. ugly, it's just you aren't really built for the bubblegum pop music culture. That could start me on a completely different tangent about how it shouldn't matter what you look like if you make good music, but... you don't do that either. You should take up MMA or hell, I'm sure the WWE would take you in a heartbeat, you have the build and the name. Take your natural talents and make the best of them, rather than trying to convince people you can sing. It's just cruel and unusual. Now, if you don't mind, I suggest you go home, get online, and delete EVERY one of your songs that you can find on the interwebs. That should keep you busy, then give Vince McMahon a call.

Trent Franks - Here we are again with ANOTHER nobody-knew-you-before-you-said-something-stupid politician. Mr. Franks, do they teach "riot inciting" when you join politics? Maybe "Fact Ignoring 101", or "Distill a Complex Point Down to an Fallacious Black and White Situation 205"? Obama is sending money overseas to kill babies? Really? I mean, is he paying for drowning centers? Is he funding baby skeet shoots, or maybe toddler skydiving lessons? Calling the POTUS an "enemy of humanity" is a tall order to prove... which you didn't... because you can't. Still, it was cute when, after you got your name on YouTube how you backtracked like a MUTHAFUCKA! So you meant he's only an enemy to humanity ONLY in relation to his abortion policies, and you meant "unborn humanity" rather than "humanity", and you meant Obama's ABORTION POLICIES have no place in government (which they kinda do as POTUS), rather than OBAMA has no place in government. Ooookay? How about this, and I'm just thinking out loud here... quit taking up valuable space in line, go back to you office and write the speech you MEANT to write, then PROOFREAD that speech. Read it aloud, read it to friends, colleagues, etc., then edit it according to the criticisms you get, repeat several times, and then try giving your speech again. And we better not have any dangling participles, douchewad!

Carl Sagan - Carl, man, it's really too bad you're dead, but we're happy to admit another Ghostguest. You lived your life with a childlike awe of the universe and our small place in it. You took complex cosmological phenomena and with the words of a poet, shared them with the common man in a way that he could understand. You even did your best to bring turtlenecks to the forefront of modern fashion. You posited that when looking for extraterrestrial life, to look for atmospheres that might be out-of-whack a bit, as life has a significant impact on it's surroundings. It seems you took extreme joy in your job, and we are all the better for it. Plus, despite the clubs distaste for Auto-Tuning, you were just meant for it. Thanks for everything, and welcome to the club.

Stephen Hawking - Prof. Hawking, it is an honor to have you stop by the club. We were surprised to see you here, but after reading that you were stepping down from "Newton's Chair" we realize that you have some more free time on your hands, and you might want to relax a bit. There is no rationalization for the disease that's robbed you of your mobility, but we like to think that you were just so smart that it had to come at a cost. There's no such thing as a free lunch, as they say. Still, you didn't let that hold you back, and I suppose it may have even fueled you further. Your grasp of how the universe works is tremendous. You, like Carl Sagan who's inside (we'll explain how that works later), could take a concept that fellow theoretical physicists had a hard time grasping, and you could describe it with a simple metaphor or explain it as a small demonstration, so we simple folk could get a hint at the brilliance of the concept you were talking about. Your theories on the universe, black holes, and humanity's need to chase the stars are an inspiration. We're sad to see that you have to step down. We don't know when there will be another like you. Come on in, and make yourself comfortable.